Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“Oh and Liv.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.” Then summoning all of the strength I have, I hang up before she has chance to reply. I let out a long breath and stand up straight. I turn towards the door again and lightly touch the wood.

“Hang in there man,” Max says as he squeezes my shoulder. I pat his hand, grateful for his support.

“Come on,” I say, trying to snap myself out of my funk. “Let’s get this delivery in before it gets busy again.”

I work the bar like a man possessed. I can see why Liv loves it. I can see myself here, working side by side with her. I’ve got quite good at it too, these past ten days. When I first arrived I just wanted to help in any way I could. I was picking up glasses and all that stuff. But I’ve got really into it. I’ve done it before and it’s not that different. I’m not mixing cocktails yet, but I can make myself useful and at the very least take some of the slack off the other guys. This place really misses Liv. She’s the life and soul of it and you can tell the difference when she’s not here. I have my own work to do as well, but after she left me I did nothing else for days, so I’m really ahead. Then whenever Liv comes down I have to disappear, so I go home, to Max’s where I’m staying for now and do as much as I can.

I’m really surprised that I’ve not been sprung by anyone. All of the staff know the situation, they’re cool. But I’m surprised no friends have called her and accidentally mentioned my presence. Max is running interference and it helps that Liv has been incommunicado. The past couple of days, she has been away, so I’ve been able to move freely around without fear of being discovered. Max and I finished the garden and it’s full of happy customers right now. I feel awful that Liv had her accident doing something that I should have done for her. But knowing Liv, even I would not have been able to stop her and her control freakiness from taking stupid risks.

I’ve tried twice to find the time to call her tonight, but I can’t get far enough away from the crowd noise. Eventually, I tell Max I’m taking off for ten minutes and I walk around the block. I find a quiet street and sit on a low wall and dial her number. I’m ready for it to go to the machine, so I’m floored when she answers.

“Hello?’

“Hey.” I begin nervously, knocked off my feet by this unexpected turn of events. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she says. “You?” It’s not exactly what you would call concern, but the fact that she asked has blown me away.

I think for a moment about how to answer this. I don’t want to make this about me, but if I don’t show that I’m suffering, she will think I don’t care. ‘I’m lost without you.” I hope that was the right way to go. “I’m surprised you’re there.” I admit.

“So am I.” She sighs. “I had a break.” She lies again. “You just caught me.”

“Oh, okay, good timing then.” I humor her.

“I suppose.”

I have to think on my feet, I’m so used to having this conversation one sided that I can’t think of anything to actually say to her. The silence stretches out before me.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.

“You called me,” she points out.

“I know, but I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

She sighs. “Danny, this is pointless, you have to stop calling me.”

“I can’t,” I whisper.

“It’s over,” she says with no conviction at all.

“But, I love you,” I tell her, “And you love me. So how can it be over?” I feel stronger now, she’s coming around.

She doesn’t reply.

“I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise our future.”

“I saw her, Danny.”

“Nothing happened,” I say calmly.

She lets out a long breath. “It doesn’t matter. It’s too late.”

“Liv, it’s…”

“Don't, please. We never should have started this. It was always going to end this way. Go back to your life Danny and I’ll go back to mine.”

“It doesn’t have to end at all,” I say softly. “I know you love me. Tell me you don’t.”

“It’s too hard, you’re too far away.” Her voice is choked with emotion. Then, after a short pause, the line goes dead.

My heart is pounding and I have to fight the emotion. I stand in the street, not knowing what to do. Think…THINK! She didn’t say she doesn’t love me and I’m not too far away…I’m right here...I start running.

Rounding the corner, I run all the way back. I yank open the door to the diner, ignoring the surprised look on Ali’s face and run to Liv’s door. I hammer the code into the keypad and take the stairs two at a time, freezing in front of the door, I knock gently.

“It’s open,” she says, her voice strained with tears.

Holding my breath, I turn the handle and push open the door.

Liv looks up from the sofa, tears running down her face and gasps. For a moment I just stand in the doorway. She is a beautiful mess. Her leg is resting on a stool, and she has been crying a lot, I can tell because her face is all blotchy. She isn’t dressed to go out and she self-consciously pulls her cosy sweater tightly around her. I swallow hard. Look at what I’ve done to her. I don’t care how she looks, she is always beautiful, but she is normally so strong and in control. I hate seeing her this way.

I'm still breathing hard from running, so I try to steady myself.

“Can I come in?” I manage, my own emotion affecting the reliability of my voice.

She is still speechless, so I step inside and shut the door.

“What are you doing here?’ she asks breathlessly.

I shrug. Where do I start? “You said I was too far away. I wanted to show you I’m not.” I wipe away a rogue tear.

"But...how?" she murmurs. Then she looks even more mystified. "Why are you wearing that?" she asks.

I glance down at my staff shirt and look back at her sheepishly.

"Okay, I need to know what's going on." She shifts in her seat. “Now!”

I nod, moving towards the armchair opposite her. I slowly sit as she stares. I clear my throat. "What do you want to know?"

She scoffs, "Err, what the fuck has been happening behind my back, for a start," she replies.

I have to stifle a slight laugh, this is not the time to piss her off, but I suddenly find the whole thing quite amusing. She has all of these preconceived ideas and I’m going to blow them all out of the water. She thinks I cheated, I can convince her otherwise. She thinks I stayed away, I can prove I didn’t. She thinks I don't care enough, I'll show her she is wrong. I’ve waited for the right moment, this is my time. She looks mad, I smile.

"You think this is funny?"

"No." I pull myself together and try to look serious.

"So come on..." she urges.

“Okay,” I say, stalling while my mind races back through the past two weeks, searching for a point in the story I can pick up that will make sense to her. I shift nervously. “I called Max.” I begin, knowing that this in itself will lead to more questions than answers. I should have called her, but I was too stubborn. “We were talking when you fell.” Liv stares, she still can’t process the fact that I’m here. “Max yelled your name and then the line went dead. I knew something awful had happened to you, I tried calling him back, but he didn’t answer.” I look at her, the thought of something worse happening to her still fills me with that same fear. I want to reach across and touch her face, but I know she doesn’t want me to.

“I was with Jen at her store, she told me to just go to you. She booked my flight and I went home, packed my stuff and left for the airport. I was so worried. Jen kept calling Max, but his cell went off. I had no idea what was going on, I’ve never been so scared in my whole life.” I fight back tears and take a deep breath. “While I was waiting at the gate, he called me. He said you were okay, he told me what happened. I was a total mess. I told him I was getting on a flight.” I pause. She still hasn’t tried to speak. I keep going, before she does. “He thought I should wait, but I was already checked in. I told him I was coming no matter what he said.