Kerry Heavens - Still Human

Max and Charlie have been so great. They’ve really welcomed me and that has made things easier. They’ve put me up and made sure I feel at home. I have a nice room, which is more like a hotel suite and you can tell that they love having guests to take care of. I think Max is a great friend to Liv, but he’s become my friend too. It’s meant the world to have him behind me through this ordeal. As my thoughts spin in their irritating circles, I finally drift into a distressingly anxious sleep.

Stirring awake, I suddenly sit up. I glance around the room, although for what I don’t know. I feel like the whole atmosphere in here has changed, like while I was sleeping, someone came in and shook everything up. I jump up, in search of the source. What has changed? Charlie is working at his desk when I walk past his office.

“You’re back?” I look at my watch. It’s almost 16:00, of course he is back. “How is she?” I ask hesitantly, fearing his answer.

“She’s okay,” he replies just as hesitantly.

“What? What’s happened? What did she say?” I feel the panic rising.

“We just talked it through,” he says simply. “Don’t panic.” He smiles slightly. “Talk to her.”

“I wish it were that simple,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. “Where’s Max?”

“He went back in early. Do you want something to eat before you go?” I give him a tight smile, I really appreciate his hospitality.

“I’ll grab something there.” I shake my head. “Thanks though.” I wander into the living room. The air is different in here to. More positive I think. Maybe it’s just having a sleep, but even as I think it I know that’s not true. I’ve had dreadful, restless sleep with hopeless dreams since she left. I dream that she is just out of reach, different scenarios all with the same result play out every time I manage to close my eyes, so I know I can’t thank any amount of sleep for making things feel lighter this afternoon. I shrug it off and pour myself a glass of water in the super-modern kitchen. I keep forgetting the ice-cold filtered water dispenser in the refrigerator door. I just go to the sink like a normal person.

I saunter back into my room to change my clothes for work tonight. I don’t bother showering, I will need one later anyway, Saturday nights in the bar leave a stain or two. I slide my Lady Luck’s shirt on and look at myself in the mirror as I pull it straight. It makes me feel close to her to wear this, I know that’s ridiculous, but when I think about being part of something she created I feel proud, whether she wants me to or not. Also, the fact that I’m proving that I don’t ever want to be anywhere but here with her, gives me a slight sense of satisfaction.

I pick up my keys and cell and say bye to Charlie on my way out, still feeling off balance because something I can’t put my finger on feels different and Charlie seems cagey. Turning left onto the sidewalk, I begin the ten-minute walk I do every day, to the place where I belong. I feel more nervous today though, because Liv knows I’m here. My guess is, she will stay out of the way and I will just have to wait, like before. I consider texting her, but I promised her I'd lay off and I remember the advice of both Max and Jen. Wait, they both told me. Let her come to you.

I push open the door to the bar and breeze through to the back, completely at home now. I pass the bar and call out “Hey” to the guys. Toby stands closest to me and gives me a nervous look as I pass. Just as I’m wondering why, something catches my eye in the corner opposite the bar. I turn and see Liv sitting on the sofa, her leg propped up, watching me intently. I stop in my tracks and stare at her. She doesn’t look the same as she did last night. She looks stronger. Her arms are folded across her chest, not in an angry, bossy way, but more for comfort. A half-empty glass of something sits on the table beside her cell and she just stares.

I don’t know what to do for the best, my easy feeling has evaporated and rather than being completely at home, I feel like an unwelcome intruder. Having said that, she knows I’m here. Max must have told her when I was due in, so perhaps she wants to see me. I curl one side of my mouth in a shy smile. Her lips press together, an acknowledgement of my expression, but obviously she isn’t in a smiley place just yet. Should I go over? I can hardly not.

I cautiously walk towards her and when I reach her she nods to the other sofa. I sit on the edge of the seat and eye her speculatively.

“I thought you weren’t going to show,” she says tentatively.

I frown. “You need me here, as if I wouldn’t show up.” I say defensively. “I won’t let you down again, Liv. I’m here to show you that.”

She looks confused. “Didn’t you get my message?”

“Message?” I ask, reaching into my pants pocket for my cell. I flip it over and unlock the screen. There’s a text from Liv. Fuck. I open it. Fuck, fuck! I call and I beg and I wait, then when she finally does contact me, I’m fucking sleeping. Shit!

‘Can we talk? I’ll be in the bar if you have time. Liv’

“Shit. Sorry, I was sleeping.”

“I know, I saw,” she says, cool and calm.

“Saw?”

She nods. “I came back with Max, but you were asleep.”

“You wanted to see me?”

She nods again. We have totally lost our flow when it comes to conversation.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

She thinks for a moment and shrugs. “I didn’t feel like it was my place.” Her expression is sad.

“What? Of course it’s your place,” I bark, then I realise that sounded a little more aggressive than I intended. “Christ Liv, why would you think that?” I put my face in my hands then look back up at her. I shouldn’t be taking this out on her, I’m just disappointed at the opportunity I missed while I was asleep. “So you came over to talk to me and saw I was asleep and just left?”

“I sat for a while,” she says with an unaffected tone.

“You sat?” Jesus, this just goes from bad to worse!

“Well I’m a little unsteady on my feet at the moment.” She scoffs. “I had to sit.”

“Where?’ I ask. Mystified at how this could have happened, I’ve hardly slept for weeks and she sits beside me the one time I manage some deep, unbroken sleep. The world is a cruel, cruel place.

“On your chair.”

I sigh. “I don’t believe it,” I say shaking my head. “Wake me next time for heaven’s sake.”

“You looked like you needed the rest,” she says with something bordering on fondness. Her guard is still very much up though.

“I haven’t been sleeping that well and I’m keeping terrible hours. Still, I’m surprised I didn’t hear you.”

“I was quiet…It was refreshing to see you and not hear you. It gave me time to think.” Ouch! I guess I’ve been hounding her.

“How long did you sit?” I ask, resigned now that I screwed up an opportunity.

“Half an hour, or so,” she says, as if it’s nothing. I was with her for half an hour, her choice and I wasn’t awake. That sucks! I’m suddenly buoyed by this revelation though.

A) She came to see me.

B) She watched me sleep for half an hour.

And…

C) She text me asking to meet.

I may be disappointed that I missed her being in my room, but these are all good things that have happened.

“You watched me sleep?”

She reluctantly nods…YES!! This is perfect, you don’t watch someone you hate, sleep!

I steel myself, I must not appear smug now, I’ll blow all my chances, but I feel great. No wonder the air had changed when I woke up. Liv was there, watching me sleep. Blowing out a long sigh and trying to save face, I focus on the injustice.