Kerry Heavens - Still Human

1 Facebook Notification From Danny Morgan.

Hi,

How are you? I’m trying Facebook, in the hope that you might be online too. It might be easier to talk, if we don’t actually talk, what do you think? I know this is really hard and I wish I was with you.

Since I figured out why you left I’ve had to fight myself at every turn, my gut instinct was to come straight to you. But I was persuaded to make contact first. I know that having me around isn't currently what you want, but you know it's what I want and I feel so helpless away from you. It's hard to make you see that I’m telling the truth, when we're not face to face.

I wish you would give me a chance. There is so much to discuss.

We should be together, we should have always been together. I never should have left you twelve years ago.

I wanted to stay with you, but you pushed me to go. You said it was best for both of us, but I didn't think it was best for me. The day you told me I should go, I was going to ask you if we could find a way that I could stay. I thought we could get a flat or something. I was going to tell my parents I wasn't leaving you and that they would just need to accept it. But you wouldn't let me speak, you had all these reasons why me leaving was going to do us good in the end. I thought you wanted a fresh start and that it meant that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. I hurt so badly after that, that I just went quietly.

Maybe you thought it was what I wanted, because I said nothing to make you think otherwise. In the end, I didn’t have the confidence to fight for what I wanted and neither did you. But now that I’ve had you in my life again, I will never stop fighting. We are meant to be together and I know this is hurting you, but it's just a glitch.

I know you trust me, you think you don't, but that's just a reaction. You know it too, it's not me you don't trust, it's yourself. Please let me back in. We have wasted too much of our lives apart.

I love you.

Talk to you soon x

This message leaves me with a flood of emotions, but I quickly push most of them down and settle on boiling mad. How dare he? Who does he think he is? Telling me I trust him, but not myself. Quite the opposite. I will never trust him again, or possibly anyone else. Oh and this is just a glitch is it? I would hate to think what would have to happen for him to think things had really gone wrong. Deep down, I know I’m only focusing on the easy-to-target bits of his argument, but it’s better this way. I can’t over analyse the fact that he’s directly addressed all of my insecurities about why he didn’t try harder to be with me before.

Fucking Max! Obviously he’s been running his mouth off and now Danny is playing on all my weaknesses. Well I may be vulnerable at the moment, but only emotionally as far as he knows. He doesn’t know that I’m incapacitated, Max has promised me faithfully he won’t tell him. If he did, I wouldn’t stand a chance. But I’m not going to let him take advantage of me in any way. He has blown it and he can’t use insider knowledge to get round me, I’m not buying it. Holding onto my rage, I wait for the laptop to start and when it does, I launch straight in to my rant.

‘Let’s get a few things straight shall we?

Firstly, it’s all very well telling me what you think I want to hear about the past, but it’s just that, the past. In my opinion, you did give up too easily. I looked into going to college in LA so that I could be with you, I would have followed you to the end of the earth, but when you put up no fight whatsoever, I knew that you didn’t want that and I let it go. You say that I pushed you away, but I was just supporting you in what you seemed to want to do. I was prepared to do something totally life changing for you, something real. So you can’t just paint a picture of how neither one of us was prepared to fight for what we wanted, I applied to UCLA Arts for fuck’s sake. Behind my parent’s back. I got an interview. What did you do? NOTHING!

Then you come waltzing back into my life, being all wonderful. But it wasn’t planned though was it? You wouldn’t have thought of it yourself, would you? No. Connie asked you to do it. Yeah, Danny, I know about that. I feel so fucking special now, let me tell you. The fact is, you never would have thought of me again if you hadn’t had the idea handed to you and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. But I see through you now.

You claim that what we had meant too much to you to risk on a final fling. Well that’s bollocks. Whatever you say happened that night, I know one thing for sure, you bought jewellery for that woman, so don’t pretend nothing was going on.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Telling me who I trust. I don’t trust you, or anything you say.

Please leave me alone.’

I’m shaking with anger by the time I finish writing and I hit send before I decide to edit it. I feel sick. I take a few deep breaths, I can’t throw up, I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. I just have to hold it together. I rub my forehead and cover my eyes with my trembling hand. My mobile signals a text, but I can’t look. I just sit and survive for a minute. Then the text signal sounds again, a reminder this time.

“Okay!” I bark at my innocent phone. Then I’m relieved to see it’s just Max.

‘Sorry, really busy down here, be up soon x’

Shit, I have to be by myself for a while longer. This is torture. I want to be behind my bar, where I belong. Busy, occupied, surrounded by noise and friends and, most importantly, feeling powerful. Not prisoner to my flat, stuck with nothing but a stalking ex for company. The laptop signals another Facebook message. Of course…I read it.

‘I’ll leave you alone if that’s really what you want, but there are a couple of things you have to know.

Connie may have put the suggestion out there that day, but I’m so glad she did. I wouldn’t have contacted you, but not because I didn’t want to, because I thought I was respecting your wishes. She made me think that maybe you would want to hear from me and that was all I needed.

As for what I was or wasn’t prepared to do to fight for us in the past…you’ll never know the lengths I went to.’

For fuck’s sake, what does that mean? I feel panicked, like I’ve hurt him, or pushed him too far. Why should I care? I squash my concerns into the background and focus on the anger.

If you did something, went to some significant ‘lengths’ that would change my opinion of you, now is the time to speak up, sunshine. Otherwise, it’s just words. I start to write this as my reply, when Max appears at the door. Quickly, I delete it. What is the point? If I respond, it leaves the conversation open. He said he will leave me alone, maybe I should just let it go.

“You alright?” asks Max. It’s as if he knows words have been exchanged.

“Not really.” I sigh.

“What’s happened now?”

“Oh, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

“No, come on, it’s what I’m here for,” he says sweetly.

"I just had a bit of a run-in with Danny on Facebook. Apparently, I trust him, it's myself I don't trust. Can you believe the nerve?" Max swallows hard and looks terrified. After an awkward silence, I know he agrees with him. This is going to end in an argument.

"Don't hate me," he says cautiously, "but maybe he’s right."

I stay calm. Max just stares. He's brave, I'll give him that, I'm not in the most reasonable frame of mind at the moment. I watch him for a while, shakily holding his ground and it occurs to me that although he’s not taking sides as such, he has all the information. He’s heard both sides in full and, try as he might to be completely behind me, he can't help but sympathise with Danny.