E. Blair - Falling

Knowing that Jase is going home with Mark to Ohio for the holiday, I offer, “Well, I’ll be around.”

When I see a hint of a smile, I feel like maybe I’ve finally made a nick in her exterior.

When I pull into my mom’s driveway, I see my family’s cars littering the street. I’m the last one to get here, and when I walk in, the noise confirms it. I make my way through the foyer to the back of the house, and the scene looks the same as always. The guys are drinking beer and watching football while the kids run around and play. The girls are all in the kitchen with the babies, laughing and gossiping.

“Sweetheart!” my mom squeals when she notices me walking into the kitchen. She gives me a big hug, and I wrap my arms around her. I feel like a lot has changed since I last saw her, so I take the embrace I feel like I’ve been missing for these past few months.

We exchange our ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I’ve missed you’s’ before I say hi to everyone else. The kids are running wild, excited to see me, as I hand Tori the keys to my jeep so she can go bring in the bags of gifts that I always have every time I see the kids. I love spoiling them, but it’s also my method of distracting them, and giving them new shit to play with keeps them occupied and out of their parents’ hair for a while.

When Tori walks back in, arms full of gifts, she mouths ‘thank you,’ desperate for the reprieve. I laugh and follow her into the living room where all the kids are. I sit on the floor with them as they rip through the paper, finding puzzles, toy cars, dolls, and a small bubble machine that is sure to keep these kids entertained by the hour.

“And where did you plan on the kids playing with that?” my mother gently nags, in only the way a mom can do.

“In the playroom upstairs.”

“Can I send you the bill for the carpet cleaning?”

Rolling my eyes at her, I say, “It’s bubble solution, Mom, not a turd.”

“What’s a turd, Uncle Ryan?” Madison, my three-year-old niece, asks.

Smiling at her, I say, “It’s poo poo.”

“Ewwww!” she squeals through her fit of laughter, and her mom, Katie, scolds me with a simple, “Ryan!”

I love getting a rise out of my cousins when it comes to their kids. I swear they can take the most harmless thing and make a big issue about it.

“Katie, they know what poop is. Relax.”

“Connor, you’re a turd head,” we overhear Madison say, and then I get the look from Katie as I start laughing.

“Hey, Tor. Can you grab me a beer?” I holler over to her while I sit next to her husband, Trevor.

“All these men are helpless,” I hear her tell my aunts.

My mother gathers the older kids and takes them up to the playroom, and when Tori hands me my beer, she sits on the floor between her husband’s legs.

After taking a long swig, Trevor asks, “So, man, how’s life in Seattle?”

“Good. Can’t really complain.”

“I need to get some free time to get up there and run around with you for a few days,” he tells me.

“You should. I haven’t been going out as much as I used to though.”

“Oh yeah?” he questions before Tori butts in and adds, “Why’s that? You seeing someone?”

Shit. This girl sees right through me, so I quickly defend, not wanting to reveal my personal shit to anyone, “What? No. Just been busy and haven’t had much time.”

Narrowing her eyes at me, she says, “You lie. You told me last week that the new manager is freeing up your time and you haven’t been going into the office as much.”

“Dude, who is she?” Trevor pipes in with a nudge to my arm.

“Who’s who?” my mother says as she walks down the stairs.

God, my family is nosey as hell.

“Nothing, Mom. They’re just giving me crap.”

My mom walks into the kitchen to join her sisters.

“Seriously, Ryan,” Tori pries.

Looking down at her, I say, “Seriously,” in an attempt to clip her curiosity.

“Don’t listen to her,” Ethan, Katie’s husband, tells me. “Enjoy the freedom.”

I give him a nod and take another sip of my beer, while Tori teases him, “That’s nice, Ethan. Does my sister know that you miss your freedom?”

“Every. Single. Day,” he jokes right back with her, and the three of them start laughing.

“I can’t lie, I miss it too,” Tori admits through her chuckles.

I listen to them while they complain, wishing I knew what it felt like to have what they do. Someone to share their bed with, kids, a family to make a home with. I’ve been alone my whole life. I feel like I don’t have a choice. I see what my cousins have, and it seems happy. But what I had, what I know , is a stark difference. It was pure chaos and dysfunction. Misery. I fear I’ll wind up just like my dad. I don’t know what it takes to be functional with anyone. I was never exposed to what a healthy relationship looks like. But when I think about where I’d like to wind up in life, it isn’t alone.

I head upstairs to my room to grab a coat and then make my way out to the back patio that overlooks Cannon Beach. It’s cold and windy with a faint mist under the grey sky. I love it out here, so I sit and kick my feet up onto the wooden railing in front of me.

I hear the door open, and when I look back, I watch my mom join me as she sits in the chair next to me.

“What are you doing out here in the cold?” she asks as she ties her leopard scarf around her neck, and my mind goes to Candace for a second before I answer, “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“I don’t know. I guess nothing, really.”

She shifts to face me, and I don’t even hesitate when I open up to her. “I met someone.”

“Really?” she says, completely surprised.

I laugh at her enthusiasm and shake my head. “Don’t get too excited, Mom. I’m not even sure she notices me.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t really know. She’s hard to figure out.”

“You meet her at the bar?” she questions.

“No. She isn’t that type of girl,” I say before taking a draw from my beer. “She’s quiet. Reserved. She’s studying dance at U-Dub.” Looking over at my mom, she’s smiling at me. “What?”

“Nothing. You’ve just never talked about a girl before.”

“No girl has ever given me a reason to.”

“So, have the two of you gone out yet?”

“No. Like I said, she’s hard to read,” I tell her as I look out over the water. “She’s different than the chicks I normally go for.”

“In what way?”

I turn back to my mom and respond, “In every way.”

She sits back in her chair and asks, “What’s her name?”

“Candace.”

“Pretty name.”

“She has these ticks though,” I reveal.

“Like what?”

“She’s awkward around crowds. She’s close friends with a couple of guys I know, and they’re really protective of her. I notice she stays the night with one of them a lot.”

“Is she seeing him?” she asks, and I laugh.

“No.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“‘Cause they’re gay, Mom.”

“Hmm,” is all she responds.

“I dunno. There’re just these things I pick up on that she does, but she’s so standoffish with me, and it’s hard trying to get her to talk.”

“Sometimes the things worth keeping are the things we have to work for,” she tells me.

“Maybe,” I sigh. “We’ll see. I don’t even really know her. It’s just . . . I want to.”

She reaches out and takes my hand as I look over at her and smile.

The house has been noisy and busy for the past couple of days. Every room is filled, and having the whole family here is always something I enjoy. I went for a run along the beach this morning, and when I came back, my mom and her sisters were already in the kitchen, preparing food for Thanksgiving dinner.