Devon Hartford - Painless

Romeo’s eyes lit up and his monocle popped out again. “I know! Jugs Bunny! It wouldn’t be gay. Jugs Bunny is a college coed with huge boobs. She’s always getting into trouble because they’re so large.”

“You know, that comment proves that gay men are men, not women trapped in men’s bodies.”

Romeo looked confused. “What do you mean? Huge boobs are hilarious.”

I shook my head dismissively. “Exactly.”

“All right, Debbie Downer. Why don’t you come up with something? You’re shooting down everything I’ve got.”

I smirked, “What, aren’t you going to suggest a comic strip about a college coed who gives lots of head, and her name is Debbie Downer?”

Romeo’s eyes lit up again. “That’s genius, Sam! I love it!” He scribbled down some notes in his notebook. “Can you start drawing sketches of her? What would she look like? Does she have a huge mouth? A really long neck? Muscular lips? Maybe she has a sideways mouth that looks like a vajay-jay?”

I rolled my eyes and my head in unison. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No!” he said, smiling from ear to ear. “Does she have to shave? Have a curly beard? A clit for a nose and only one nostril that she can pee out of? The comedic potential is infinite!” Romeo pounded his fist on the table, his eyes gleaming with excitement. He looked ready to take over the world with his comedy mastermind.

I grimaced. “That all sounds like a bit much. Couldn’t you just make her a regular girl with an animal friend, like Calvin and Hobbes, or maybe Snoopy and Woodstock?”

“That’s perfect! But the bird’s name will be Woodcock! And Woodcock would, of course, be gay! Because he’s a cartoon bird! You’re a genius, Sam!”

I groaned. We had a ways to go with our comic strip idea.

I pulled the mail out of the mail box at the Manos house the next day. I had been bringing in the mail and doing lots of little things around the Manos house to show my appreciation to Spiridon and Christos. It was my house too. So I did my part to take care of it.

I sorted through the stack of mail and one letter jumped out at me.

San Diego University Cashier’s Office.

Oh shit.

I tore the letter open.

I’d forgotten to make my monthly tuition payment! I’d been so crazy busy lately, the deadline had slipped right out of my mind. My first thought was that I was going to get booted from school. With Tiffany’s accusation about me stealing her credit card hanging over my head already, I was skating on thin ice. The last thing I needed was a late payment weighing me down. Now I was on the verge of cracking through the ice and sinking into the freezing water.

I needed to take care of this immediately. Maybe I could put some of my tuition payment on my credit card? It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I was desperate.

Out of habit, I reached into the mailbox, making sure I hadn’t missed anything. I suddenly had the idea that the mailbox would clamp shut on my fingers like a greedy maw, and chew them off. With my other problems mounting, it seemed a likely scenario.

“Did the mail come?” Christos asked as he walked outside.

“Oh!” I jumped.

“Something wrong?”

“Uh, no?” Guilty question mark. “I mean, no! Everything’s fine!” And the exclamation points too. “I mean fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell him about my money problems. I’d vowed to take care of them myself, and I was going to follow through. It was all part of proving to my parents and myself that I wasn’t foolish for choosing art.

“All right,” Christos said. “I’m going to run to the art supply store. I need some new sable brushes. Do you need anything while I’m there?”

Not that I could afford anything. I was beyond broke. And Christos had already spent a ton of money setting up my drawing table with supplies in our studio. I couldn’t ask for more. “No, thanks,” I sighed.

“Do you want to come with, anyway?”

“No, I have to go to campus.”

“You were just there. I thought your classes were done for the day.”

“I have to take care of something with my, uh, financial aid! Some new loan papers!” I lied. I hoped Christos didn’t know the first thing about how financial aid and loans worked, or he’d start asking questions and find out real quick.

“That’s cool. Do you want a ride? We could go to Blick Art down in Little Italy after.”

“No! That’s okay!”

He frowned. “You sure?”

“Yes!”

“All right. In that case, I’m taking the Duke. The weather’s so nice, I feel like a ride.”

I was about to ask if he’d been drinking, because I didn’t want him riding his motorcycle if he’d had even a sip. But ever since that visit with his dad, I don’t think Christos had been drinking much at all. “Okay,” I said.

He pushed his Ducati out of the garage and put his helmet on. “Wanna have dinner when I get home?”

“That would be awesome.”

“And don’t forget, we need to start your painting soon.”

Oh, that. Me, nude. For everyone to see. Naked on a mountain top at night was one thing. A well lit portrait hanging in a crowded gallery was another. “Sure!” Notice the exclamation point.

“Maybe we can start tonight,” he suggested.

“Maybe?” Notice the question mark.

He nodded and smiled his dimpled grin. “Later,” he said as he revved the bike and rode off.

I envied that Christos was back to his usual carefree self. It had happened almost overnight, like all his troubles had vanished. He’d returned to being the Christos I’d fallen in love with. It was amazing what the love of a supportive parent could do for one’s confidence and self esteem.

(Subtle jab at my own parents)

Sigh.

I wished my troubles would vanish like Christos’, so I could be carefree too. Unfortunately, mine weren’t even close to free. They cost thousands of dollars that I didn’t have.

At least I had my credit card. I could now begin the time honored American tradition of sinking into a pit of debt I might never be able to climb out of.

“What do you mean I can’t pay my tuition by credit card?” I asked in horror.

The cashier, a middle aged guy with a pepper gray beard and glasses, stood behind the counter at the SDU Central Cashier’s Office. He said, “We can only accept payment by cash, check, money order, or student loan checks.”

“But I’m out of student loan money and I don’t have any cash,” I groused. “The bank won’t give me a loan because I don’t have a cosigner.” I was ready to cry and plead for mercy. I think it showed on my face and desperate tone of voice.

The cashier smiled sympathetically. “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do. Have you spoken with someone at Financial Aid? They can help you explore all of your aid options in depth.”

“I have,” I sighed. “I can’t get any more loan money until next year.”

“That’s a problem,” he nodded sympathetically.

“What happens if I don’t pay?”

“There is a grace period. You have another week to pay before you incur a late fee of fifty dollars.”

Shit, I didn’t have fifty dollars to spare, let alone thousands. “What happens if I don’t pay by then?”

“You’ll incur a hold on your account.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you’ll have to pay a $35 fee to clear the hold and make your payment.”

“You mean I’ll have to pay $35 so I can pay the $50 late fee AND my tuition?”

“Yes,” he said somewhat sheepishly.

I shook my head. Great. More money I didn’t have. “What happens if I don’t clear the hold?”