Devon Hartford - Painless

The professor nodded, then went back to helping the students.

Well, at least Mr. Underwood wasn’t offended. I felt a little better, but I tossed Romeo a shocked look over Kamiko, who was folded over, clutching her stomach. If Romeo didn’t stop, we were going to get busted.

Romeo winked at me and whispered, “I’m kidding, Kamiko. It wasn’t crabs. It was barnacles. I had no idea that barnacles were a sexually transmittable disease. Lesson learned. Don’t have sex with crusty old pirate ship captains. Butt barnacles are the worst. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wipe when your butt is covered with barnacles? Barnacles shred toilet paper like nobody’s business.”

“HA!” the model shouted. Then he started coughing elaborately. But I could tell he was just trying to maintain a professional demeanor by hiding his laughter.

Romeo was going to get poor Mr. Underwood fired at this rate.

The professor stood up from his drawing horse and said to Mr. Underwood, “Let me get you some water.” He walked to the corner sink and filled a clean styrofoam cup from the tap.

Kamiko suddenly sat up, her face red, looking like she had diarrhea or was ready to barf after hearing Romeo’s barnacle comments. She turned to Romeo and mimed projectile vomiting in his lap with her hands, cupping them and moving them up and down in front of her mouth repeatedly. She made a choked sound, “Gack!”

“Are you sucking off a giant dick?” Romeo whisper tittered. “Or is it a giant wooden dildo?”

The young guy next to me blurted a restrained, whispery laugh.

The professor walked past us and handed the cup of water to Mr. Underwood, who thanked him and drank the water down in several swallows before resuming his pose.

Kamiko dropped her hands in her lap and looked at me, shocked with embarrassment. She was even redder than before.

“Ahem,” Professor Childress said as he turned around, standing right in front of us with a frown on his face and holding his arms behind his back in a teacherly pose. “Would it be possible for the three of you to focus your energies on your drawings rather than socializing during class? You’re distracting the model. And your classmates.”

“Geez, Sam!” Romeo growled, “I’m trying to draw! Stop distracting me!” He hunched over his pad and frantically shaded in his drawing of the pirate’s jacket with his charcoal stick like he was innocent.

“Me?” I squeaked. “You were the one who—!”

Professor Childress stared at me and arched his eyebrows expectantly.

I winced and smiled back at him. I’m sure I looked like a guilty idiot. I wanted to explain it was the Loco Locomotive’s fault, not mine.

The professor flicked his gaze from me to my drawing pad, hinting I should get back to work. I nodded and started sketching out the lines of my pirate’s hat like a good girl. My face broiled with embarrassment. I think I was now redder than Kamiko.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kamiko was biting her lip, looking terribly frightened, like she was going to get detention, or maybe even expelled. She was drawing so furiously she was tearing holes in her paper. She folded back the torn sheet with shaky hands and started a new drawing. She whimpered while she worked.

The professor stepped around behind us. For the next two minutes, he loomed over us, making sure we were working diligently.

I was pretty sure his glare was burning holes in our backs.

After another minute, the professor leaned forward so that his face was right beside Romeo’s ear. In a low voice, he muttered, “Next time, young man,” he said to Romeo ominously, “I suggest you choose your pirate lovers more carefully.”

Romeo’s eyes goggled.

“But,” the professor quipped, “from what I’ve heard, the best way to remove butt barnacles is to chip them off with a pickaxe. Just be careful of your nuts, young man,” he said seriously, “I wouldn’t want you chipping them off in the process.” He straightened up and smiled at us. “You didn’t hear it from me,” he winked.

I glanced from Romeo to Kamiko and the three of us burst out laughing.

Professor Childress was awesome.

Mr. Underwood snickered without restraint, his face turning beet red.

The professor chuckled and winked at Mr. Underwood, “Keep up the good work, Dick.” Then the professor walked away to circulate amongst the other students.

Old Dick Underwood, I mean regular Dick Underwood, nodded and smiled at the Professor.

“The model’s name is Dick!” Romeo hissed. “Dick Underwood! I told you! I was right! His middle name is probably Wooden Dildo!”

Kamiko gawked, “Dick Wooden Dildo Underwood?”

Romeo, the Loco Locomotive, had finally gone off the tracks.

The young guy next to me let out a long, loud laugh.

Professor Childress stood on the other side of the room. He shook his head at us and chuckled before helping another student with their drawing.

I loved this class!

After class that afternoon, Romeo and I sat at one of the tables outside Toasted Roast, brainstorming ideas for comic strips for The Wombat. We still hadn’t come up with much since going to The Wombat staff meeting weeks ago.

“How about Gay vs. Gay?” Romeo asked, tapping his pen against his lips. “It’ll be a parody of the classic Spy vs. Spy comics from Mad Magazine.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen that one,” I said as I sipped my coffee. “What’s it about?”

“It’s these two spies, one wears black, the other wears white, and they’re always trying to kill each other with clever booby traps. And I think they’re birds because they have these long pointy triangle noses.”

I doodled in my sketch pad as I asked, “How would it work if it was Gay vs. Gay?”

“They’d always be trying to sleep with each other?” he suggested.

“I’m confused. Wouldn’t they want to sleep with each other, if they were gay? What would be the challenge?”

“Maybe they hate each other?”

“Then why would they be trying to sleep with each other?”

“Hmm. Maybe you’re right. How about Peabutts, a gay parody of Charles Schultz’ classic Peanuts? Or we could call it Peanis.”

“That sounds horribly wrong,” I chuckled. “We’d probably get sued.”

“How about Dickey Mouse?”

“Same problem,” I said, taking another sip of coffee.

“Daffy Dick?”

I rolled my eyes.

“What? All cartoon birds are gay. Why do you think Daffy was so angry? He wasn’t getting laid. And you know Tweety Bird was gay.”

I shook my head.

“Gayfield the Cat?”

“No.”

"Come on! Cats are totally gay man’s best friend.”

I arched an eyebrow doubtfully. “Do all gays loves cats?”

“I don’t know about the rest of us, but I sure do. They’re the only kind of pussy I really like,” he snickered. He paused in thought, drumming his pen against his notebook. “How about Queer Family Circus?”

“I’m sensing a theme here,” I sighed.

Romeo’s monocle fell from his eye in disappointment. “I’m trying to be contemporary, Sam. There’s tons of TV shows with gay couples in them. Why not gay comic strips?”

“Okay. But Queer Family Circus sounds way too pedo. With clowns,” I shuddered.

“Clowns are funny.”

“Clowns are scary,” I insisted.

“All that garish makeup is pretty creepy,” Romeo grimaced, squinching his monocle back into his eye. “Maybe you’re right. How about Penis the Menace?”

“That sounds like porn.”

“Family Gay?”

“Like Family Guy?” I asked skeptically.

“Why not? Gays have families too.”

I sighed. “Do we have any other ideas?”