Ella Dominguez - Becoming Sir

Her eyes wet with tears and she scanned the palms of her hands. “But we can learn to love each other.”

“Is that what you really want? Someone you’ve learned to love and chosen by default? Or someone you know without a doubt that you love?”

“But Master K has said that he cannot offer himself as a Master to me…” she began.

He drew her closer and put a finger to her mouth to quiet her. “Kerian will never offer himself to you out of tradition and respect for his role as a trainer, but some traditions are meant to be broken, Ciara. Like this one. I can honestly tell you that if you offer yourself to him, he will not deny you.”

A shadow of alarm touched her face. “But what if he does?”

“He and Julia love you. This is where you’re meant to be. If you don’t ask, you’re denying yourself what rightfully belongs to you – their love and protection.”

“But what about you?” she asked sadly as she reached over and touched his mouth.

Again he felt the powerful physical pull to her. It would always be there. But his heart belonged to someone else and he didn’t want to be with Ciara by default either. He wanted someone he knew without a doubt that he loved and that person was not Ciara.

“You and I are in quite a predicament, Angel. We’ve both fallen for our trainers.”

She smiled understandingly and rested her head on his shoulder. “Then may I respectfully give you a piece of your own advice? Ask her to be yours, Sawyer, and take what is rightfully yours.”

Sarah stumbled to her front door and barely made it inside her house when the tears came. She had rigidly held them at bay on the long drive home but there was no denying them anymore. Throwing herself onto her bed, she could still smell Sawyer and her anguish peaked, shattering the last threads of the fragile control she had been holding onto for weeks.

Her mind was languid and without hope at the thought of being without him. But how could she have fallen for him so hard and so fast? Angry with herself, she bit her bottom lip until it throbbed like her pulse in hopes that it would snap her out of her agonizing maelstrom.

Damn her for agreeing to train him when she was still grieving for Doug. No, she was kidding herself. She had accepted his passing months before Sawyer, despite what she had tried to convince herself of. She would never be over his death, but she had avoided physical and intimate contact for her own selfish reasons – because she didn’t want to suffer the loss of love again. And here she was, bereft and desolate over a trainee.

But Sawyer was no mere trainee, he was her other half. Like Doug had been. She had preached honest and open communication, and she had hidden her true feelings all along. And now it was too late. He was gone and she would never have him again.

Images of the video flashed in front of her closed eyes. She had done her best to watch it objectively, but she had damn near broke down seeing her Sir’s hands wrapped around Ciara’s throat as he took her. Was she selfish for wanting that pleasure and his hands only for herself? It was her own damned fault for having taught him how to do it. Why did she have to teach him the fetish which she held near to her heart? Because it was her duty. Her job. Her service. And she had done it admirably, too, hadn’t she?

She rolled onto her back and a tormented choking cry escaped her throat. As a raw and primitive grief overwhelmed her, she screamed his name loudly, her squeaky voice echoing off the walls. Not giving a damn about being selfish anymore, she prayed he heard it on the other side of town and that he thought of her while he was passionately fucking Ciara, his slave.

Blinded by her tears, she closed her eyes, the pleasures of their night together still haunting her. She just wanted to sleep the rest of the day away and to forget about the wretched images of Ciara with Sawyer. Her Sir. Her Master.

When she woke, nightfall had already come. She looked at her clock and was stunned to see that it was nearly 10:00 p.m. She forced herself to shower and made herself eat, numbly going about the chores on auto-mode.

Lying near the door was her camera bag and the contract she had dropped on her way in. She inhaled deeply and did what had to be done. She removed the camera and promptly did what she had promised she would, and erased the footage of Sawyer’s scene. She hesitated to do what came next, but swallowed hard and bit back the impending tears as she shredded the contract. It was the final act in her sad and pathetic theatrical performance for which she deserved some sort of award for having faked her lack of emotions so well.

Seated on the couch in her darkened living room, she let the silence wrap itself around her like a warm blanket. It was calming. She looked to a picture hanging on her wall of her and Doug and smiled. He was such a good man. Closing her eyes, she envisioned Sawyer and smiled. He was such a good man. He deserved only the best and she began to feel guilty for her thoughts from earlier. No, she didn’t want him to think of her while he was with Ciara. Ciara deserved better than that. They deserved one another and to be loved completely and without reservation, and without the memories of past lovers haunting them. Ciara looked so beautiful when she accepted Sawyer’s touch and when she was finally free from her fears. Sarah hated to admit it, but Ciara and Sawyer were meant to be. Maybe someday, if she was lucky, she would find true love again.

Just as she leaned her head back, her phone rang. Picking it up, she was surprised to see Isabel’s phone number on the screen. Wondering what the reason for such a late call would be, panic gripped her heart. Perhaps something had happened to Sawyer. A car accident. God, please, no. Not again.

“Is everything okay?” she blurted out as soon as she answered.

There was a moment of silence before Isabel answered. “Yes, of course. Why would you ask that?”

Sarah heaved a loud sigh of relief. “I just thought that maybe something had happened to…nevermind. Is everything okay with you?”

“Yes. I’m really good actually, just a little pukey. Anyway, I know it’s late, but I really need your help with something. I wouldn’t ask except that it’s very important. Can you come over?”

There was a note of vagueness and nervousness in Isabel’s normally silky voice and Sarah felt uneasy with her request. “Right now? What’s so important?”

She sighed and shuffled her phone before answering. “Oh, Sarah, please don’t ask. I’m a terrible liar so don’t force me to make an excuse. What I need to discuss is… personal. I really don’t want to speak about it over the phone.”

Sarah couldn’t deny that it was a welcome request. She needed the company to take her mind off of Sawyer and she was looking forward to seeing Isabel’s growing baby bump. “Okay, okay. I’ll leave right now.”

“You’re the best, Sarah. Thank you.”

On her drive to the Youngs’ residence, her thoughts were once again on Sawyer. It couldn’t be helped. It would take time to get over him. A long time. He had worked his way into her heart and getting over him would be like grieving another lost lover.

She was so engrossed in her thoughts of the previous week and how glorious it had been, how the sleek caress of his body had felt against her and how his dominating words and touch had affected her, she didn’t even realize when she parked in the Youngs’ garage. She was promptly met by security who escorted her to the elevator and up to their living room suite.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, she was greeted by Isabel’s warm hug. She looked bright with a healthy glow in her cheeks. Sarah hoped someday if she ever became pregnant, she would look as good.