Lyra Parish: Weak for Him

The rushing water no longer took me away from my thoughts. Not with Finnley sitting in front of me, bare-chested, with a smile on his face. If I didn't know better, I'd say Finn enjoyed it. Enjoyed being in control of both Luke's destiny and mine.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It isn't my job to tell you about my family. My job is to be your boss and to offer the best prices and protection for my girls while ensuring my customers experience quality service. I did that. I accomplished it. But sometimes, not often, I decide that the rules are not playing by my own. So I change them. With family involved, it makes it much easier."

"It's not just your family you're playing with. It's my emotions, too. "

"Even more reason to stop it before it happened."

"What about Nancy, Finn? Your serious relationship? Your future fucking wife? I don't want to play these games anymore. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of you. You're driving me crazy."

He didn't answer.

I stood.

The water swooshed over the edges and splashed onto the cement ground. Before I could get my foot over the side, Finnley grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him. I lost my balance and with a splash, he caught me in his arms.

"You can't be mad at me."

Our faces were so close to one another, so incredibly close.

"Let me go."

I struggled to get away, but his firm grasp was ever holding.

"No."

"I don't want to be around you right now."

"I don't care."

"You should. I don't like you very much at the moment."

"I still don't care. I want you to sit with me and enjoy this beautiful night."

"No. Let. Go."

He grabbed my face with his hands and slammed his lips against mine. He sucked on my bottom lip and I tried to force him away, but his kisses were unwavering. My heart raced as he ran his hands through my wet hair, and the wall of anger slowly crumbled, and I began to kiss him back. As much as I wanted to pull away, I was kissing him. Stupid body. With that, all the emotions that I had locked away released. He lifted me on top of him, and I could feel him, long and hard as I straddled his legs. Once I pulled my lips away, I reared my hand back and slapped his face as hard as I could with my wet hand.

"I'm sick of the fucking games," I said.

He moved closer until his nose almost touched mine. With a tilt of his head, he softly brushed his open lips against mine. We didn't kiss, but my breath caught, and so did his. I tried to swallow, but my throat was parched because I was thirsty, but not only for water. Every emotion that I suppressed was stuffed back into the basement of my heart. I was fucking done with him.

I stood from the hot tub and walked naked through the house to the shower. I didn't give a damn if I tracked water over the wood floor.

Finn didn't follow me.

With the shower water turned on hot, I stood underneath until it burned my skin.

I needed to feel alive.

I wanted to scorch the confusion away.

Istepped from the shower and toweled off my body. My reflection displayed the face of the saddest girl in the world, who continued to go on about her ways with nothing more than a pretty face, slim waist, and a million problems. I wrapped the towel around my head and stalked to my bedroom.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, I wished Lori was home. She had been gone way too long, and I missed the camaraderie that we shared, her good advice, and silly poetic sayings. She understood me, probably the only person in this house that did.

I slipped on a t-shirt and pajama pants, and turned on the TV. I wanted to get lost in stupid zombies who ate out people's hearts. That would make me feel better.

The door clicked, and Finn walked in. I turned the TV up as loud as it would go until it blared the gnarling sounds of ripping tendons, hoping he would get the hint.

But he didn't.

Instead, he jerked the cord from the wall, and stood with his arms crossed.

"Do you love him?"

I stared up at the ceiling and refused to answer. I didn't know the answer to the question. Was it love? I couldn't give a clear answer.

"I need to know, Jennifer. Do you love him?"

"This has become personal, hasn't it?" I glared at him.

"It's always been personal. You'll learn that no matter how hard you try to detach yourself from someone that it doesn't work. I don't care what the fucking contract says about love. I know better. I saw the way you looked at him. Now answer me."

"What about the other fuck's you've had in the last few months. What about Nancy? What do you know about love?"

"I've fulfilled some fetishes and I've made sexual dreams come true. But were those women the type I am content sleeping next to without fucking? Or someone I would bring to meet my family? Tell my secrets to?" He shook his head and continued. "Sometimes you have sex to be purely physical. To forget about that person that means the world to you. And yeah, I've fucked them, and all of them came crawling back. Gave them the best orgasms of their lives, even made them beg for more on all fours. But did I connect with them emotionally? Did I give two shits about them afterward? No. But can you say the same about your rendezvous with Luke? Love is an emotion that will destroy you if you let. It can ruin your life, or it can create a new one. Don't talk to me about fucking love, Jennifer Downs. The question is yours to answer."

I wanted to run away from his smothering words. I stood to leave, but he pulled me into him. His jaw clenched, waiting for me to answer, waiting for me to tell him how I really felt about Luketon Brand. Did I love Luke?

"No. I don't know what love is."

"When you stare into someone's eyes, and you get a shot of adrenaline that streams through you and sings within your blood, that's love. It's a silly memory of a person that makes you laugh, or a second that you relive in your mind a million times over just so you can experience it again. Love is kisses and touches and all the little things that make your body flood with emotions such as need, want, protectiveness, jealousy, hurt, and anger. It can take your breath away, or smother you at times, and make you feel like you can't go on. Your heart may race a thousand miles per minute, then slow down, and then race again, just with a simple look. Love is deadly and can kill you from the inside out if you let it. It makes you do stupid, ridiculous things, and say senseless sappy words, or listen to silly love songs, jazz, or dance in the streets, or laugh, or smile. Love is a weapon, or a drug, and can drive a person mad. I know what love is, and what it's like to be in love, and I have a feeling you do too."

I swallowed. I did know what being in love was.

My mind tumbled like a satellite lost in space, barrel rolling and spinning, shining only when the sun reflected on it, and then circled around into nothing but darkness.

If I admitted loving, my life would become a jumbled mess, a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces were never meant to fit together. Cinderella couldn't be a princess if the shoe didn't fit.

Finn and I were different, but the same.

Could I really become a part of his world?

His life?

Was it even an option? Or, rather, another stupid fairy tale that love created to confuse me.

Everything would change.

I couldn't handle more change.

But as I looked into his eyes, my breath and words didn't seem to come, and I knew that everything he spoke of, I felt. Love could be cruel, and toxic, and overpowering. Love could jab you in the heart and leave you dry, but love could also make the birds sing louder, make the music sound lovelier, and make the wind blow sweeter.

"I know what you're thinking. Your face gave it away."