Sophie Kinsella: Wedding Night

I give a little inward cheer. I want to hug her. In our code, that’s forgiveness. I know I’m not completely off the hook yet―but at least there’s hope.

“Bikinis are so over.” I match her detached tone. “Didn’t you know that?”

“Nice panties.” She gives a reluctant shrug.

“Thanks.”

“Underpants!” shouts Noah. “Underpants! Hey, Aunt Lottie, I have a question,” he adds chattily.

“Have you put the sausage in the cupcake?”

“What?” Lottie says, as though stung. “Does he mean―” She stares at me incredulously.

“Have you put the sausage in the cupcake yet?”

“Noah! That’s … that’s none of your business! Why shouldn’t I have? Anyway, why are you asking me?” She seems so flustered that I look at her, suddenly alert. The way she’s behaving, it’s almost as though ―almost as though …

“Lotts?” I say, raising my eyebrows.

“Shut up!” she says frantically.

Oh my God. She’s totally giving herself away.

“You haven’t ?” My mind is working overtime. They haven’t had sex yet? Why not? Whyever not?

“Stop talking about it!” She seems near tears. “Just butt out of my marriage! Butt out of my honeymoon! Butt out of everything!”

“Lottie?” I look at her more closely. Her eyes are wet and her lips are quivering. “Are you OK?”

“Of course I’m OK!” She suddenly flips out. “Why wouldn’t I be OK? I’ve got the happiest marriage in the world! I’m the luckiest girl in the world, and I’m totally utterly, ecstatically―” She breaks off and rubs her eyes as though she can’t believe her own vision.

I squint past her, trying to focus, and suddenly I see what she’s staring at. It’s a figure. A man.

Coming over the beach toward us, with an unmistakable, heavy, sure-footed gait. Lottie has turned so pale, I’m worried she’s going to faint―and no wonder. I stare incredulously at the familiar figure, my mind scurrying with possibilities. He vowed he was going to stay away. So what on earth is he doing here?

LOTTIE

I think I’m going to have a heart attack. Or a panic attack. Or some other kind of attack. The blood is zooming from my head to my feet and back to my head as though it doesn’t know what to do with itself. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I can’t … anything .

It’s Richard. Here.

Not zillions of miles away, leading a completely new life in which he’s forgotten I exist. But here, on Ikonos. Walking toward me over the beach. I blink at him rapidly, my eyelids almost in spasm; I’m unable to speak. It makes no sense. He’s in San Francisco. He’s supposed to be in San Francisco .

Now he’s making his way steadily through the audience. I’m shaking all over as he draws near. The last time I saw him was in that restaurant, telling him I didn’t accept his nonexistent proposal. That seems like a million years ago. How did he even know where I was?

I glance sharply at Fliss, but she looks as flabbergasted as I do.

And now he’s in front of the stage and he’s looking up at me with those dark eyes that I love, and I think I’m going to lose it. I was just about holding it together, but now he goes and turns up― “Lottie,” he says, and his voice is as deep and comforting as ever. “I know you’re … m―” He seems to have difficulty saying the word. “ Married . I know you’re married. And I wish you every happiness with that.” He pauses, breathing heavily. Around him, all the chatter has died away. The audience is watching us, riveted. “Congratulations.” His eyes flick to Ben, then away again, as though Ben is some loathsome creature he can’t bear to look at.

“Thanks,” I manage at last.

“So I won’t keep you. But I thought you should know something. You didn’t start the fire.”

“What?” I peer at him, unable to process his words.

“You didn’t start the fire,” he repeats. “It was another girl.”

“But what― How―” I swallow hard. “How did you even―”

“Fliss told me that you thought you’d started the fire. I knew you’d be devastated and I couldn’t believe it was true. So I went to find out the truth.”

“You went to the guest house?” I say disbelievingly.

“I talked to your friend Arthur.” Richard nods. “I made him get out the original police reports. He let me spread them over his table and read through all of them. And it was quite clear. The fire didn’t start in your room. It was above the kitchen.”

For a moment, my thoughts are so jumbled I can’t reply. No one’s even whispering. The only sound is that of the bunting flapping in the sea breeze.

“You went to the guest house?” I repeat at last, falteringly. “You did all that? For me ?”

“Of course,” says Richard, as though it’s obvious.

“Even though I’m married to someone else?”

“Of course,” says Richard again.

“Why?”

Richard shoots me a disbelieving look as though to say, Do you really have to ask?

“Because I love you,” he says matter-of-factly. “Sorry,” he adds to Ben.

FLISS

Of all the moments I’ve experienced in life, this is the one I will remember forever. I’m holding my breath. The whole place is silent. Lottie’s staring at Richard, transfixed, her eyes huge. Her Happy Couple of the Week sash is glimmering in the lights, and her crown has slipped.

“Well … well …” She doesn’t seem able to get the words out. “Well, I still love you!” She tears off her crown. “I love you!”

Richard visibly jolts with shock. “But―” He gestures at Ben.

“It was a mistake!” She’s almost sobbing now. “It was all a mistake! And I was thinking about you all the time, but you’d gone to San Francisco, but now here you are―” She suddenly turns to me, her face tearstained. “Fliss? Did you bring Richard here?”

“Er … kind of,” I say cautiously.

“Then I love you too.” She flings her arms around me. “Fliss, I love you.”

“Oh, Lotts.” Tears are welling up in my eyes now. “I love you. I just want you to have the happiest, happiest life.”

“I know.” She squeezes me tight, then turns and leaps off the stage, straight into Richard’s arms and the tightest embrace I’ve ever seen. “I thought you were gone forever!” she says into his shoulder. “I thought you were gone forever. I couldn’t bear it! I couldn’t bear it.”

“I couldn’t bear it either.” He’s looking warily at Ben. “The only thing is, you’re married―”

“I know,” she says miserably. “I know. But I don’t want to be.”

My antennae are on full alert. This is my moment! I leap down off the stage and tap Lottie, hard.

“Lotts! Tell me. This is important.” As she turns, I grip her by both shoulders. “Have you―” I glance at Noah. “Have you put the sausage in the muffin? Have you done it? Tell the truth! This is important!”

LOTTIE

What’s the point in lying anymore?

“No!” I say, almost defiantly. “We haven’t done it! We’re complete frauds. We’re not a happy couple; in fact, we’re not even a couple! Here.” I turn to Melissa, who has been watching avidly with all the others. “Have my crown. Have the sash.” I rip it off and grab the trophy from Ben. “Have everything! We were telling lies the whole time.” I press them all onto her, and she gazes back at me, her eyes narrowed.

“So the first date in the mortuary?”