Sophie Kinsella: Wedding Night

Surreptitiously, I reach down and yank the stocking up―but the flimsy fabric tears in my hand.

Great. Now I have both flapping plastic and shreds of nylon decorating my leg. I cannot believe my marriage proposal is being wrecked by hosiery. I should have gone for bare legs.

“Everything OK?” Richard looks a little baffled as I emerge from under the table.

“I have to go to the Ladies’,” I mutter. “I’m sorry. Sorry. Can we put things on pause? Just for a nanosecond?”

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.” I’m red with embarrassment. “I’ve had a … a garment mishap. I don’t want you to see.

Will you look away?”

Obediently, Richard averts his head. I push my chair back and walk swiftly across the room, ignoring the looks of other lunchtime diners. There’s no point trying to mask it. It’s a flappy stocking.

I bang through the door of the Ladies’, wrench off my shoe and the stupid stocking, then stare at myself in the mirror, my heart pounding. I can’t believe I’ve just put my proposal on pause.

I feel as though time is on hold. As though we’re in a sci-fi movie and Richard is in suspended animation and I’ve got all the time in the world to think about whether I want to marry him.

Which, obviously, I don’t need, because the answer is: I do.

A blond girl with a beaded headband turns to peer at me, lip liner in hand. I guess I do look a bit odd, standing motionless with a shoe and stocking in my hand.

“There’s a bin over there.” She nods. “Do you feel OK?”

“Fine. Thanks.” I suddenly have the urge to share the momentousness of this occasion. “My boyfriend’s in the middle of proposing to me!”

“No way .” All the women at the mirrors turn to stare at me.

“What do you mean, ‘in the middle of’?” demands a thin redheaded girl in pink, her eyebrows narrowed. “What’s he said, ‘Will you …’?”

“He started, but I had a stocking catastrophe.” I wave the holdup. “So he’s on pause.”

“On pause ?” says someone incredulously.

“Well, I’d get back out there quick,” says the redhead. “You don’t want to give him a chance to change his mind.”

“How exciting!” says the blond girl. “Can we watch? Can I film you?”

“We could put it on YouTube!” says her friend. “Has he hired a flash mob or anything?”

“I don’t think so―”

“How does this work?” An old woman with metal-gray hair cuts across our discussion imperiously. She’s waving her hands angrily underneath the automatic hand-wash dispenser. “Why do they invent these machines? What’s wrong with a bar of soap?”

“Look, like this, Aunt Dee,” says the redheaded girl soothingly. “Your hands are too high.”

I pull off my other shoe and stocking, and, since I’m here, reach for the hand lotion to slather on my bare legs. I don’t want to look back and think, It was such a romantic moment; shame about the scaly shins . Then I get out my phone. I have to text Fliss. I quickly type: He’s doing it!!!

A moment later, her reply appears on my screen:

Don’t tell me u r texting me in the middle of a proposal!!!

In Ladies’. Taking a moment.

V exciting!!! You make a great couple. Give him a kiss from me. xxx Will do! Talk later xxx

“Which one is he?” says the blond girl as I put away my phone. “I’m going to have a look!” She darts out of the Ladies’, then returns a few seconds later. “Ooh, I saw him. The dark guy in the corner? He’s fab. Hey, your mascara’s smudged.” She passes me a makeup eraser pen. “Want to do a quick fix?”

“Thanks.” I smile companionably at her and start to erase the tiny black marks below my eyes. My wavy chestnut hair is swept up in a chignon, and I suddenly wonder whether to let it down so it tumbles over my shoulders for the big moment.

No. Too cheesy. Instead, I pull some tendrils out and twist them around my face while I assess everything else. Lipstick: nice coral color. Eye shadow: shimmery gray to bring out my blue eyes.

Blusher: hopefully will not need touch-up as will be flushed with excitement.

“I wish my boyfriend would propose,” says a long-haired girl in black, watching me wistfully.

“What’s the trick?”

“Dunno,” I reply, wishing I could be more helpful. “I suppose we’ve been together awhile, we know we’re compatible, we love each other―”

“But so do my boyfriend and I! We’ve been living together, the sex is great, it’s all great.…”

“Don’t pressure him,” says the blond girl wisely.

“I mention it, like, once a year.” The long-haired girl looks thoroughly miserable. “And he gets twitchy and we drop it. What am I supposed to do? Move out? It’s been six years now―”

“Six years?” The old woman looks up from drying her hands. “What’s wrong with you?”

The girl with the long hair flushes. “Nothing’s wrong with me,” she says. “I was having a private conversation.”

“Private, pfft.” The old woman gestures briskly around the Ladies’ room. “Everyone’s listening.”

“Aunt Dee!” The redhead looks embarrassed. “Shush!”

“Don’t you shush me, Amy!” The old woman regards the long-haired girl beadily. “Men are like jungle creatures. The minute they’ve found their kill, they eat it and fall asleep. Well, you’ve handed him his kill on a plate, haven’t you?”

“It’s not as simple as that,” says the long-haired girl resentfully.

“In my day, the men got married because they wanted sex. That was motivation all right!” The old woman gives a brisk laugh. “All you girls with your sleeping together and living together and then you want an engagement ring. It’s all back to front.” She picks up her bag. “Come along, Amy! What are you waiting for?”

Amy shoots us desperate looks of apology, then disappears out of the Ladies’ with her aunt. We all exchange raised eyebrows. What a nutter.

“Don’t worry,” I say reassuringly, and squeeze the girl’s arm. “I’m sure things will work out for you.” I want to spread the joy. I want everyone to have the good luck that Richard and I have had: finding the perfect person and knowing it.

“Yes.” She makes an obvious effort to gather herself. “Let’s hope. Well, I wish you a very happy life together.”

“Thanks!” I hand the eraser pen back to the blond girl. “Here I go! Wish me luck!”

I push my way out of the Ladies’ and survey the bustling restaurant, feeling as though I’ve just pressed play . There’s Richard, sitting in exactly the same position as when I left him. He’s not even checking his phone. He must be as focused on this moment as I am. The most special moment of our lives.

“Sorry about that.” I slide into my chair and give him my most loving, receptive smile. “Shall we pick up where we left off?”

Richard smiles back, but I can tell he’s lost a bit of momentum. We might need to work back into things gradually. “It’s such a special day,” I say encouragingly. “Don’t you feel that?”

“Absolutely.” He nods.

“This place is so lovely.” I gesture around. “The perfect place for a … a big talk.”

I’ve left my hands casually on the table, and, as I intended, Richard takes them between his. He takes a deep breath and frowns.

“Speaking of that, Lottie, there’s something I wanted to ask.” As we meet eyes, his crinkle a little.

“I don’t think this will come as a massive surprise.…”

Oh God, oh God, here it comes .

“Yes?” My voice is a nervous squawk.