Karen Robards - Desire in the Sun

"Lord, I'd hate to be caught." Betsy's voice was prayerful as both girls thought of Leonard Remy's wrath. "But I can just slip it in my bosom until I see my Ben- he comes to the kitchen sometimes in the afternoon now-and give it to him. He'd do most anything for me."

"Thank heavens for Ben!"

"I says that a lot."

Both girls giggled, the first time Lilah had laughed since her aborted elopement with Joss. It felt good to smile again, and the brief spurt of lightheartedness didn't quite fade as Betsy eased her stays off, then untied the tapes of her petticoats and helped her step from them. Lastly she rolled down Lilah's stockings and pulled her chemise over her head, quickly replacing the garment with an immaculate white night rail.

"What would I do without you, Betsy? You're the only friend I have left." Lilah smiled with real affection at her maid as Betsy buttoned up the night rail.

"I'm not the only one that grieves for you, Miss Lilah," Betsy said seriously, following her mistress over to the big four-poster and pulling the covers down for her. Lilah climbed up on the high mattress. "Mama and Maisie think it's a real shame, how your pa's treatin' you. And Miss Allen is real upset, too. She wanted to come down to comfort you, but the master said no. I think she would have come anyway, you know she never pays him much mind, but there's no one who dares to help her downstairs, and she can't manage by herself."

"Dear Katy," Lilah said, her eyes misting. A lump rose in her throat as she thought of all those whom she loved: Joss, Katy, Jane, even her father despite everything, all as estranged from her as if she had died. What a dreadful coil she had gotten herself into by loving Joss! And yet, if she could do it all again, what exactly would she not do?

The key sounded in the lock, signalling the end of their time together. Betsy stepped nervously away from the bed. As expected, it was Jane, come to let Betsy out and lock Lilah in. For the first time since Lilah's announcement of her pregnancy, Jane stepped inside the room. She was carrying a silver tea tray.

"Betsy, you go on up to your room now, and wait there for me. I'll be up presently to lock your door."

"Yes, ma'am." Betsy bobbed a little curtsy to Jane, and with an uncertain glance at Lilah left the two alone. Jane set the tea tray on the table beside the bed, then, just as Lilah's eyes wandered to the unlocked door with a seed of hope, returned to turn the key in the lock.

"I finally persuaded your father to let me talk to you," Jane said as she stored the key securely in the pocket of her voluminous skirt. "Oh, Lilah, this has been so hard for all of us! How could you have… but never mind, I didn't come here to scold you. I just can't understand how you could… could ruin yourself with a man like that! I suggested to your father that perhaps your mind was injured in the shipwreck. It's the only explanation I can come up with that makes sense. You were always such a perfect lady before…"

The hesitancy of Jane's words robbed them of some of their sting. She was more sorrowful than accusing as she came toward the bed, her unfashionably full skirts rustling. Lilah sat up, moving a pillow behind her back, and leaned against the intricately carved headboard as her stepmother pulled a chair up beside the bed and sat down.

"My mind's not injured, Jane! I love him, and that's the simple truth. I wish you could just meet him as an equal, talk to him, just once, you and Papa. He's… he's wonderful. He's educated, and a gentleman, and handsome and charming and-"

"Let's not talk about him," Jane said, not quite managing to repress a shudder as she reached for the silver teapot. Pouring the tea, her hand trembled slightly, and Lilah realized with compassion that Jane had been badly shaken by the destruction of her family. Her love for Joss had had ramifications she had never even considered…

"Here, dear, drink this and we'll talk," Jane said, passing the cup to Lilah. The brew was strong, and very bitter. Lilah made a slight grimace at its taste. Jane must be more upset than she seemed if she could not brew palatable tea. But Lilah was so glad of the slight softening her stepmother's visit indicated that she managed to drink the foul-tasting liquid without a word of complaint.

"Dear, I must first preface what I have to say by telling you that, despite everything, I still consider you as a daughter. I want what's best for you, best for all of us, as does your father. He is so angry because he loved you so much, was so proud of you, and then you… do this. You know how proud he is! This is nearly killing him!"

"I'm truly sorry that I've hurt either of you," Lilah said, lowering her cup as a lump rose in her throat. "I never meant to! I never meant any of this to happen, but… 1… I can't honestly say I'm sorry it did. I love Joss-"

"Please don't mention that man's name! To hear it on your lips makes me feel quite ill!" Jane said with a visible shudder.

Lilah sat up a little straighter, her chin coming up. "You and Papa are just going to have to accept it: I'm with child by Joss, a slave. I'm also in love with him.

I'd marry him if I could. Please, Jane, if you love me, help me! Help me persuade Papa to free him, to let us both leave Barbados and go somewhere where his blood won't matter so!"

Jane swallowed, looked away, then back. "You know your father will never agree to that. Drink your tea, dear, don't let it get cold."

Absently Lilah took another sip. "I know Papa is planning to try to take my baby away from me. I won't let him."

Jane looked away again. "You haven't considered, Lilah. The… the child you carry will be of mixed race. It will be an outcast. You will be an outcast. No loving parent could wish such a hideous fate on a beloved daughter."

Lilah drained the last of the tea from the cup and handed it back to Jane, who set it on the tray beside her own untouched cup.

"My child won't be an outcast if only you'll persuade Papa to let Joss and me go! We can go back to England together, marry-"

"That won't alter the man's blood, Lilah. You have to look at this realistically. However attractive you may find him, he is not for you. It's better if you let go of the idea that you can ever make a life with him."

"But Jane-" Lilah's argument was interrupted by a sudden, terrible cramping deep inside her. She broke off in mid-speech, her eyes widening, her hands clasping her belly. The pain was sharp, twisting-awful! She had never felt anything like it…

Her face must have mirrored her distress, because Jane got to her feet, her own face whitening. "What is it, dear?"

"My stomach…" Lilah could say no more, because another pain caught her, making her writhe in agony.

"Oh, dear, oh, dear, I didn't know it would hurt you so," Jane murmured, ashen. As the pain subsided slightly to be replaced by another even more vicious, these words percolated through Lilah's pain-clouded consciousness. Her eyes opened, and she stared with horror at her stepmother, who was hovering over her anxiously as she twisted in the bed.

"Jane, Jane-what have you done?" It was a hoarse cry.

"Darling, we talked… we thought it was best… you can't have this child, Lilah! It would be a bastard, a… a mulatto!" Another pain knifed through Lilah's belly. She lay on her side, panting, her knees drawn up as she stared at her stepmother.

"It was in the tea!" Lilah gasped, understanding suddenly. Jane had gone to an Obeah and gotten the root that the natives used when they wanted to end a pregnancy. It had been ground and mixed into the tea…

"When this is over, when you're better, you can marry Kevin and we can forget this whole dreadful ordeal ever happened," Jane was saying rapidly as sweat broke out on her upper lip. Her eyes were large and dark with an echo of Lilah's pain, her hands gentle as they fluttered over her stepdaughter's brow.