Виктория Холт - The Judas kiss

So the thoughts went round and round in my head during that long and terrifying night and with the streak of dawn in the sky I was at the window looking at the Klingen Rock.

It was afternoon of the second day. The minutes seemed like hours. I was faint with lack of food, I suppose, for I had not eaten since the night of the fire. I was so exhausted that I even dozed for a moment.

No one came to me but the boy Zig. His presence did offer some small comfort because he was clearly sorry for me. He said the descent was swift and you'd be dead before you reached the jagged rocks at the foot of the ravine.

I went back over the past. I could smell the sea and the beautiful flowers on the island. I could clearly remember just how the bougainvillea grew about the studio. I could see Francine assuring the customers of my father's genius, and my mother's bedside when we had all known such sorrow. I could hear my father's voice: "It's Pippa's song. 'God's in his Heaven, all's right with the world.'"

So I brooded—waiting, living, it seemed, in a world of unreality, longing for that time to pass and yet fearing that the end of my life was very close.

Zig came in with another plate of stew and I turned from it shuddering. "Ought to keep your strength up," he said.

I believed that when he was outside the door he ate it himself. Poor Zig, I suspected they gave him very little to eat.

Who were these people? Servants of the Graf. Did he always send his enemies to them for disposal?

It was so quiet in the mountains that one heard sounds from a long way off. That was why I was aware of the approach of riders before I saw them.

I was at the window. They were coming to the schloss. It was a party of six. Conrad, I thought. But no! He was not among them. I could not have failed to recognize him. He would have stood out wherever he was. Now they were close I could see that it was Tatiana who rode at their head, and her companions looked like schloss guards.

I knew then that my doom had come upon me, for I was certain that Tatiana was determined to destroy me. She had judged me guilty and was going to make me pay the price.

I watched their approach. Their horses were taken and they entered the schloss. I waited tense, knowing that before long Tatiana would come to me.

I was right. I heard the key turn in the lock and she was standing before me.

"I hope you found your quarters comfortable," she said with a twist of her lips.

"You don't need an answer to that surely," I replied.

I felt reckless. I was going to die, but I would try to do it bravely.

"We have pieced the evidence together," she said, "and have found you guilty."

"How could you, without me there to defend myself?"

"There was no need for you to be there. The facts are evident. You had been meeting the Baron at the inn. He confirms this. You had made it clear that you hoped to marry him and that this would have been possible but for his contract with Freya. There could not be a stronger motive. And you tried it before with your grandfather. People are in your way and you eliminate them. Death is the penalty for murder."

"Everyone should have a fair trial. That is the law."

"Whose law? The law of your country perhaps. You are not there now. When you live in a country you obey that country's laws. You have been judged guilty and the sentence is death. Now, because of the people concerned this is an unusual case and it would be dangerous for you to return to be tried. It would create a situation of great uneasiness, possible war between Freya's country and mine. Freya was important and Kollenitz will want revenge for her death. They will want her murderess to be delivered to them. So I am offering you the choice."

"You are offering me the Klingen Rock," I said.

She nodded. "It will save a great deal of trouble ... perhaps war. You will throw yourself down and we will send your remains to Kollenitz. They will be satisfied to know that their Countess's murderess is dead. Justice will be seen to have been carried out. We shall leave in ten minutes for the Rock and you will do what has to be done."

"I shall not do it," I said.

She smiled. "You will be persuaded to change your mind."

"I know what is meant by that. Is it on your orders?"

"Mine and others."

"And who are the others?"

"The Grand Duke, the Baron Sigmund, my parents. We are all agreed that it is the best way and the most humane for you—though murderesses do not deserve to be let off so lightly perhaps."

"I don't believe this. I believe it is your judgment and yours alone." She raised her eyebrows questioningly and I went on, "Because you want me out of the way as you wanted Freya."

"I should prepare yourself. It will not be long now."

Then she had gone.

I stood at the window. Death, I thought. The quick plunge and then ... darkness. And Conrad? If I could see him once ... if I could only hear him say that he had truly loved me ... that he had no part in this ...

But I should never see him again. I should never really know.

They were at the door. It was the Big One this time. There was a woman with him. They had pale shut-in faces displaying no emotion; just cold, aloof as though death was commonplace in their lives. Perhaps it was. I wondered how many they had thrown from the Klingen Rock.

I put on my cloak and the man went first down the stairs; I followed and the woman came after. In the hall the company was assembled. This was my funeral. How many people are present at their own funerals? And all those who were present were my enemies ... except the boy Zig who stood there with his mouth slightly open and real compassion in his eyes.

Out into the cool mountain air. It was breathtaking after the confinement of my prison. I noticed the little white edelweiss and the sheen on the tiny rivulets that fell down the mountainside. There was an intensity about everything, a clarity. Did I see it more clearly because I was about to leave it?

Tatiana's eyes were glittering. She hated me. She was longing for the moment when I should go over the edge of the Rock ... down to oblivion ... out of her life forever.

We rode for a short way, then we left the horses and took the walk to the top of the ridge. The grass grew sparsely up here and our footsteps crunched on the brown earth.

Then, suddenly silhouetted against the sky, right at the top of the ridge at that spot where I should have to stand to take my leap, stood a figure. It did not move. It remained stationary, facing us as we came along.

I thought, I am having hallucinations. Is this what happens when one approaches death? Then I heard the cry break from me: "Freya!"

The figure did not move. It just stood there. It was unreal. It had grown out of my fevered imagination. Freya was dead. I was imagining I saw her there.

I turned to Tatiana. She was staring ahead, her face white, her body shivering with fear.

Then suddenly the apparition, if apparition it was, started to move towards us.

Tatiana started to cry out: "No ... no ... You're dead."

Then she started to run and I saw her struggling in the arms of the Big One.

Freya was saying: "Anne ... Anne ... She was going to have you thrown over. Anne, what's the matter? Do you think I'm a ghost?"

Then she put her arms round me and held me to her. Shuddering sobs were shaking my body. I felt unable to speak, unable to control my feelings, unable to think of anything but that she was here ... in some form ... and that she had saved my life.

"Now, Anne," she said, "calm yourself. I'm not a ghost. I was only playing at being one. If you'll stop shaking I'll tell you what all this means."

She gave a shout and several horsemen came out from behind a ridge of boulders where they had remained hidden, and among them was Gunther.