Филиппа Карр: Will You Love Me in September

She shuddered and shut her eyes tightly. "He was cursing me ... and laughing at me ... and tearing at my clothes and then suddenly I felt his grip loosen. I had my hand over his mouth; shutting off those horrible lips ... I could not bear the sight of them. And then ... he wasn't holding me anymore. His face had gone blue and he was breathing in a noisy way. I was able to push him away from me ... and he rolled off the bed and lay very still on the floor.

His breathing had stopped and his eyes were wide open ... staring. For a moment I couldn't understand what had happened. Then I knew ... He was dead.”

"You came back home. That was all there was to do.”

"But him ... Clarissa. I left him there. I found this cloak. Perhaps it is his.

I had to have something to cover myself with. I took it without thinking. I ran out of the house. I saw a chairman going by and he brought me here. I had just enough money to pay him, which was still in my girdle reticule. Oh, Clarissa, what will happen?”

"Nothing. You have done nothing wrong. It was his own fault. You are not responsible for his death. But are you sure he is dead? He might have fallen into a faint-or something like that.”

"He was not breathing. I was sure of it. Clarissa, I was so frightened. I just ran....”

I soothed her. "Let me get you out of these things. I'll take you to your bed. I'll get something for you to drink, something that will soothe you. Nanny Curlew will know what is best.”

She clung to me. "I could only think of you," she said. "How to get to you-how to be safe.”

I was deeply moved. It was as though she were part of myself. I wanted it to be like that always, throughout our lives. I believed that only death could come between us.

I spent a sleepless night. I lay with Sabrina until Nanny Curlew's potion had had its effect and she fell into a peaceful sleep.

When Lance came in late he was flushed with success because he had had a winning night. I was still sitting up. It was no use going to bed, for I knew I should not sleep. I kept wondering what the outcome of this would be. If Sir Ralph was indeed dead there would be an enquiry, and Sabrina's name would be mentioned as the woman who was with him when he died. There might well be malicious gossip. There were always those ready to damn reputations.

This was where Sabrina's pity had led her.

Lance was amazed to find me sitting up. I quickly told him what had happened.

"The swine!" he cried. "By god, if he really is dead, that's no loss to the world." "But what of Sabrina?”

He was thoughtful. Lance was a man who understood every facet of the social scene, and I could see that he was thinking exactly as I was. There would be many to say that Sabrina had gone willingly to the house; some might say she had been Sir Ralph's mistress and that her proposed marriage with Reggie was to make an easier situation for them. Sabrina would be notorious.

Lance and I talked for a long time, and finally Lance said he knew how to handle the matter, and this should be fairly easy as long as no one knew that Sabrina had been the woman who was present when Sir Ralph died. As so many women had been connected with him-many of them courtesans who would have visited him for a night-there might be no involved enquiry into the identity of his companion. That was providing it could be proved that he had died of heart failure which was clearly brought on by intense excitement.

I said, "There was a letter from him to her asking her to call.”

"We must destroy it," said Lance.

"I'll get it at once." I knew she had left it lying on her dressing table, for I had seen it there-without noticing it very much when I had helped her to bed. I went quietly to her room. She was sleeping deeply. I picked up the letter and took it back to Lance.

He held it in the flame of a candle. We were both silent as the blue flame curled upward.

"Now," said Lance, "if no one saw her, there is no evidence that she was there. No one would suspect a girl who was to marry his own son.”

"Would they not?" I asked. "Those who knew him might think he had found the idea of making love to his daughter-in-law rather piquant.”

"It won't occur to them ... unless the housekeeper who took her in recognized her.”

"Wait a minute!" I cried. "What of the coachmen? He sent his coach for her. They would have seen her.”

Lance looked abashed. "I'll see the coachmen," he said at Pwi length. "I'll make it worth their while to forget they called here and took her back.”

"Lance ... is that wise?”

"It's necessary," he added.

"Oh, Lance, I'm so glad you are here to help.”

He looked at me tenderly. "That's my mission in life-to serve you," he said.

I was so grateful to him. He had always been so good and kind; in real trouble he was always there beside me.

Sabrina woke much calmer next day. She had always been logical, and she saw at once that she was in no way to blame for what had happened. Lance and I told her that the best way out of the trouble was to keep quiet. The only people we had to fear were the housekeeper and the coachmen.

Had the housekeeper seen her clearly, could she say?

"I hardly think so. It was dark and the house was not well lighted. She quickly took me up to Sir Ralph's bedroom. We were only a minute or so in each other's company.”

"We'll risk the housekeeper," said Lance.

Sir Basil Blaydon called that morning. He was clearly shaken. Lance was at home when he called for which I was grateful.

He burst out at once, "Have you heard the news? Ralph is dead. He died last night.

They say there was some woman with him. It was apoplexy, they think. I always told him that if he continued at the pace he was going it would happen one day.”

"By gad!" cried Lance. "What an end! Who was with him at the time?”

"There seems to be some doubt about that. The housekeeper says she let a woman in but she didn't see her very clearly. She didn't hear her name. She just knew that he was expecting someone and she took her up.”

Sir Basil was clearly upset. He had walked in Sir Ralph's shadow for so long, he could not imagine life without him.

As soon as he had gone Lance went out. When he came back he was smiling.

"I've seen the coachmen," he said. "I've made it worth their while to forget they called at this house to pick up a young woman. They will say they picked her up from some other point. At the top of Dover Street, I suggested. Anywhere to stop attention directed to this house. There's nothing to fear now. They will not think of looking for his companion here." How thankful I was for Lance!

The entire circle of our acquaintances were talking about Sir Ralph's sudden death.

There were a few smirks of complacency, for many had said he would meet his death in that way. A man could not go on indefinitely practicing the excesses he did without one day succumbing to exhaustion.

The great curiosity was to find the woman.

Then came the blow. I had not missed the seed-pearl stole and had forgotten that I had lent it to Sabrina on that night. Of course she had been wearing it when she left the house, and she had come back without it.

It was found in the chamber of death. It was unusual, even unique, and many people knew to whom it belonged.

That was how the scandal started.

The identity of the woman was discovered, and who else could it be but the owner of the seed-pearl stole-Clarissa Clavering?

Lance was appalled. Sabrina was horrified. She said she would confess at once. Lance stopped that.

It was a tricky situation. Suppose someone discovered that Sir Ralph had not died by accident! We must keep very quiet. In the meantime Lance endeavored to find another stole like the one he had bought before. There was not another like it to be found.