Филиппа Карр: Will You Love Me in September

"My dear," said Lance, "Lowell is one of the most reckless gamblers I ever knew.”

"Even more so than yourself?" I asked.

Lance smiled with his imperturbable good humor. "I am cautious in comparison. No, we have to include Lowell. He would come in any case. I have known him appear uninvited now and then.”

"Well, I don't like him in the house-or that man who comes with him.”

"Oh, Blaydon just walks in his shadow. Just ignore the two of them since you don't like them.”

And whenever I mentioned my abhorrence of these two men Lance always turned my objections aside with a light remark, which was so much more effective than a protest would have been.

So we continued to endure Sir Rake.

I was a little dismayed when his son, Reginald, became friendly with Sabrina. Reggie, as he was known, was a poor creature, as different from his father as it was possible to be. He was a tall, gangling youth, with pale eyes and skin, and he was clearly cowed by his father, who seemed to despise him. He limped slightly because of a fall when he was a baby.

His mother had died as the result of a miscarriage when she was trying to produce another of the sons Sir Rake desperately wanted. So the only son he had was Reggie.

It was perhaps typical of Sabrina that she should be interested in Reggie. Sabrina wanted to look after people-manage their affairs, care for them-and to do this she must find someone in need of care.

Poor Reggie, slightly crippled, cowed by his father and dismissed as of little importance by most people, fitted the role perfectly.

I am sure that at first it was pity with Sabrina. Other young women had little desire for his company; she would show them all that she, the most sought-after among them, was willing to pay some attention to poor Reggie.

She would seek him out. At first the poor young man was bewildered, and then he would look for her, and if she did not appear he would be wretched; when she did come his eyes would light up with such adoration that I began to be alarmed.

They would chat together, and she even persuaded him to dance with her. He did this clumsily because of his disability, but she always looked as though she was enjoying the dance, and I heard her tell him once that there was no one she would rather be with.

I talked to Lance about it. He shrugged his shoulders. It was unwise, he said, to interfere in the affairs of the young.

"Could she marry him?" I persisted.

"If they agreed to it, of course.”

"I mean, would it be wise? Reggie is dependent on his father ... and as for Sabrina's going into that household ... it makes me shudder to think of it.”

Lance's thoughts were elsewhere. He said lightly, "These matters work themselves out.”

It was at times like this that I felt irritated with him and disappointed. Dickon, I felt sure, would have understood my fears. At least he would have given his attention to them.

I decided to speak to Sabrina.

"Do you think it wise to give so much of your attention to Reggie Lowell?" I asked.

"I like Reggie," she answered. "And I think he likes me." "I'm sure of it," I said. "That's the trouble. He likes you too much. I think he's in love with you.”

She nodded, smiling gently.

"But, Sabrina," I went on, "I know you feel sorry for him, but is it right to lead him on to think-”

"To think what?”

"Well, that you might marry him.”

"Why shouldn't he think it?”

"But you wouldn't.”

"Why not?”

"Oh, Sabrina, do you really mean you're in love with him?”

She hesitated, and I went on triumphantly, "There, you see. You're sorry for him.

I know that. I know you well. But that is not enough.”

"Enough? He needs someone to look after him, to show him that he would be all right if he would forget about not being so.”

"Dear Sabrina, what you are doing is giving him the wrong impression.”

"I am not," she said firmly.

"Do you mean to say you would marry him?" ) "I might.”

"Sabrina! There are so many ... you could have almost anybody.”

"I don't want anybody. I want to help Reggie.”

I was disturbed, and then I began to think that perhaps she was right. Reggie needed her, and Sabrina was the kind of girl who needed to be needed. It may have gone back to that incident on the ice and her father's dislike for her. I had thought when she had saved my life we had wiped that out forever, but perhaps some dramatic incidents made such an effect on the mind that they are indelible.

I saw that Lance was right. Matters must take their course.

And how was I to know what a dramatic and tragic course this would take?

Sabrina came to me in the garden where I was gathering roses. It was a lovely summer's day. I could hear the voices of Zipporah and Jean-Louis in the paddock. They were riding there, as they often did, and Jean-Louis was teaching her to jump the hedge which separated the paddock from the home field.

I snipped my roses contentedly, picking the best blooms and thinking what a beautiful afternoon it was. I heard the buzzing of the bees that were marauding the lavender growing in profusion round the pond, where now and then I saw the flash of the goldfish which Zipporah called her own because she liked to feed them. The smell of the lavender was sweet, there were white butterflies on the purple buddleia, and it was an afternoon for contentment-so I thought.

Sabrina was standing beside me. She looked cool in a green linen gown and a big shady hat-cool, beautiful and sure of herself.

"Clarissa, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

I turned to look at her. There was a smile on her face and her lovely eyes were looking past me as though into the future.

My heart sank. I was afraid of what she was going to tell me.

"Yes," she said, "you've guessed. I'm going to marry Reggie.”

"Sabrina!”

"You don't approve, I know. Dear Clarissa, I promise you that it will be all right.”

"Do you ... love him?”

Again that momentary hesitation. "But of course," she said at length, almost irritably.

She looked so beautiful standing there-and so young that I felt she had not yet come to womanhood. When she did she would be a vibrant, passionate woman. There must be some man who would awaken her-but it was not Reggie. I knew that she would marry him for pity, and that was no good reason for a woman like Sabrina to plan for her future happiness.

"Have you thought of this very seriously?”

"Of course," she said, again with that touch of irritability which suggested to me that she was far from sure.

"Perhaps if you waited a little ...”

"Waited? Who wants to wait? I shall soon be twenty years of age. Most people are married when they are as old as that. Oh, Clarissa, I want to make up for all that he has suffered. He has been through so much with that dreadful father of his.”

"He will be your father-in-law-think of that.”

"One does not marry for the sake of a father-in-law.”

"No, but you would doubtless come into contact with him often.”

"We should not. I should see to that. I will take Reggie far away. We would visit rarely ... just for convention's sake. His father has not been very good for him.

In fact, it is his father who has made him what he is ... timid, uncertain ... a little afraid of life.”

"Do you really want to marry a man like that?”

"I want to marry Reggie. I can help him.”

"Sabrina, you should be a wife, not a ... reformer.”

"You are being a little difficult, darling. It is not like you. You have always understood and helped me. Oh, don't you see what parents can do to their children? When they are young they feel things so deeply.”

I could see the past in her eyes. I remembered vividly that time when Jeremy had come to her and let her know that he hated her for what she had done to her mother.