Филиппа Карр - The pool of St Branok

My mother smiled thinking, I was sure, how like Amaryllis it was to take the result of her husband's youthful indiscretion to her heart.

He did enjoy his stay with you, but he was so upset about Angelet's accident and illness. I gathered he was the one who was with her when it happened and that he brought her home. He seemed really unhappy about it, and he hated talking of it. It seemed to upset him.

Although he enjoyed being with you, I don't think he wants to go into estate management. Peter thinks it would be too quiet a life for him. What do you think? He's gone back to Australia. He has a project. You may not have heard of all the excitement there has been about the discovery of gold in Australia. Well, Benedict has gone back to find gold. He expects to come back a rich man.

Peter didn't really want him to go. After all, he has only just found him, but he did not want to stand in his way. He said it was just the sort of thing he would have wanted to do himself when he was young. Peter thinks the chance of making a fortune from the Australian goldfields is a remote possibility—as all the good stuff must have been found long ago, but he thinks it will be good for the boy to have a try. He said he would regret it all his life if he didn't go. He would imagine he had lost opportunities. So he has gone out there and we now await the return of the golden millionaire.

I suppose he is almost there by now. Benedict does not let the grass grow under his feet. Peter says he reminds him of himself when he was young— which is rather nice.

Well, don't forget. We should be delighted to see Angelet and you in London to stay for a while. I am sure it would do her good.

With much love, Amaryllis

So Ben had gone away to a new country. I supposed that was the best way of forgetting. I felt a tinge of resentment, as though the burden of our secret had been left to me to bear. That was foolish. He had to make his fortune. He would come back.

And then I shall see him again, I thought. In the meantime I must keep our secret.

We did not go to London that year. I know my mother was very worried about me. I had changed so completely. The impulsive, rather garrulous girl had become a quiet, secretive one. It must have seemed strange that my illness should have changed my character. Sometimes I was on the verge of confessing for if they only knew what had happened to me they would understand.

But I was resilient and ebullient by nature and I gradually found myself forgetting my secret for long periods at a time. Then I would have a dream or something would remind me and memories would come back to me and I would revert once more to the quiet withdrawn girl.

I knew they were puzzled and was deeply touched by their concern for me.

Mrs. Penlock tut-tutted at the sight of me. "A beanpole, that's what you are, Miss Angel. You want to get a bit of flesh on them bones of yours. I could make you a beautiful taddage pie. That 'ud put some life into you, that would."

I used to enjoy her taddage pies, made with young suckling pigs; but I had no desire for them now. She was always trying as she would say "to tempt me," as though food was the cure for all ailments.

They were all very kind to me and when they saw my spirits lifted were so obviously pleased that I felt I must cast off my melancholy to please them.

In any case I was coming to terms with it.

We were getting very friendly with the Pencarrons who owned the tin mine close to the moor. They were a very old Cornish family and had originally come from somewhere near Land's End. They had owned a mine there which had been worked out and that was why they had come to our neighborhood. They had acquired the mine which was now known as Pencarron Mine, and their house was Pencarron Manor. Since they had arrived some ten years before, they had become part of the community.

Morwenna was a quiet girl, rather serious; she suited my mood at that time; she did not ask questions and although she was a year older than I she would follow me. She was very good-natured and hardly ever ruffled her governess. Miss Derry was friendly with Miss Prentiss and they took pleasure in comparing their pupils. I was sure I suffered in the comparison.

Morwenna was a great help to me at that time. She was so undemanding. We used to ride together round the paddock. My mother did not want me to go out without her or my father, or at least a groom; that made me restive, but I was too listless to protest at that time.

One day my mother and I rode over to the Pencarrons' to have lunch with the family—a fairly frequent occurrence. We were passing through the town as my mother wished to call on one of the old ladies in East Poldorey to take her some wools for her tapestry which my mother would have to buy when it was finished. We had quite a stack of this kind of work in one of the store rooms. My mother felt in duty bound to buy the wools and silks and then the finished product.

As we rode through the town young John Gort came running up to us. His grandfather, Jack Gort, had been one of the leading fishermen of his day and he was still to be seen on the quay supervising the family as to the best way of conducting the business they had inherited from him.

Young John looked rather anxious.

"What is it?" asked my mother.

"I've just been wondering, me lady," he stammered, "about that there boat by the old boathouse."

"Oh?" said my mother. "Why?"

"Well, 'tas been there for years and 'as no one wanted it like ... I thought as how ... if no one wanted it like ... I thought as how ..."

"You want it?" said my mother.

"Well, seeing as 'ow it ain't used like."

"You take it, John."

"Oh, thank 'ee, me lady."

He darted off.

"Do you know that old boat he was talking about?" asked my mother.

"I think I've seen an old one there at some time."

"Well, he might as well make use of it then."

And we rode on to Pencarron.

Grace Gilmore was often in my company. She was always pleased to do something for me. She would kneel at my feet, pins between her lips, turning up a hem, or make me stand on a chair to assure herself that she had got the length absolutely right; and I always had the impression that she was particularly interested in me—as indeed I was in her.

I was beginning to feel better. I was quite enjoying Mrs. Penlock's mug-gety and lamby pies. My hair was growing. It was down to my shoulders, long enough to tie back with a ribbon. I no longer looked like a wraith. I was laughing more frequently and indulging in those daydreams in which I had played the central and heroic part. I was returning to normal.

I had not been to the pool since it happened and it was beginning to seem like a bad dream. Benedict had gone right out of my life. I was hurt about his going. I remembered vividly how he had said to me so vehemently, "I love you, Angel," and I had replied that I loved him, too. And now he was on the other side of the world and perhaps I should never see him again. I should have thought he was running away from our terrible secret, but I could not believe that Benedict would ever run away from anything. No, he had gone to find gold ... like the men in the story of the old Scat Bal. But I was left where it had all happened.

They were less careful of me now. I used to go off on my own. I even rode Glory again. She seemed glad to have me back. Horses are very intelligent and I wondered whether she knew she had been disgraced and wrongly accused.

"It had to be, Glory," I whispered to her. "It was all part of the secret." She seemed as though she understood. After all, she had seen it happen.

I must not think of it.

It was gone. It was past. It wasn't the same as killing an ordinary man. I kept telling myself that he had been going to die in any case ... far more horribly. It had just happened more quickly and easily than it would in the hands of the law. How often had I gone over and over that point.