Филиппа Карр: The pool of St Branok

"Well, look at Justin ... card-sharper, blackmailer, adventurer ... and now good business man, the perfect husband and father. What a transformation!"

"I really believe that Justin has changed."

"So do I. He was lucky. I wonder what would have happened to him if he hadn't found Morwenna and his accommodating father-in-law. Justin is one of the lucky ones."

"And he's turned his good fortune to advantage."

"Nobody is entirely virtuous, you know. Not you ... nor Ben ... nor any of us ... and some are worse than others ... Mervyn, for instance, who had that terrible affliction ... if affliction it was. Justin the adventurer ... and I suppose you would call me an adventuress. Even Gervaise was a gambler and died owing money, didn't he? People have to be accepted for what they are. We should not judge them too harshly."

"Once again, Grace, why are you telling me all this?"

"I am pleading for myself."

"Why do you have to plead with me?"

"Because I have lied and cheated. I came to your family under false pretenses. I have watched Justin and I have been to the Mission. I have been down to see that child Fanny and I feel that whatever one has done in the past, one could find a certain salvation in a place like that. Do you believe that?"

"Are you serious, Grace?"

She took my arm again. "I am deadly serious," she said. "I am going to work in the Mission. When I have set the accounts to rights I am going to do active work. I have talked to Frances and Peterkin. They are willing to have me there. I think I can forget my bitterness, my ambition, everything ... there. I think I have learned that there is more contentment to be found in trying to comfort others than in seeking it for oneself."

I looked at her suspiciously.

"I have been wicked," she said. "When I thought Mervyn had deserted me, I said to myself, I will never love anyone again. I will work for myself. I will take all I can get. I might have loved Jonnie if he hadn't died. He was very good to me. He made me independent but not content. I wanted power. And there was Ben. I did a terrible thing, Angelet."

She put her hand in her pocket and drew out a letter.

She said: "I held this back. I wanted Lizzie to stand between you and Ben. The letter was there by her bedside that morning. I read it ... and I held it back. I am giving it to you now. I think it will make all the difference to you ... and Ben."

I unfolded the sheet of paper and read:

My dearest Ben,

I hope you will understand and forgive me for what I am going to do. There is nothing for me but pain. I knew it ... some months ago. It gets worse. I saw it with my mother. The pain is unendurable. It is exactly what happened to her and there is no stopping it. I have kept it from you all. Laudanum helps. It was good at first but it is no longer enough. I nursed my mother and this is exactly the same as what killed her. But the pain while I am waiting for death is too much. If I could have helped her out I would have.

I want to thank you for making me happy. I have always known that I was not suitable for you. You needed someone who could help you in your life. I was never good at that, but you were always so kind and never said how I disappointed you. I want you to know that I love you very much. I wish I could stay. But I know I could not hide my illness much longer and that would distress you ... and everybody. I know I could not bear to suffer as my mother did. So this seems the best way. I wished there had been an easier way for my mother.

Don't grieve for me. Try to forget me and be happy.

Lizzie There were tears in my eyes and I saw that there were in Grace's also.

"She was a very good woman," said Grace. "An example to us all. Forgive me for withholding it. It was wicked of me. But you have it now. You have the truth. Ben must know. It is his letter. You must both forgive me, Angelet. Can you?"

I nodded. I was too moved to speak.

Grace and I returned to London that day. I went straight to Ben. I said: "I have something to show you, Ben. Grace gave it to me."

He took the letter and read it.

It was as though a burden of guilt dropped from him. He turned to me and took my hands.

There was hope in his eyes; and I shared it.