Kelly Jamieson - Lost and Found

“What, Mom?”

“I’m afraid you’ve been very hurt by all this,” Lizbeth said, almost in a whisper. “Your husband cheated on you…that’s enough to destroy any woman. But…did Derek cheat on you because of…Nate?”

Krissa breathed in. And out. Once again, it all came back to what she’d done. “No. He’d been cheating on me for a long time.”

“Oh.”

Krissa rubbed her mouth. “I don’t want to bad-mouth Derek to you. I know you like him. I loved him, too. I think he feels awful about what he’s done.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Derek wanted a baby?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that! Every time I see you, you tell me not to have children!”

Lizbeth looked down. “I want the best for you, Krissa. I want you to have whatever it is you want.” She looked up. “I thought you wanted a career. And it was taking you long enough to get going.”

“Mom!”

“I’m just saying. Jumping from job to job. How would you expect to get promoted and rise up through a company when you only stay there for a year? Your father worked his whole life at the bank.”

“It doesn’t work that way anymore,” Krissa murmured. “Nobody works their whole life for one company.”

“Apparently. Anyway—I saw you doing that, and I was afraid…I thought having a baby would just interfere with your career even more. We were happy you started your own business, thinking maybe you’d finally found what you wanted to do.”

“I think I have.”

“But having a baby…just when you’re trying to start a business…”

For once, Krissa thought she understood where her mother was coming from. “I want both,” she said, meeting her mom’s eyes. “That’s what I want.”

“Then you should have both,” her mom said, sounding a little choked. “And we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”

“Thank you.”

They both looked into their mugs and sniffled.

“I’m sorry I gave you the impression I’m not happy with my life,” her mother said. She touched a finger to the outside corner of one eye and blinked. “Because the truth is, I love my life. I’ve been so very lucky to have your father and you girls. You were my life. Still are, even though you’re all grown and gone. It’s true, sometimes I think about what could have been…the career I could have had.”

“You still could have had it, Mom.”

“Yes.” She smiled faintly. “You are absolutely right. If I’d truly wanted it that much I would have had it. The truth is…” She swallowed. “I was afraid of trying. Afraid I didn’t have what it took to make it in the business world. Afraid I wouldn’t be the success I’d envisioned for myself.”

“And then you saw me…not being a success.”

They looked at each other. Krissa knew that’s what her mother had been thinking, even though she wasn’t agreeing with her. “I’m sorry, Krissa,” Lizbeth murmured. “I’m so sorry.” She turned the mug in her hands.

Silence settled between them.

“You know that saying? About the grass always being greener?” Lizbeth asked.

“I know.” Krissa shook her head. “Everyone wants what they don’t have. Sometimes I wonder if I really wanted a baby that much, or I just wanted it because I couldn’t have it.”

“You can be a little stubborn like that.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I understand, Krissa. Because I’m like that too. I thought I wanted a career. I saw women I’d gone to school with moving into senior positions…I wanted what they had. But I truly loved you and your sisters, and wanted to be the best mother I could be.” Her mom’s gaze softened. “You wanted a baby that much? That you would…”

“It’s complicated.” She looked down at her mug of tea.

“You seem so sad, Krissa. I know you want this baby…are you sure there’s no hope for you and Derek? If you love him…”

“I…I’m so confused about my feelings right now. I think Derek and I need to be apart. I need to figure out how I feel, and who I am. I’m just learning things about myself…”

“Maybe someday…”

“I don’t think so.” Krissa smiled at her mom. “I don’t want to give you false hope. I’m confused about things, but our marriage is over. I just need time. Time to be on my own, figure things out.”

“What about Nate?”

Krissa squirmed under her mother’s inquiring glance. “Same thing goes,” she murmured. “I need to figure out how I feel. But I will tell him about the baby. He has to know.”

“All right.” Her mother nodded. “So. You’ll need things for the baby.”

Nate stared at the Indian Ocean through the fronds of a palm tree. The setting sun painted the sky mauve and apricot, the wispy clouds darker shades of lavender and peach. Turquoise water washed gently onto white sand. He framed the view into a shot in his mind’s eye.

He’d shot over a thousand images since he’d arrived in Indonesia, and he knew many of them were incredible. Different than anything he’d shot before. He’d been looking for scenes to express the conflict inside him and had created powerfully moving images of strength and weakness, light and dark, yearning and loss.

His cell phone buzzed at his hip and he slid it out of the holder and flipped it open. His brother Rich. Huh.

“Hey.”

“Hey, buddy. How’s it going?”

“Not bad.” Nate picked up his beer, the cold glass dripping with condensation in the warm, humid air. “What’s up?”

They’d spoken often since Nate had shown up back in L.A. four months ago. After leaving Krissa and Derek’s place, Nate had driven himself to a motel in Ventura where he’d spent a miserable couple of days, almost out of his mind with everything that had happened. Then he’d managed to get his shit together and drive home to see his parents. He’d spent a few weeks there, told them most of what had happened—his relationship with Krissa too confusing and emotionally raw to talk about—and had reconnected with his brothers.

He’d been shocked to find himself confiding in Rich what had occurred with Derek and Krissa. It had been a relief to share it with someone, to acknowledge the fucked-up mess he’d made of things and the painful feelings inside him. Then he’d hit the road again, back to business, but this time with frequent calls and a couple of quick trips home to his family.

“I ran into someone the other day and had an interesting conversation,” Rich told him.

“Yeah?” Nate leaned back into the thick cushion of the rattan chair on the terrace of his hotel.

“Yeah. A guy from Santa Barbara who knows Derek.”

Nate’s gut clenched. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Anyway, he told me Derek and Krissa split up.”

Nate slowly sat up straight. “Split up?”

“Yeah. They’re done. He didn’t know details, not that I wanted to ask much, but…I thought you might want to know that.”

Nate rubbed his face. “Uh…yeah. Wow.”

“I’ll let you go. When are you coming home next?”

“I…don’t know.” He couldn’t think, couldn’t remember his plans. “I’ll call you.”

“Sure thing. Let me know if you need anything.”

Silence. Nate studied the bright floral print of the cushions on the chairs.

“Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Great. Thanks, Rich.”

He snapped his phone shut and dropped it onto the rattan and glass table with a clatter. He pressed the cold, wet glass of beer to his forehead. They’d split up? What the hell? What had happened?

Nate had had a lot of time to think about things over the last few months. He’d learned a lot about himself. The enormous guilt he’d carried about falling in love with another man’s wife—his best friend’s wife—had not been made any lighter by the revelation that Derek had already betrayed Nate with his wife. Two wrongs did not make a right.