Kelly Jamieson - Lost and Found

A frown tugged his brows together. His breath left him all at once and his head went empty. He took a stiff step toward her. “Krissa?”

Her eyes were huge in her small face. Her teeth nibbled her bottom lip, her fingers toyed with the robe. His eyes went again to her stomach and he moved closer, put out a hand. Hell. Could she be…?

He didn’t know what to make of it. Didn’t know what to think. Couldn’t process it all. He laid his hand on her belly, rounded and hard under the soft robe. He lifted his eyes to hers with a question.

“Yes.”

At her whispered word, he looked down again, put both hands on her waist, or rather where her waist used to be. “Oh God.”

Was this his baby?

He’d only just found out she and Derek had split up. He tried to piece it all together. She’d left Derek when she was pregnant? Had they found another donor? But if he was the father, why hadn’t they told him?

Mind reeling with a million questions, he swallowed hard.

“Krissa?” God, she was going to think he’d lost the ability to speak. And, apparently, he had.

“Yes,” she said again, as if reading his mind. “It’s our baby, Nate.”

His knees went weak, and without fighting it, he sank to the floor. Kneeling before her, he pressed his face to her belly, wrapped his arms around her. His chest so tight he could hardly breath, heart pounding, he fought back the tears that stung his eyes. Jesus. He felt her hands in his hair, gentle, tentative fingers stroking through it. All he could do was hold her like that, breathe in the scent of her…warm peaches and damp skin.

“In a few minutes,” he choked out, voice muffed in her robe, “we’re going to have a really big fight. I’m just telling you that so you’re ready. So you won’t run away.”

She snorted out a little laugh, fingers tightening on his head. Then she pushed him away. “Fine,” she said. “You wanna fight? You wanna go? Come on.”

He caught her sparkling, laughing gaze and everything inside him softened and warmed. He let out a long breath.

He climbed to his feet, took her hands in his. “Are you okay?” He searched her eyes. “The baby…everything’s okay?

She nodded. “Everything’s fine.”

“Good.” He focused on breathing, chest still tight.

“So what are you doing here?” She repeated the question she’d asked when he’d been standing in the hall.

“Ah…looking for you.” He shook his head. “Jesus. What a dumb question.”

“So I’m dumb?” She gave him a look, that look he loved, chin down, looking at him up though her eyelashes. Emotion swelled in him almost unbearably. He swallowed.

He smiled slowly. “No. I didn’t say that. Can we sit down?”

“Yes, please. I’d like to sit before I fall down.”

“Oh, bunny. Come on, sit.” He led to her to the couch, tenderness overriding his anger and confusion.

“I got a call from my brother Rich a week ago. He said he ran into a guy he knows, who knows Derek, who told him you two had split up.”

She nodded.

“When did that happen, Krissa? Why?”

“It happened the day you left.”

He felt like someone had just punched him in the gut. “Huh?”

“The day you left…Derek went out and met up with his ‘girlfriend’,” she made air quotes with her fingers. “Or whoever she is. He’d cheated on me with her before, apparently. Some agent who works for him. I was out and I saw them together. I waited up for him and asked him who she was.”

“Oh Christ.” He stared at her, reached for her hands, closed her small fingers in his. “I’m sorry, Krissa.”

“He told me everything, Nate. He told me about him and Lauren.”

“Oh.” He closed his eyes. “Fuck.”

“Yeah. I can’t believe they did that.”

“Neither could I.”

“You must have been devastated.”

He opened his eyes and met hers. “I already knew she’d been screwing around. Finding out who it was with was just…well, yeah, I was pissed.”

“Me, too.”

“So…when you found out, you left him?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“Call you where? I didn’t know where you went. I didn’t even know your cell phone number. And I thought you wanted to leave, wanted to get away from us. I wasn’t going to beg you to come back.”

“But…the baby.” He almost growled. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me about that?”

“Is this when we have the fight?”

He stared at her, then burst out laughing. “Damn right. I’m pissed about that.”

“You’re laughing.”

“Christ, you make me laugh.” He shook his head, tugged her closer. “But I am mad about that, Krissa. You should have told me.”

“I found out I was pregnant over six weeks later. I kind of forgot about keeping track of things, with staying with Cam and then finding my own place. I knew I had to let you know. I was planning to track you down after Christmas.”

“So you were going to tell me?”

“Yes, of course. You have to know.” She touched her fingertips to his cheek. “I just didn’t want to make any demands on you. The whole idea was that you would just…”

“Donate my sperm.”

“Yes.”

He pressed his lips together.

“And that stays the same,” she assured him. “I don’t expect anything from you.”

A hot knife stabbed into his heart. When he’d agreed to donate his sperm he’d thought he could do it. He’d thought it would mean nothing to him, that it wouldn’t really be his child. Even when he and Krissa had had sex trying to conceive, he’d kept telling himself that. He’d been kidding himself, though. Even if he hadn’t wanted to admit it at the time…now, faced with Krissa, pregnant with his child, the reality was much different.

“Shit,” he muttered and fell back against the couch.

“What’s wrong? You’re sorry you did this, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not sorry. It was a crazy, fucked up plan that ended up going way wrong, but…God, Krissa.” He rubbed his face, not sure what to say, how much to tell her.

“You still haven’t really told me why you came.”

She watched him quietly, waiting.

“I…did tell you. I just heard you and Derek split up.”

“Yeah. But why did you come?”

She was pushing him. Amazing. “I’m not sure, actually. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I guess.”

“That’s it?”

He stared at her, shaking inside. “No, that’s not it. I had to see you Krissa. Christ, I’ve missed you.”

“Oh.” The word was a breath. “I missed you too.”

Their gazes connected and held for a long, stretched out moment. “I had to see you, Krissa. I was worried about you, and I missed you and…”

She waited.

“I wanted to tell you.”

A frown tugged her brows down.

“About Derek and Lauren. When I found out that night. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know what he’d done, that he was a goddamn dirtbag. I wanted you to hate him. I wanted you to leave him.”

She stared at him, wide-eyed, and blinked.

“But I couldn’t.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I couldn’t do it. You were married to him. You loved the guy.” The words stuck in his tight throat. “So I left. If I’d told you that, I would have been destroying your marriage.”

“You wouldn’t have destroyed my marriage. Derek did that.”

They looked into each other’s eyes, a look full of tortured emotion and questions. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just couldn’t do it. I thought you loved him. But I…”

She waited. He swallowed hard. “I loved you too.”

“Oh.” Her eyes grew glossy. “Oh, Nate.” Her mouth trembled and she put a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes. It was okay if she didn’t love him back.