Terry Pratchett - Carpe Jugulum

‘And you know what?’ Magrat went on. ‘It’s just like those magicians in Howondaland who keep their heart hidden in a jar somewhere, for safety, so they can’t be killed. There’s something about it in a book at the cottage.’

‘Wouldn’t have to be a big jar,’ said Agnes.

‘That wasn’t fair,’ said Magrat. She paused. ‘Well … not fair for most of the time. Often, anyway. Sometimes, at least. Can you help me with this bloody ruff?’

There was a gurgle from the cradle.

‘What name are you giving her?’ said Agnes.

‘You’ll have to wait,’ said Magrat.

It made some sort of sense, Agnes admitted, as she followed Magrat and the maids to the hall. In Lancre you named children at midnight so that they started a day with a new name. She didn’t know why it made sense. It just felt as though, once, someone had found that it worked. Lancrastians never threw away anything that worked. The trouble was, they seldom changed anything that worked, either.

She’d heard that this was depressing King Verence, who was teaching himself kinging out of books. His plans for better irrigation and agriculture were warmly applauded by the people of Lancre, who then did nothing about them. Nor did they take any notice of his scheme for sanitation, i.e., that there should be some, since the Lancrastian idea of posh sanitation was a non-slippery path to the privy and a mailorder catalogue with really soft pages. They’d agreed to the idea of a Royal Society for the Betterment of Mankind, but since this largely consisted of as much time as Shawn Ogg had to spare on Thursday afternoons Mankind was safe from too much Betterment for a while, although Shawn had invented draught excluders for some of the windier parts of the castle, for which the King had awarded him a small medal.

The people of Lancre wouldn’t dream of living in anything other than a monarchy. They’d done so for thousands of years and knew that it worked. But they’d also found that it didn’t do to pay too much attention to what the King wanted, because there was bound to be another king along in forty years or so and he’d be certain to want something different and so they’d have gone to all that trouble for nothing. In the meantime, his job as they saw it was to mostly stay in the palace, practise the waving, have enough sense to face the right way on coins and let them get on with the ploughing, sowing, growing and harvesting. It was, as they saw it, a social contract. They did what they always did, and he let them.

But sometimes, he kinged …

In Lancre Castle, King Verence looked at himself in the mirror and sighed.

‘Mrs Ogg,’ he said, adjusting his crown, ‘I have, as you know, a great respect for the witches of Lancre but this is, with respect, broadly a matter of general policy which, I respectfully submit, is a matter for the King.’ He adjusted the crown again, while Spriggins the butler brushed his robe. ‘We must be tolerant. Really, Mrs Ogg, I haven’t seen you in a state like this before—’

‘They go round setting fire to people!’ said Nanny, annoyed at all the respect.

‘ Used to , I believe,’ said Verence.

‘And it was witches they burned!’

Verence removed his crown and polished it with his sleeve in an infuriatingly reasonable manner.

‘I’ve always understood they set fire to practically everybody,’ he said, ‘but that was some time ago, wasn’t it?’

‘Our Jason heard ’em preaching once down in Ohulan and they was saying some very nasty things about witches,’ said Nanny.

‘Sadly, not everyone knows witches like we do,’ said Verence, with what Nanny in her overheated state thought was unnecessary diplomacy.

‘And our Wayne said they tries to turn folk against other religions,’ she went on. ‘Since they opened up that mission of theirs even the Offlerians have upped sticks and gone. I mean, it’s one thing saying you’ve got the best god, but sayin’ it’s the only real one is a bit of a cheek, in my opinion. I know where I can find at least two any day of the week. And they say everyone starts out bad and only gets good by believin’ in Om, which is frankly damn nonsense. I mean, look at your little girl— What’s her name going to be, now …?’

‘Everyone will know in twenty minutes, Nanny,’ said Verence smoothly.

‘Hah!’ Nanny’s tone made it clear that Radio Ogg disapproved of this news management. ‘Well, look … the worst she could put her little hand up to at her age is a few grubby nappies and keepin’ you awake at night. That’s hardly sinful , to my mind.’ {13} 13 St Augustine, in his Confessions , pointed to the attention-seeking behaviour of babies as evidence that even the most innocent are selfish, because of original sin.

‘But you’ve never objected to the Gloomy Brethren, Nanny. Or to the Wonderers. And the Balancing Monks come through here all the time.’

‘But none of them object to me ,’ said Nanny.

Verence turned. He was finding this disconcerting. He knew Nanny Ogg very well, but mainly as the person standing just behind Granny Weatherwax and smiling a lot. It was hard to deal with an angry Ogg.

‘I really think you’re taking this too much to heart, Mrs Ogg,’ he said.

‘Granny Weatherwax won’t like it!’ Nanny played the trump card. To her horror, it didn’t seem to have the desired effect.

‘Granny Weatherwax isn’t King, Mrs Ogg,’ said Verence. ‘And the world is changing. There is a new order. Once upon a time trolls were monsters that ate people but now, thanks to the endeavours of men, and of course trolls, of goodwill and peaceful intent, we get along very well and I hope we understand each other. This is no longer a time when little kingdoms need only worry about little concerns. We’re part of a big world. We have to play that part. For example, what about the Muntab question?’

Nanny Ogg asked the Muntab question. ‘Where the hell’s Muntab?’ she said.

‘Several thousand miles away, Mrs Ogg. But it has ambitions Hubwards, and if there’s war with Borogravia we will certainly have to adopt a position.’

‘This one several thousand miles away looks fine by me,’ said Nanny. ‘And I don’t see—’

‘I’m afraid you don’t,’ said Verence. ‘Nor should you have to. But affairs in distant countries can suddenly end up close to home. If Klatch sneezes, Ankh-Morpork catches a cold. {14} 14 ‘If “foo” sneezes, “bar” catches a cold’ has become a cliché in economics. “foo” and “bar” may be pretty much any combination of America, Japan, Europe and Asia. We have to pay attention. Are we always to be part of the Ankh-Morpork hegemony? Are we not in a unique position as we reach the end of the Century of the Fruitbat? The countries widdershins of the Ramtops are beginning to make themselves felt. The “werewolf economies”, as the Patrician in Ankh-Morpork calls them. {15} 15 The East Asian economies of South Korea, Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand and others that grew outstandingly fast throughout the 1980s and 90s are sometimes collectively called the ‘Tiger Economies’. New powers are emerging. Old countries are blinking in the sunlight of the dawning millennium. And of course we have to maintain friendships with all blocs. And so on. Despite a turbulent past, Omnia is a friendly country … or, at least,’ he admitted, ‘I’m sure they would be friendly if they knew about Lancre. Being unpleasant to the priests of its state religion will serve us no good purpose. I’m sure we will not regret it.’

‘Let’s hope we won’t,’ said Nanny. She gave Verence a withering look. ‘And I remember you when you were just a man in a funny hat.’