Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

The Manticore moaned. "My head hurts!"

I turned to Tolk. "Can you do something for him?"

"Sure-sure-sure!" the Canidian said. "Happy to try. Never had a Manticorean for a patient before, eh? Hold still."

"You are being very kind to a stranger, especially one who tried to kill you," the Manticorean said as Tolk leaped up on his back and climbed up to perch on his shoulder. Tolk laid his paws on the other's shaggy mane.

"Would you rather we killed you?" I asked.

Evad thought about it. "I might save face that way," he said. "I will go back now in disgrace. An officer in the Royal Manticorean Navy, getting lost in the wrong dimension like a first-year student! Ah, that is better. But, alas, I am sober now! Thank you, brown-and-white being."

"Tolk's the name," the Canidian said cheerfully, leaping down. "You're good as new."

"More likely I will die attached to this fierce plant!" the Manticore said dramatically.

"Not really," I said. "The sap runs when it gets warm. All we have to do is heat it, and you'll slide right off. No problem, apart from the thorns."

"I will bear the pain," Evad said bravely. "I do it for the honor of our Queen."

"Hey, Gleep." I put out a hand, and my pet ran to me. "Can you warm the sap just a little bit? Not enough to set it on fire."

"Gleep!" my dragon replied happily. He dashed to the side of the tree and exhaled. A flame tickled out from his throat, and the brown goo began to bubble. The Manticore writhed and tried to pull his feet up out of reach.

"What are you doing, O wizard?" Evad wailed. "Would you burn me at the stake?"

"Gleep?" my pet turned large, puzzled blue eyes up toward the Manticore.

Jinetta put up a timid hand. "May we try? That is one spell we use frequently, to heat bathwater in our dorms. It would be nice to put it to use in a real-world setting."

"Go right ahead." I took the time to ponder Evad's pride problem.

The Pervects gathered around the tree and concentrated. The gluey resin changed from opaque to translucent and began to swell slightly. I had an idea even before the Manticore slid to the ground with a bang.

"Too bad," Melvine said. "A Manticore head would have looked pretty impressive over my mantlepiece."

"You are a fierce opponent, Klahd," the Manticore said as the rest of the goo dripped off him in sheets.

"Thanks, but I'm not a Klahd. I'm a Cupy."

The Manticore made a courtly bow. "I am corrected. I am afraid you all look alike to me."

"Well, you better remember in the future," Melvine said, his baby face fierce. "We're tougher than we look."

"Stop threatening him, Melvine," I said. "Hitting a fellow when he's down is small-minded."

"That's not what my aunt does," Melvine interrupted me. "She—"

"And Markie put your education in my hands," I interrupted back, as the Pervects moved in, ears pricked with curiosity. "Does that tell you anything?"

"Er, do what she says, not what she does?" Melvine ventured.

"Let's start there." I turned to the Manticore.

"What can I do, O Skeeve," Evad asked miserably. "I am an honorable male, but on an ensign's pay I don't have the funds to make up for the trouble I caused, nor do I have the time to work off the amount. I have no valuables except my insigne."

"Well," Bee suggested, "you wouldn't be the first ensign to have to hock his uniform to pay his way out of trouble. It happened a fair amount in the Possiltum army. You can redeem it later."

"I couldn't," Evad said, horrified. "It belongs to the Queen!"

"I have an idea," I said. "That venom of yours: does it kill or wound?"

"It depends upon what I mean it to do," Evad said, his big face puzzled. "Most of the time it will only make the flesh swell up and become painful. Those people I struck will recover, unless I pierced them in a vital area. I will apologize to them. I am ashamed to have used brute force on civilians."

"No, that's not what I mean," I said. "I'm more interested in the venom itself. So, you can produce it in different strengths, or are they different fluids?"

The Manticore looked as though he was getting another headache. "I do not know, O Skeeve. I have never really thought about it. Why?"

"I'm doing comprehensive magikal studies," I explained. "Could you, er, give me a sample of each kind? I would like to study them. I'd like to do some experiments to see if there is any difference, and if either is good for other magikal purposes. I'd pay you for them. A fair price."

Evad looked suspicious.

"I could do that," he said. "But such a small amount will not discharge my debt to the people of that village."

"Oh, I think it will," I said airily. "Here's my offer: I'd be willing to pay you the going rate for Manticore venom on Klah."

"There is no Manticore venom on Klah, so far as I know," Bee said. "I would have heard about a weapon like that when I was in the army."

"That would make it pretty valuable, wouldn't it?" I asked innocently. Evad perked up as he began to catch my drift.

"O Skeeve, if you would do that, I would be your servant for life!"

"Let's not go that far," I said hastily. "What about the deal?"

"Yes! I agree! Shall we drink on it?" Evad asked congenially. "Where is my bottle?"

"Maybe we should just shake hands," I suggested.

We hiked back into Humulus, Evad walking among us with his shaggy head bowed to show contrition.

"I don't get it," Melvine kept saying. "I mean, that thing is as big as a house, and you make friends with it? You had it where you wanted it, and you let it go? What if he suddenly goes crazy on us?" He glanced over his shoulder at the huge Manticore shuffling along in our wake.

"I think," Jinetta said tentatively, "that it is very impressive that Skeeve turned an enemy into an ally."

"Yeah, by paying him off!"

"No, by meeting mutual needs!" Tolk said, his pink tongue flapping happily as he ran beside us on all fours. "Wow, that's so cool! Skeeve, you're brilliant!"

"How did you think of doing that?" Pologne asked.

"It's something we did a lot when I was with M.Y.T.H., Inc.," I explained. "A win-win deal leaves everyone happy."

"Why bother with a win-win? You had a savage killer at your mercy. He was helpless! You could have gotten much more out of him than you did."

"Look," I explained. "I don't need more than a couple of vials' worth of venom right now. If I do, I know where to find him. I don't want a slave. He needs the money. Everyone gets what they want, right?"

"Not exactly," Freezia said, looking ahead. I peered into the distance.

Neither my sight nor my hearing was as keen as the Pervects', but within a few steps I could make out the citizens of Humulus huddled together just inside their village gate. They were chanting.

"Kill the monster! Kill the monster! Kill the monster!"

We hiked closer, and I could see the villagers' faces change from anger to astonishment, and slide right over into fear. They hoisted their weapons still further, and their voices became more shrill.

"Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters!"

"Master Skeeve," Bee said, "I think we forgot one little thing."

"We did," I groaned. "No one remembered to put their disguise spells back on, did they?"

A quick glance around revealed the awful truth.

"No, sir," Bee confirmed.

"Nor I," said Jinetta.

"Or us," the other two Pervects chimed in.

"How about we run away, right now?" Melvine asked as the villagers began to move towards us.

"Bowmen!" Flink's voice rose above the others. "Prepare to fire!"

"No!" Bunny shrieked. She thrust aside a couple of big men and sent them staggering. Her disguise had dropped, revealing the beauty beneath the hag. Two larger men jumped in and grabbed her arms. It cost a dozen or more of them bites, gouges and bruises to subdue Buttercup, but they captured him, too. "Skeeve! Run for it!"