Robert Asprin: Myth-Gotten Gains

"Surprise," a voice breathed. "Is that a hand-and-a-half in that scabbard, or are you just glad to see me?"

A pair of lips planted themselves firmly on mine. When I could breathe again, I gasped out, "Tananda."

My old associate and even older friend backed away and smiled at me. "In the flesh, tiger."

"This is she," Ersatz said, "down to garments she was wearing when she sailed down the cord in Ella's study."

"How nice of you to notice," Tananda purred.

I let my eyes wander up and down Tananda's body. You can't say that female denizens of Trollia don't know the meaning of the word 'modesty,' but you might decide after having met a few that they have no use for it. Her attire was not only suitable for slipping in and out of small window casements, but for displaying those charms for which Trollops were so justly famous. Her tunic dove low at the top and reached high at the bottom, leaving just enough cloth in place over delectable flesh so as not to leave a trail of stunned males behind her as she walked down the street. Her skin was green, as were her tumbled locks of hair. It all made a very nice package.

"Fancy meeting you here," I said. "Have a seat, babe."

"I thought that was you I saw in the fortune-teller's," Tananda said. The lithe oozing movement that settled her into the chair opposite mine caused a dozen males in the bar to let out a breathy sigh. I gave them a glare, and they hastily went back to their drinks. "There aren't a lot of Pervects on Ori, and none I've seen with your dress sense. What are you doing here?"

"Trying to help a friend," I said. "What about you?"

"Oh," Tananda said, running her finger through a few drops of liquor on the tabletop, "I've got a little job."

"Lifting the crystal ball from a psychic isn't exactly your usual high-level handiwork," I said.

"Visiting one isn't usually on your calendar, either," Tanda countered, with a sweet smile. "Let's stop talking as if we don't know one another. That wasn't an ordinary crystal ball. I have information that says it's part of the Golden Hoard, along with a sword that looks a lot like the one you carried in here. So, let's talk."

I could tell by the look in the one eye visible over the torn scabbard that Ersatz was going to put his two cents in, so I flung up a hand to forestall him. "Let's not start spreading any rumors we can't squelch."

"Fine. I'll show me mine if you show me yours." Tananda grinned lazily at me.

"Promises, promises," I said, grinning back. "Excuse me while I whip this out." I slid the blade about a foot out of the sheath so both of the reflected eyes were visible. "Tanda, this is Ersatz, just like in the legend. Ersatz, this is Tananda."

"My pleasure, my lady," the sword said.

"Mine, too," Tananda replied, giving a little wave of her fingers. "So, what's going on?"

"We need that crystal ball back that you lifted. My friend here has business with it."

"You can't have it," another female voice said, in a strange accent. "It belongs to me, now."

I looked up. A lithe figure was suddenly standing next to Tanda. Where the Trollop was curvy, this girl was aerobics-instructor wiry. Where Tanda's hair fell enticingly all over her shoulders, the newcomer had her sleek black hair plastered down against her head and bullied into a shining knot at the nape of her neck. The rest of her face was a sharp, narrow beak, over which a pair of large, dark eyes regarded me. She looked a lot like a stork, or maybe an ostrich. She was wearing a tight tunic, abbreviated to show her navel, if one had been visible through the covering of feathers on her midsection, and loose trousers that cut off just below her knees.

"Who are you?" I growled. Instead of replying, the girl lifted her prominent proboscis proudly.

"Aahz, this is Calypsa," Tananda said. "My new partner. This place has a translation spell operating for demons."

"I heard what you said," Calypsa continued, her big, dark eyes gleaming. "That is Ersatz, the Great Sword."

"In the steel," I said.

"What do you want for it?"

"Not for sale, babe. He's an independent contractor. In fact, we're working together at the moment."

"But I must have it!" Her eyes flashed again. They were pretty nice eyes.

"No can do. The sword owes me money. We're together until he pays me off. You got a hundred gold pieces?" The girl's eyes fell. "I didn't think so."

The gaze lifted and battened onto mine. "You must understand. I must bring together the greatest treasures of the ages. I need them all!"

A little alarm bell went off in my mind. I met Ersatz's eyes, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. The rumor was true. Someone was collecting the Hoard. So, I asked the only practical question.

"Why?"

With the same kind of silken glide Tananda had used, Calypsa poured herself into the remaining chair. The movement looked totally different performed by the two women. Tananda seemed to be careless and sexy, but she had set herself up so she was on guard, ready to spring into action if there was trouble. Calypsa was focused, the energy of her motion aimed directly at me. If she'd been a missile I'd have been spattered all over the bar.

"It is my grandfather," she began. "The greatest dancer in any dimension, the great Calypso."

"What's he need with a sword and a crystal ball?" I asked. "I don't think there's a pair of shoes in the Golden Hoard."

"Once such footgear tried to join us," Ersatz began, "but we chivvied them hence. They were not so much of utility in the courtly art as they were mundane covering for the nether extremities, which the gold did not become…"

"Shut up," I interrupted, without taking my eyes off Calypsa. "Your grandfather did what?"

The proud head drooped. "I come from Walt. It is a peaceful dimension — or I should say, was."

"Yeah, Tootsie, I've been there. Peaceful to the point of boring!"

"Maybe before," Calypsa said. "That was before the evil Barrik arrived!"

"When was that?"

"Ten years ago. I live in a town called Pavan, at the curve of a major river just north of our largest port. At first we made no note of the castle being built on the hillside that overlooked the river. All of our lords like to have large domiciles so that they can host parties and dances. All Walts love to dance. It is in our blood. It is the source of our magik. In fact, a major rhythm was named for our dimension. Have you ever heard of Walts' Time?"

"In passing," I said. "Get on with it."

"We thought nothing of it when the castle grew to encompass the entire mountain top. It was made all of shiny black granite, which we considered an odd color choice, but we were more curious that we never saw anyone working on the building. We believed the stones must be shifted at night by giant elves, or something. It was a puzzle. I myself sneaked up there often as a child, but always when I arrived, the elves had left the building."

I groaned. She gave me a puzzled look, and explained. "There was no one there. Yet the walls grew daily. At last, it was finished. We of Pavan waited to be introduced to our new neighbors, and hold a welcome dance in celebration. Weeks went by. They never emerged. No one answered our knocks at the great wooden doors. We left invitations on the step to our own humble village dances. No replies. We began to think that our neighbor was antisocial. But how antisocial we had no idea! Henchmen like huge, evil birds began to emerge from the castle. They swept down upon our humble homes and captured the finest dancers in the city. Sometimes we would find them again, wandering lost and dazed in the fields, their feet bloody. Barrik had commanded them to dance until they dropped! Their choreography had been inexorably altered. They were never able again to make the magik they had before, such as the Dance of Sowing, so the crops would be healthy, or the Dance of Precipitation to bring the rain. We were all fearful of being swooped down upon and carried off."