Robert Asprin: Myth-Gotten Gains

Still babbling, she swept around and led us toward the door from which she had emerged. I followed in her wake, rolling my eyes.

The house might have been a mansion, but the room she led us to could have been any gimcrack psychic's tent anywhere in the cosmos. The room was lit with candles in sconces. The wicks all smoked like sportscasters. The air was thick and tasted of cheap paraffin. All the furniture was covered with loud-colored silk throws, three or four to an item, so that a customer had to plant his feet firmly on the floor to keep from sliding off. There was lots of it. I had to watch my step in the dimness to avoid bumping into little tables filled with useless knickknacks that would have made any Victorian auntie beam with pride of ownership, like a clock shaped like a tarantula that told time with two of the arms, and a bronze ceramic vase so ugly I was surprised it hadn't scared the petals off the flowers in it. Amid the tables were four or five bureaus and a dozen upholstered chairs with stiffly upright backs. The portraits on the walls were of the Angry Ancestors school of art. I got glared at by assorted curmudgeonly Orions of both genders in various weird costumes, informing me that Ella wasn't the first one in her family to lack dress sense. I glared back.

All the kitschy decor faded into a dim setting as my eye was caught by a blaze of pure golden light. In the center of the room, on a little round table with a purple, star-spangled cloth, was a sphere. It was so perfectly shaped it reminded me of a soap bubble. It glowed like a movie sunrise. My feet started moving toward it under their own power. I hauled back, reminding my body to whom it belonged, but I kept my eyes on the gleaming orb.

"Kelsa!" Ersatz said.

"Ersatz!" the globe squealed. As I got closer I could see a face in the sphere, that of a female Orion wearing a turban adorned with a big gold aigrette and a backward-curving ostrich plume and jeweled spectacles whose corners angled upward. Her whiskers pricked out with delight. "The portents have come to pass. The energies have aligned themselves in the order I foretold as of old. I knew you were coming."

"Indeed she did," Ella said, gliding over and settling down on the ottoman beside the table. She gestured me to a small chair opposite her. "Why we have been talking about it for some time. I am pleased that you are here. Why, your exploits have absolutely thrilled me to the core of my soul!"

I preened. "Thanks, Ella. I don't talk about myself much, but it's nice to be appreciated."

"And, you, too, of course, Mr. Aahz," Ella added, with an apologetic inclination of her head. "Your past has been a most interesting tale. We didn't know until a very short time ago that you were the one who was going to convey the Great Sword Ersatz here to this place!"

I scowled. The face in the globe turned to face me, and became that of a female Pervect.

"Your fate has been foretold many times," Kelsa said, "and it changes as frequently as the weather. I believe that the Elements who govern chance send you to tumble like the dice they throw, yet you constantly turn up with a winning number. Oft and oft your future has altered. A benevolent power must be in your stars. How confusing it must be to constantly turn this way and that!"

"I take care of myself," I said curtly.

"I'm going to miss her so much," Ella said, stroking the crystal fondly with her paw. "We've had such marvelous times together! We've gotten to be good friends over these last few years, haven't we, dear?" She leaned fondly toward the globe, and the face within it became an Orion again. "And we've had our fun."

"Oh, we certainly have," Kelsa exclaimed. "Do you recall when the governor of Perrt came to ask — was it the first time, or the second time? No! It was the third visit after the great festival of Wheeleaf five years ago. Or was it six? About the three women he was keeping behind his wife's back?"

Ella tittered. "And one of them had sent a spy along in his entourage. How foolish of him to think he could come incognito to US. Why, you saw through her at once."

"Ah, yes," Kelsa said. "And he was having an affair with her, too. Silly girl. She didn't know whom she was going to betray first. Well, she DID, since she was there to betray the governor first, but then she was going to turn her coat on the mistress, but she wasn't sure in what order she was going to do the betraying!"

I began to see what Ersatz meant by Kelsa's inability to get to the point. Ella was a perfect match for her.

"Never mind that," I said, waving a hand to get their attention. "The sword here came for some advice. He wants to know the location the Endless Purse of Money. Give it to him so I can get out of here and get back to my vacation."

"Oh, your vacation!" Kelsa said, turning the Pervect face to me. She beamed, showing rows of razor-sharp teeth. "Why, you won't have to worry about your vacation. Not at all."

"Good," I said. "Okay, Ersatz, say your piece and let's get out of here."

"Fair Kelsa," Ersatz began, "I have suffered idleness for the last many months. I wish to return to battle in the hands of warriors, but I have also heard a disturbing rumor concerning the fate of our fellow Hoard members. Is it true?"

"But, which rumor, dear?" Kelsa asked, switching her attention to him. Her face changed from scales to steel, but the glasses were still in place on her now razor-sharp nose. "Did you hear the one about the Cup? He was said to have been offered as a prize in a school games day competition. That one is true. He was won by an eight-year-old Klahd for the twenty yard dash! Second place! He sits on a shelf between a collection of toy soldiers and a box of stale Milk-Duds. He's livid! What a comedown for the goblet that held the Wine of Peace between the Comdails and the Lenoils of Perosol!"

"Not that," Ersatz said.

"Or — here's one that made me laugh — I'm supposed to have been secretly transformed into a bowling ball in the Imper League Championships!" Kelsa let out a trill of laughter. "Picture me rolling down a lane toward a group of clueless pins to score a mere ten points."

"I can, no problem," I growled.

"About the rest of us, Kelsa," Ersatz urged. "I heard that the others are being stolen one by one, by a collector! "

"Oh, that" Kelsa said. "That's not nearly so amusing as the one I picked up the other day from the ether. You just wouldn't believe it! I hear that the ring is living in…"

"That's the only one I want to hear about, Kelsa," Ersatz interrupted her.

"But it's so dreary!"

"Reveal it!"

The globe sighed, seeming to deflate slightly. The face inside stilled, and the eyelids dropped halfway over the round blue eyes. The turban on her head got fancier, and the stone in the aigrette started to glow bright gold. The eyes started to change size, one growing huge while the other shrank, then shrinking as the other bulged.

"The treasures of the ages shall reunite again," Kelsa intoned in a spooky voice that made the skin on my back crawl. "The seven golden ones shall be gathered again by a green hand. When allies stand at odds, fortune shall favor the one who casts them to the winds of chance. An enemy pursues closely, eager to foil happiness! The eternal dance must be set again in motion, led by a duo from two worlds. Ah! Lives may be lost! Fates will change! Disaster will fall upon the heads of the masses! Dentek up two, Porcom down a half, Scongreb unchanged in heavy trading…"

"A green hand! That must be you, Mr. Aahz," Ella said, beaming at me. "You are meant to put the Hoard together!"

"All right, that's it," I said, disentangling myself from the slippery cloths and scrambling to my feet. "I've had it. All I promised to do was get Ersatz here together with his girlfriend so I could get my money back. Forget it. I'll call it a bad debt." My face felt hot. I needed to get out of there before I trashed the place out of sheer temper. Ten gold pieces lost! I smacked the scabbard down on the table and stalked toward the door.