Robert Asprin: Myth-Gotten Gains

Buirnie was downright glum.

"This place is a natural for me!" he wailed.

"Maybe you'll come back on your own," I said. "In the meantime, I don't want anything else to happen to these people. They've had enough trouble without needing an egomaniacal Fife hanging around."

"Oh, well, on to our next triumph," the Fife declared.

Asti was in a different tavern, mixing drinks. Her sapphire eyes turned to me as I came in.

"Sorry, boys, last orders," she said.

"Ay! You cannot leave us!" one of the males declared, touching her foot passionately. "What will we do without you? You are matchless at bartending."

The engraving on her side tilted upward in a wry smile. "Just drink a toast to me once in a while."

Chin-Hwag had never left my belt. We had not said a thing to one another since Barrik's defeat.

"How about the castle courtyard?" Tananda suggested, as we carried the Hoard up the hill. "It's still deserted, and there's no ceiling to fall down on us."

"Good idea," I said. "If it gets knocked down, who cares?"

"Have you said your farewells to your parents?" Ersatz said to Calypsa.

"I did," she said. She sighed. "We have done the Dance of Farewell."

"Why?" I asked. "Where's she going?"

The blue eyes slewed to me. "Calypsa has to finish her mission. She started the Dance of Death, and it must be completed. I will assist her. But that may not be the first task we undertake. As always, we will go where the winds of fate take us. She is my new wielder, as I am her teacher."

"And you are on board with this crazy idea?" I asked, turning to the girl.

"Oh, yes," Calypsa said. She eyed the Sword adoringly. "I knew that the task was perilous when I undertook it. I know that with Ersatz at my side I cannot fail."

"How can you argue with that?" Tananda asked.

We got to the castle. The moon shone down on the empty enclosure. Kelsa's glow provided the only light.

"What do you want us to do?" I asked.

"Arrange us in a cluster in the center," Ersatz said. "We need a good deal of room. This could be dangerous. This is the first time we have attempted such a dispersal since the first time it happened. It has never been done since."

"We do not know if it will be safe," Payge explained.

"But there were twenty of us, then," Bozebos said.

"Alas," Ersatz said. "I had not realized until now how few we had become. Perhaps the time HAS come to recruit some new members to the Hoard."

"Why not?" Buirnie asked. "I've heard of an artifact or two that might be worthy."

"As if YOU are a good judge of who belongs in the Hoard," Asti said.

"You are not even an original member," Chin-Hwag pointed out.

I felt the floor start to shift under my feet.

Tananda looked alarmed. "Save the argument until we're ready," she said.

"One thing we wish to say before we depart," Ersatz said. "We have not met your like before. Perhaps this M.Y.T.H., Inc. was as great a fellowship as you say. We depart to be at the side of heroes, but allow me to state that you are of that number as well. I for one am proud to have served with you."

I felt embarrassed. "Get outta here before I melt you down into spoons," I growled. Secretly, though, I was pleased.

"Now you must scatter us to the winds of fate, dear," Kelsa said.

"How?"

"Just move us close together. Then back away."

"Just one thing," I said, pausing. "You've fought in battles for thousands of years. You could have waltzed around me at any time with what you know about strategy. Why didn't you?"

Ersatz's eyes were amused. "Because our heroes must take a hand in their own fates," he said. "Otherwise we are their masters, and not their servants. Besides, you did a creditable job. Asti was never fair to you, but she was challenging you in her own way."

"Yeah, remind me to thank her for that some time."

"You're not so bad after all," Asti said, grudgingly. "For a Pervect."

Ersatz laughed. "You are my most worthy friend, and I am at your service at any time when you find yourself facing an epic challenge. We will help you." He looked fondly at Calypsa, who looked very modest.

"Yeah, well, thanks, but I can handle myself."

"I do believe that," the Sword said.

Calypsa left the middle of the circle one more time to embrace Tananda.

"I nearly forgot," she said. She handed Tanda a small purse. "It is not enough for all you have done for me, but it is what we agreed." The bag jingled modestly.

"Thanks, honey," Tananda said, hugging her back affectionately. "I'd almost forgotten."

"I didn't," Calypsa said, beaming. "And I never will. Goodbye."

She raced back into the midst of the Hoard. "Just out of curiosity…?" I began.

"Ten silver coins," Tananda whispered.

"You're kidding!"

"SHHH! Just wave goodbye to the nice artifacts," she said, firmly taking my wrist and flapping my hand at the Hoard.

Calypsa pulled the Hoard closer to her and Ersatz. Buirnie and his entourage huddled in tight, whistling and thumping to make room. Bozebos glittered like a disco ball in Kelsa's light. The girl pulled Asti and Chin-Hwag close to her, and she sat down on Payge. When the items were all touching one another, the gleam surrounded all of them. Calypsa's big dark eyes picked up the glow, and her feathers seemed to turn gold. She was one of them now.

I didn't need a tour guide or a nuclear scientist to tell me when the Hoard energy hit critical mass. The ground heaved up and down, throwing us both backwards. Tananda grabbed my hand and put up as much of a protective magik shield as she could. I threw one arm over her and the other over my head.

BOOM!

When the blast came, it was practically a nuclear explosion. I hung on as the floor bucked and shimmied. It took a long time to calm down. When I could hear again, the only noise was musical clinking. Hard little objects rained down on me. I opened my eyes to see us and the floor covered by a heap of shiny yellow coins.

"What the…?" I said, brushing gold out of my ears.

"I think," Tananda said with a grin, "that this is the Hoard's parting gift for you. You earned it."

I hesitated for about a microsecond then began shoveling the money into my poke.

"Darned right I did. Where'd Calypsa go?"

"Wherever Ersatz was needed, I guess," Tananda said. "She's riding on his ticket, now. She's going to be a legendary swordswoman. We did a lot more than help her save her grandfather. All the things she went through, like learning all the languages in the universe, make her an extraordinary person, not that she wasn't one to start with. It takes something special for a girl from a backwater dimension to break out of the mold like that. Keep your eyes open for coming epics."

"We seem to specialize in that," I agreed. "She had some great stuff in her, that girl."

"Is that a tear, Aahz?" Tananda cooed. "You, sentimental?"

I snorted.

"Nah, just a little dust. I like to see a legend get launched with a bang." I jingled my refilled purse. I felt better. The Hoard wasn't such a bunch of cranks after all. "I think I'll even go back to the party for a while." I stuck out an elbow. "May I have the next dance?"

Tananda curled herself around my arm. "Right with you, hero."