Ben Bedard - The World Without Flags

“Maybe this whole trip is for nothing,” I say. “Maybe there’s nothing anyone can do. It’s all chance. Either Eric makes it through or he doesn’t. Maybe it’s best if we just find a shack somewhere and wait.” I put my hand on my head and sigh. “I’m so tired,” I say, looking up at the darkening sky through the trees.

There’s a long silence. Pest moves closer to me, and I’m surprised to feel his arm around my shoulders. I’m even more surprised that I don’t recoil. Usually I don’t like to be touched, but I feel myself relax. More than that, I feel strangely safe this near to Pest. I find myself leaning into him and laying my head on his shoulder. It feels good and right. And Pest doesn’t ruin it by talking. We just sit there, listening to the fire crackle and snap.

“What’s your real name?” I ask him in a soft voice. I don’t usually talk like this, low and gentle and, I don’t know, vulnerable and delicate, but that’s how Pest makes me feel, I guess.

“You already know if you saw my school ID,” he answers with a little chuckle.

“Corey?”

“Corey,” he states. We both smile and chuckle a little. The name fits strange on him, like clothes that are too large. “You can keep calling me Pest, if you want.”

“I will,” I laugh. I sigh and then put my arm around him. “You can call me Birdie, if you want.” My voice is so small, I hardly recognize it.

“I will,” he answers me. His voice sounds just as small.

We stay that way for a long time without talking, but eventually hunger forces us to part. When I stand up and walk away from him, I feel my heart stretch, as if it was reluctant to leave and stayed with him.

That night I have a hard time sleeping. Every time I close my eyes, I think about Pest and the feel of his arm around me. How safe I felt. And how, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so alone. When I can’t sleep, I just lie awake, listening to Pest breathing in the night.

The next morning I feel stupid. This isn’t the time for romance.

I berate myself for silliness while I get wood for the fire. I think maybe Pest is thinking the same thing because we don’t talk much. We focus on our jobs. We don’t even look each other in the eye. There’s work to do. We have to find the Good Prince, even if she can’t help us. We have to take that risk. It could be Eric’s only chance. Later, while I feed Eric some hot water and the last of the oatmeal, I feel ashamed of myself. I should be concentrating on Eric. He needs me now. I don’t have time for boys. Especially not Pest.

The both of us kind of avoid each other during breakfast and getting ready for another day’s walking. I take care of Eric and he takes care of Queen. The only exception is when I insist on checking his wound.

“Just sit down,” I order him when he tries to argue he feels fine. He listens to me, although he doesn’t look happy about it. I sit down next to him and start unwrapping his bandage. Pest winces and jerks in pain. “Sorry,” I say to him more gently. I try to focus a little and stop being so brusque. The wound is red and angry, but it doesn’t stink and there’s no sign that it’s getting worse. I tell him so. “I’m going to wash it anyway,” I finish. He opens his mouth to argue, but I give him the look that says he shouldn’t bother. He hardly makes a sound as I wash the wound. He just stares off into the forest over my shoulder. “There,” I say when I’m done and the bandage is back in place.

“Thanks,” he tells me. When I look up at him, just for a second, I can’t help but touch his shoulder. Just for a moment. Lightly. The feeling takes away my breath. I swallow and turn away, surprised by the strength of it. Not now, I say. There’s no time for this!

I feel Pest clutch my hand before I can move away, and I turn back.

“Birdie,” he begins.

“Please,” I say. “Please, not now. I have to think about Eric.”

“I know,” he says. “I just want to say.” He takes a deep breath.

“What?”

“You know, just in case, something, you know, happens.” He sounds so awkward, so unlike himself. It makes me feel like holding him. Instead I’m standing in front of him, waiting. He clears his throat. “Just that,” he says. He swallows. “It’s just that I’ve never met anyone like you, and I don’t know, I don’t know.”

I squeeze his hand. “Hey,” I tell him. “We don’t have to do this now.”

Pest shakes his head. “I do, I do,” he says. He shakes his head and I see that his eyes are filling with tears. “People come and go,” he continues. “In this world, people just come into your life and then they’re gone, you know?” He looks at me as if he needs my help.

“I know,” I say to him.

“I just want to say…” He trails off and takes a deep breath. “I’m just grateful I know you.”

I’m having a hard time keeping myself together. I squeeze his hand again. “Me too,” I say. It sounds stupid, but I can’t think of anything else to say. “But nothing’s going to happen,” I continue. “We’re going to find the Good Prince, and then we’re going to have all the time in the world to talk, okay?”

Pest nods. He stands up and takes a deep breath. I see one single trail of a tear on his cheek, and I’m aware suddenly at how bad the both of us are with this. How just the thought of making a connection seems brutally stupid and impossible in this world. How it nearly breaks us to take this chance. I understand the effort it must have been for him to say what he said and the effort it takes just for me to hear it without running for the hills. For the first time I see something about myself that I know I will have to change. We can’t live like this. I have to reach out to him. I never reached out to Eric either. I never said I loved him. I never told him how much he means to me. I’ve always thought of myself as brave, but I realize now that I’m just terrified, terrified of everyone that I care about, terrified that they’ll leave me alone, just like so many have left me before. What Pest just did was the real act of bravery, and I’m filled with admiration for him. I need him, I see that. He can help me learn to live in this world, learn to truly live. Not just to breathe and eat, but much more than that. I know then suddenly, stunningly, that I know a lot, but I don’t know the first thing about how to love someone.

The realization is so powerful that I want to tell Pest that I’m just awkward and new at this and that if he’ll just be patient, we can talk as much as he wants, but that right now, I have to focus on getting Eric some help. I want to say all this as best I can and hope he understands, but just then Queen’s ears prick up and she leaps to her feet and bounds into the forest.

“Someone’s coming,” Pest says and darts away after the dog. I follow as quick as I can, and when I come to edge of the forest, I see a familiar figure on horseback riding leisurely through the forest.

“Oh man,” Randy the Vandal says as I lead Eric to him. “You’ve looked better, buddy,” he tells Eric. I appreciate that he talks to him.

For once we’re having some good luck! When we saw it was Randy riding Tangerine, the both of us ran down the hill to greet him. We both trust him to do the right thing. Just to see Randy turn towards us in surprise and then laugh in recognition made my heart rise. We really need the help.

“We’re trying to get him to the Good Prince,” I explain. “Eric said that she knew how to help people with the Worm. She’s his only chance.”

Randy turns his head toward me. His brilliant green eyes twinkle like sunshine on a lake. “You’re in luck,” he says with a wink. “I’m headed her way right now.”