Jon Athan - Am I Beautiful?

He said, “It’s fine.”

Miki said, “Thank you. So, do you want something to eat? I have some chocolate in the refrigerator. I don’t have a lot of food right now, but, um…” Her eyes lit up. With a hint of enthusiasm, she said, “ Oh. I have eggs. Have you ever had omurice? It’s pretty much fried rice under an omelette or scrambled eggs. Do you want to try it?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? It wouldn’t take long.”

“I’m fine. Let’s just do what we came here to do. Let’s talk.”

The light in her eyes dimming, Miki said, “Okay, sure. Do you want to sit down?”

“I’ll stand.”

An awkward silence filled the room. They heard a faint thump from upstairs and a coughing car engine outside. A cat meowed on a balcony upstairs, too.

Miki said, “I’ll make tea.”

She filled an electric kettle with water and turned it on. She grabbed two mugs from her cupboard, but she put one back before closing it. She thought about offering Adam a cup, but she already knew the answer.

‘No.’

As she prepared her tea, Adam asked, “How did you find my hotel?”

“I told you already. I followed you.”

“I thought you weren’t going to lie anymore? You couldn’t have followed me after that… that ‘scene’ at that lounge. I barely left my room since then. How did you really find my hotel? And don’t feed me any bullshit, Miki. I know it wasn’t a coincidence. You didn’t walk into every hotel in Tokyo and ask about me until you found me. That’s just not possible.”

“Can we talk about that later?” Miki responded as she turned to face the kitchen counter. “I wanted to talk about something else first.”

Adam said, “I don’t care what you want to talk about. We need to clear this up first. You owe me an explanation. Now, I want you to tell me the truth. I can’t… I… I can’t be around you if you’re not honest, okay?”

“You’re not going to like the truth,” Miki said, her voice trembling.

A chill shot down Adam’s spine. Words had never scared him, he wasn’t a big fan of horror books, but he was now terrified of what Miki might say. Breathing deeply through his nose, he opened the bottle of whiskey and took a swig.

He gasped, then he said, “I’m listening.”

“Do you remember the night we met? We stayed at that love hotel. You said I was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen— again . You drank some more. We kissed. We had sex for—”

“ Stop it, ” Adam snapped. “I don’t need to hear those damn details. Just answer the fucking question.”

“I’m trying,” Miki whimpered. She sighed shakily, then she said, “You took a shower that night. I… I went through your pockets. I found your wallet and–and your passport. Then I searched you online. Facebook, Twitter… Instagram, LinkedIn… Yahoo, Google… I found everything. I even found your friend. Dallas. Dallas Reynolds. I could see where you were going, where you were staying… because you posted it online. That’s how I knew about your business meetings. That’s how I found your hotel. That’s the truth.”

Lightheaded, Adam took a step back. His mouth ajar, he was stunned into spewing random syllables, unable to complete a single word. The revelation shocked him. Miki had violated every aspect of his privacy. She had been stalking him in person and through the internet. She had taken a glimpse at some of his most important documents, including his passport and driver’s license. She knew his friends as well as his home and business addresses.

Dozens of questions rushed through his mind: Does she know my email addresses? My passwords? The answers to my security questions? Did she memorize my signature? Can she forge it? Will she forge it? Can she steal my bank information? Is my money safe? Did she write down my address? Could she come to my home? Would she really do something like that?

He glared at Miki as the worst question crept into his mind: Does she know about my marriage? He took another swig of his whiskey, then he wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

He asked, “Why are you doing this to me? Because I said you were beautiful? Because we… we fucked? Is that all?”

Miki couldn’t respond. She was crying, her tears plummeting to the sink. The water bubbled in the electric kettle, plumes of steam billowing out of the spout. A clicking sound came from the kettle as the water finished boiling. She poured the water into her mug. A few drops splashed on her hand and scalded her skin, but she didn’t react to the pain. She stood there and sniffled with her back to Adam.

After fifteen seconds of silence, she wiped her burned hand with a towel and said, “You don’t know what it’s like to be me… to live here. I’ve hooked up with guys before, but most of them were players. They just wanted sex, not love. The other Japanese guys, they’re not… assertive when it comes to dating. They’re more interested in their careers or their schoolwork than relationships, especially at my age. They’ve never been interested in me .” She turned around and put her hands on the counters. Squiggly trails of mascara ran down her cheeks. She sniffled and said, “But you were. You treated me like a… like a princess. I had the best time of my life with you. I will never forget that night. I will… always… love you.”

Adam squinched his face up and barked, “Oh, shut up! ” Miki winced, fresh tears gushing from her eyes. Adam thrust his finger at her and said, “You don’t know shit about love.”

“I felt… your love…. tha–that night. I felt it in your words.”

“You were hearing things.”

“Love. I was hearing your love.”

“There was no love in my voice!”

Miki crossed her arms over her chest and shrank into the corner of the room between the kitchen and the dining table.

She whined, “You said I was the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Adam said, “You’re so stupid, you know that? No, of course you don’t. You’re too stupid to understand how stupid you are.”

“Why are you talking to me like—”

“I said that to get into your pants,” Adam interrupted. “Do you know what that means? Do you?! It means I lied to you so I could fuck you. I don’t love you. I never loved you and I never will, you… you stupid cunt . Can’t you get that through your fucking head?”

A deafening silence swept through the room. The cat stopped meowing and the loud car had already left the area. It was as if the whole world had stopped moving to watch their argument.

Miki was stunned by Adam’s aggressive behavior and vulgar language. She felt threatened, unsafe and insecure. Yet, like many victims of domestic abuse, she blamed herself more than she blamed Adam for his outburst. You stalked him, you betrayed his trust, you made him angry, the little voice in her head said. Like a drug abuser addicted to a placebo, she was addicted to a love that didn’t exist.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But I’m not sorry that I love you so much. Adam, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Wha–What? Did–Didn’t you… Didn’t you hear what I…”

Adam began to babble, tongue twisted into knots by his overwhelming emotions. He understood her words, but he was baffled and awed by her thought process. He had insulted her, but she continued to profess her love for him. Her persistence and sincerity made it harder for him. He hated himself for berating such a sweet woman, but he couldn’t turn back.

Rosy-cheeked and teary - eyed, he took another massive swig of his whiskey. It burned his throat and stung his nostrils. He covered his mouth as he coughed, whiskey and saliva dripping on the hardwood floor.