Adam Rex: Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story

"Yeah, but we’ll have to stop it when — Aw, crap!" said Cat, looking at the clock on her nightstand. "It’s already started!"

"What has?" asked Sejal, drawing her legs up quickly as Cat thundered past.

" Vampire Hunters. It’s this rad show on the Crypt. Last week they totally almost caught this one vampire, but it turned out he was just German."

She clicked the TV on her dresser through a dozen channels, finally stopping at a commercial for paper towels.

"These are European vampires then, isn’t it?" asked Sejal. "Like Count Dracula? We have stories about vampires in India, but they are not the same."

"It’s American vampires, mostly. And they’re not really like Dracula. They’re more like the sort of people you’d meet at a gallery opening, you know?"

"Not really."

"Shh! It’s on!"INTRO MUSICINT. VAMPIRE HUNTERS STUDIOALAN FRIENDLYWhat really happened in San Diego, California, just a few short weeks ago? What dark predator stalked these idyllic shores?EXT. LOCATION SHOTS OF SAN DIEGO — STOCK FOOTAGE OF A WOMAN IN A BIKINI ON ROLLER SKATESALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)On August third, not every visitor to this harbor city came in search of fun in the sun. On such a summer’s day, one young man was California dreamin’…of blood.EXT. HOME OF PAUL KLEIN AND FAMILYALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Our hunt begins at the home of Paul Klein, straight-A student and artist. On this first Wednesday in August Paul hosted a few close friends for a quiet get-together. How could Paul and his friends know that their party would soon be crashed by darkness? Friends like Carrie Lawson.INT. KLEIN HOME — MEDIUM SHOT OF CARRIE LAWSON AND PAUL KLEINCARRIE LAWSONHe came right up to me, out of all the people there…and he starts talking in this real player voice, like this hypnotic voice — ALAN FRIENDLY (off camera)What did he look like?CARRIE LAWSONHe was tall? Like, average height?PAUL KLEINHe was short.CARRIE LAWSONLike kind of a tall kind of short. With dark hair and eyes. You could tell he was really rich, like he had a really big house.ALAN FRIENDLYDid he mention where to find this house?CARRIE LAWSONNo. But right away he tries to get me to go outside with him. He says he wants to show me his fangs, to share his eternal curse, right? My friend Trish was there, too, but he wasn’t into her at all.PAUL KLEINThat’s when a couple of the guys decide he has to leave. They say he was really strong, for a little guy. He wouldn’t leave without his friend.ALAN FRIENDLYThere were two vampires?PAUL KLEINWhat? I don’t know. He was there with a friend. The friend had locked himself in the half bath. We found him and they left together.FOOTAGE OF HALF BATH SHOT IN GRAINY HANDHELD VIDEOALAN FRIENDLYFolklore experts tell us that a vampire cannot enter a home without first being invited. Did you invite this dark stalker inside?PAUL KLEINNo. Well…he had a flyer.CLOSE-UP OF PARTY FLYER, TURNING SLOWLY COUNTERCLOCKWISE OVER CEMETERY STOCK IMAGE FROM EPISODE 1.7. MUSICAL STING #9 (FOREBODING HORN SECTION), TRANSITION TO DRIPPING BLOOD EFFECT #2 (BLOODY CURTAINS)ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Did a canary-yellow flyer promising two-dollar beer cups and vodka-soaked watermelon slices make an altogether more sinister promise to two thirsty children of the night? Is this all the invitation a vampire requires? Phoenix Community College Professor Charles Hargraves says yes.INT. PCC TEACHERS’ LOUNGEPROF. HARGRAVESThere is an account from nineteenth-century New Hampshire in which the citizens of a certain village were invited, via a broadside posted on a certain tree, to come view the wealthy ironmonger’s new water closet. This was the only invitation the infamous Manchester Vampire needed to enter the home, kill the ironmonger and his family, and steal twelve dollars.INT. VAMPIRE HUNTERS STUDIOALAN FRIENDLYWhen we come back — what dark business did these evil forces have at the San Diego Convention Center? And does the blood of baby pandas have the power to turn ordinary vampires into supervampires? Plus, we’ll give you a first look at the new weapons in the Vampire Hunters arsenal. Watch your backs, Army of Darkness — here come the Redeemers!OUTRO MUSIC, SCREAM SFX #6, FADE TO COMMERCIAL

Doug had the phone up to his ear before the first ring finished.

"Hello?"

Jay’s voice came through in a panic. "Are you watching—"

"Yeah."

"They’re talking about us! They’re hunting us!"

"They’re hunting me ."

"Well," said Jay, "they made it sound like I’m a vampire, too. Maybe if they find me they’ll just…stake first and ask questions later, right?"

"Did you hear that girl from the party talking?" asked Doug. "She sounded totally hot for me."

"And what was that about new weapons?" wondered Jay. "Redeemers? Sounds holy. Maybe it’s something with holy water."

"Maybe I could visit San Diego again…over a three-day weekend. Or over Thanksgiving break. ’Course, my parents would kind of notice I was gone…"

"Does holy water even really work on you? Do you have to be religious for it to work? We should know these things. I can’t believe we haven’t run…tests or something."

"I can’t believe these commercials last so long. Hey! Back to Vampire Hunters , all right? No one cares about term life insurance!"

"I’m going to do some more research online," said Jay. "We should test out everything everybody says about vampires, shouldn’t we? I mean, if those vampire hunters track you down, we need to know what’s real and what isn’t…"

"Shut up, it’s back on."

"Like, that getting-invited-into-houses thing they mentioned. Is that true? Like what if they were chasing you and you tried to hide in a building or house, but you couldn’t because you couldn’t get in—"

"Will you shut up already? TV!"ALAN FRIENDLY — was when we knew it was time to head back to our roving headquarters for a new tool against these two foot soldiers in the army of the undead.CLOSE-UP OF REDEEMER, ROTATING SLOWLY WITH VITAL STATS RUNNING COMPUTER-STYLE DOWN THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN LIKE IN THOSE CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION SHOWS. MUSICAL STING #24 (REDEEMER THEME)ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Vampires, say hello to the Redeemer. Ancient wisdom meets twenty-first-century know-how in a repeating stake launcher that can neutralize fifteen vampires per minute at thirty yards.EXT. BALBOA PARK, SAN DIEGOALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)I prepared my personal Redeemer, Ann Marie, and assembled the Vampire Hunters team outside the gates of the San Diego Zoo, where the trail suddenly went cold…cold as death.INT. OFFICE OF BILL WINCHELL, CHIEF OF ZOO SECURITYBILL WINCHELLWe don’t know how he got in…whoever got in that night. The gates, all the service entrances were secure. We might have missed it, if not for the call from a panda lover, watching our webcam.STILL IMAGE OF BLOODRED TELEPHONE AS RECORDING OF EMERGENCY CALL PLAYSZOO SECURITYHello, Zoo Security.CALLERHi, I was just watching the PandaCam?ZOO SECURITYThis is not the information line, ma’am. Zoo hours are — CALLERI know, but I was just watching, and in the panda room? There’s a guy.(SILENCE)ZOO SECURITYWhat?ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)Security officers rushed to the enclosure where panda Lee Ling and her baby, little Shuan Shuan, slept peacefully, unaware that a predator had invaded their happy den. We can now show you enhanced webcam footage of the next few chilling moments. Don’t take your eyes away for an instant.

Doug didn’t. Jay didn’t. The video played out silently on their television screens.

"I…turned into a bat," said Doug.

"Oh, wow."

"That’s what happened. I turned into a bat," Doug whispered as they aired the webcam footage a second time but slower. "Look, I left my clothes behind. There was a skylight in the ceiling. I must’ve flown up out of the skylight."