Trent Jamieson - Managing death

The air seems knocked out of her. She folds her hands neatly around her waist, and dips her head.

'Yes… Well, it's a fabulous view,' Aunt Neti sighs. I can see she's already growing listless with death. Soon the One Tree will have her and all that will remain will be a fading memory. 'You're right, of course, but it's too late for me now. There are some lessons that you take to the grave.'

Evening after a long and confusing day. HD is making me jittery. The Moot's looming and I'm home. I want to be with Lissa, but that's not who I've got. The kitchen buzzes with the energy of two RMs. I wonder what Dad would think. I wonder if he would be proud. I doubt it. Maybe, if I'd let Lissa in on my secret. It's been a long day.

I don't like having the meeting here, at home. But Suzanne insisted. Lissa isn't due back for another couple of hours. There is a stir expected at the Princess Alexandra Hospital.

'I never thought I'd see the day,' Suzanne said. 'But here we are, a Recognised Entity is dead. Killed not by one of us, nor by our enemy, but by that stupid, vengeance-craving man.'

'And with those knives. He can wreak bloody havoc with them,' I say. 'Maybe we should consider cancelling the Death Moot.'

'No,' Suzanne growls. 'The Death Moot goes ahead. To cancel it would set an alarming precedent. We're better off together, stronger. Unless, that is, if he manages to kill us all… Well, that thing that we contain, it won't be contained anymore.'

'Where would it go?'

Suzanne's smile is wide. 'Imagine your dreams, imagine that made reality. That shadowy, lurching Hungry Death; that relentless slaughter. De Selby, it's in us all, it's in everything living. But in us… us twelve, now… it's magnified, personified. Death is part of life, but without anyone to control it… all that power is not a legacy I want to leave for the world. Still -'

'Still, if it's going to happen, it's better to be dead than deal with it,' I say.

Suzanne shakes her head. 'If that sort of thing occurs then we've a major biblical sort of problem – actually, nastier than anything in the Bible. Death won't save you. Maybe I'm wrong, Steven, but it terrifies me, and it should terrify you, too.'

'I don't think I know enough to be terrified.'

Suzanne frowns. 'Ultimately that's what it's all about, our business. Managing Death, keeping the Hungry Death under control and following laws more conducive to life. Whenever we fail, whenever we let it slip out of control, bad things happen. That's just the way it works. Our governments may want to impose their own system of management on this, no matter that they don't have nearly the unified approach that we possess. We're older than any system of legislature or governance. If we fail at our business, they have no chance of filling the void.

'You may not trust the Orcus, but believe me when I say that there is a certain purity in what we do, in what we had to give up to become this. You just lost your innocence in a different way. It was torn from you. For the rest of us, we tore it from ourselves.

'We chose this path with our eyes open. We knew the cost of what we did, of those that we killed. I loved my family, I loved my friends, but I knew I could be a better RM than my predecessor. Did I ever tell you that he was my lover?

'I killed him to become this, because he was weak, because I could see battles far ahead that I knew he wouldn't be able to fight. He confided in me, bared his shortcomings, and the only way I could see to deal with his weakness was to take the job from him, and the only way that I could do that was via a Schism and the Negotiation. Do you know what it is like to not just lose the ones that you love, but to deliberately take them away? It eats you out like a cancer. But what choice did I have?

'Ask yourself what Morrigan might have seen coming, what fears drove his decisions. I dare say it was more complicated than just a lust for power. You know us, we're not all bad, we went into this knowingly and passionately and with a desire to change the world.' Suzanne lowers her gaze. 'You know history, the violence that made each of us Death. But don't you ever fool yourself into thinking you can understand us.'

'You're murderers, one and all,' I say.

Suzanne nods. 'Oh, yes, we are. And all of us suffer for it. This job is our punishment as much as it is our prize. This business and the Hungry Death inside us, it's horrible isn't it? I pity you, sometimes, Steven, that you don't even have the comfort of your passion to protect you. Oh, how that must hurt, and there is no one to share it with. This job isn't about giving up everything for your love, it's about giving up your love, for everything.'

'And where does that leave you?'

'I didn't say it was the right choice, but it was the choice we made. I'm not expecting sympathy, or even understanding. Just acceptance. This is what we have done. All of us suffer, that is the only thing that truly links humanity. We exist, and I truly believe this, to reduce the quantity of suffering in the world even if it means we must bleed ourselves.'

I couldn't look at her. Love and family, even in the face of suffering, are the most important things to me. The only things I had left to believe in. And maybe that is being selfish. I know it's selfish. How can I be an RM if I can't give them up?

She grips my hand. 'Oh, Steven. There's so much you still don't understand. I pity you. The lessons of your time are far crueller than anyone could expect.'

'Don't pity me,' I say, and I've never seen her look so amused.

She grabs my face, jerks my head towards hers, and kisses me hungrily. Her lips are as cold as mine, her heart as silent and stealthy as the one in my chest. For a moment I am intoxicated.

Yes, it would be easier. She would understand me in ways that Lissa can't hope to. We could have this forever.

But the thought lasts only for a moment. I pull away, wipe my mouth with my sleeve. Bloody hell, what was I thinking?

'No,' I say.

Then I hear the intake of breath. Recognise the new heartbeat in the room.

'What are you doing here?' Lissa's eyes are wide with hurt, but they're ready to ignite into anger. All it needs is someone as unsubtle – or cruel – as Suzanne to set it off. Or someone as stupid as me.

My cheeks are burning. It's not as if I did anything wrong… Other than lie to her. Just how did that happen again?

'I'm surprised he didn't tell you,' Suzanne says. 'I made him an offer he couldn't refuse, and well…' She looks at me slyly, 'He didn't refuse it.'

'You bitch!' Lissa snarls. 'You can't keep out of my family's business, can you?'

'Business is business, Lissa. Nothing more. What happened between your father and me… I understand why you might blame me. But -'

'I don't blame you.' Lissa's right hand clenches into a fist. 'Oh, hang on a minute, yes, I do.'

'That's enough.' I raise my hands in the air, step between the two of them. 'It's all just a -' And Lissa's fist connects with my jaw. She looks from me to Suzanne and back again. I'm not sure who she meant to hit. I don't think she is, either.

'You bastard,' she says – that's definitely aimed at me. 'You had to go and do this.'

And she's out of that room before I can open my mouth.

I rub my jaw, spin on Suzanne. 'You set me up! You arranged for her to come home!'

Suzanne's face hardens. 'You didn't see this coming?'

'No, I didn't.'

'Why the hell did you flirt with me?'

My face is burning. 'I never -'

'You did. The coat, the lingering looks.'

'I thought I was just playing your game.' And then rage explodes inside me. 'Piss off, now. GO!'

'I'll let you get away with that, but only because I feel a certain element of sympathy. Particularly with what lies ahead. But you will never talk to me like that again.' Suzanne shifts away.