Brian Hodge - Prototype

“Sometimes,” she said without turning, “sometimes I think every man should have a gay experience. Taking… taking the passive role. Just once, as long as he remembers it. Remembers what it’s like to have his body invaded.”

Sinking by the window then, down on her haunches and her head lowered into arms that were already pretzeled about her body; she turned halfway and tumbled back against the wall but barely made a noise, as if she weren’t really there. Posed for too many pictures, maybe, each one slicing away a few more layers of cells — a specimen donor for voyeurs’ fantasies.

When she raised her face, Erin’s eyes were red and her mouth was stretched wide. “What’s wrong with me?” she screamed. “I can’t even cry anymore! I tried for an hour and the tears wouldn’t come and I want them to, I want my tears back! ”

He remained on the couch where she had left him, staring from across the living room. This would be how deer feel in headlights, snared by some approaching sensory overload, petrified and about to die for it.

He should go to her — Clay knew it as surely as he knew the scars on the back of his hand. He should touch her if she wanted to be touched, hold her if she wanted to be held, kiss her if she wanted to be kissed. It should be automatic. He shouldn’t even have to think about this, because where did thinking get him? Got him to realizing just how many broken parts he must really have inside, and maybe he’d shattered them all himself over the years, in one fit of rage after another, until nothing was left.

Slit me open, he thought, and would I even feel it then…?

Feel enough to connect them? Or would Erin find nothing more inside than a coagulated mass of scar tissue, so thick it defeated even the knife?

“What happened?”

“Tell me the truth.” She sounded so desperate to hear it. If she could hold onto words, her clenched fists would burst them like watery boils. “Just tell me the truth. Am I ugly? Do you think I’m ugly?”

Shaking his head: “No.” How could she even wonder? Never had he known her to exhibit the slightest insecurity about her looks, even when they were her stock-in-trade. Shedding her clothes came as easily as others found removing their shoes. He had always assumed if there were any doubts, she had locked them deep within, and built walls around the locks, and posted guards to protect the walls. He had thought her impregnable.

As secured as Troy.

“Liar!” she cried, as she curled onto her side on the floor, beneath the window. “Don’t let me down now, you shit. If there was one thing I could respect most about you, it was that you were always brutally honest. Don’t you even know how rare that is, how much it’s meant to me?”

Turning his hands up, shaking his head. “You’re not ugly, I never found you ugly.” But why couldn’t he go the extra mile? Why did his throat constrict around the rest, why couldn’t he tell her she was beautiful?

For so long he had felt aged, even ancient at times, as worn and cracked as old leather. Yet he felt too young now, as ineffectual as a child, three feet off the floor and watching as towering parents battled it out with fists and whipcrack words meant to hurt where fists could never reach. Don’t fight, don’t fight, the only thing a child can say; he was no more qualified now to intercede in misery than he must have been twenty years ago.

Don’t hurt, Erin. Don’t hurt.

She drew a breath between clenched teeth, smoothed a phantom tear away from the corner of her eye. “I remember, I was eight, I think. There was some stupid citywide kids’ beauty contest I heard about at school, all these other girls were entering and I thought I wanted to, too. You can laugh if you want, the idea of me being interested in something like that.”

Clay shook his head. He had never considered Erin as a child. Never thought of her as tiny, impressionable, innocent.

“You’re not laughing.” She sniffed, did it for him. “I asked my mother about it and she told me to ask my father. I asked him and he told me no, he wasn’t about to waste thirty-five dollars on the entry fee, not when I could never win.”

He watched her tremble for a moment, face half-hidden by a spill of hair, the visible half more than he wanted to see. A small sympathetic spasm rippled through his center and he dug fingernails into knees to stop it.

“Why do they do those things to us, Clay? Why do they do things like that?”

“There’s…” he said, trying to find words. “There’s some other way?”

He tried to move, succeeded only in sliding off the couch onto the floor, on the same level as she but a room and chasms away. He thought to try to reach — it was a small room — but his arm would still fall short. He was sinking, drowning in the same chilly air he had breathed all day, would breathe all night, would breathe all his life.

“I did another layout today,” she said, “and they wanted me to look ugly. Scared and ugly. They posed me with five guys this afternoon, all of them at once, and they were, they were… they were…” Erin went through some kind of contortion, as if she were retching without sound, with nothing emerging; dry heaving her soul. “I could smell them sweating under the lights, and they were… they were in me, everyplace, and holding me down, I couldn’t even breathe anymore, and every time the photographer would yell for me to look more scared or more ugly, they’d… they’d all just laugh . And do me harder, all of them, in this weird rhythm they got into, like they were some kind of group machine or something.” Voice breaking into a sobbing wail, “ This morning I got up thinking I was going to like it, that I’d have fun with it! But it was like they didn’t even need me! I’d always, I’d always, I’d always tell myself these other people, they weren’t sex partners, but… but this is the first time anybody’s ever made me feel that way, like I was nothing to them . Why did it have to be different this time ?”

Clay had no answer, not even the beginnings of one. Thinking, But Adrienne would, then dismissing it immediately.

“Why do I feel all the wrong things, the things I don’t want to feel and not the things I do ?” Erin pushed the hair from her face and slowly sat up, back against the wall, arms wrapped around her knees to turn her into a tight little ball.

He watched her raise her eyes to him, plaintive eyes, eyes of a beggar seeking scraps at a back door: whatever you can spare. I should go to her —

A sound, then, like the breaking of a violin string in the middle of a pitifully beautiful solo: her voice: “Why won’t you hold me, Clay?”

Hold her? Hold her? He could not even answer her.

“Sometimes I just want you to… to…” Shaking her head in defeat.

“Why didn’t you go to Graham’s tonight instead?”

Erin snapped her head up as if she had been slapped, fresh hurt washing down her face. And while her nose could run, still she shed no tears. “Graham? I couldn’t tell this to Graham. I’d tell him about this afternoon and it’d be like digging his heart out with a fork. If I did that to him I’d hate myself even more.”

He almost smiled at that. Erin, as wretched as she felt, still managing to brush the dust off something close to altruism. Perhaps she deserved better than either him or Graham, only no one knew it, least of all her.

“Please hold me!” she cried. “ Please!” And how expectantly she waited, suddenly poised and tense, just waiting for something other than herself around which she could throw her arms. Her empty arms.