Simon Green - Live and let Drood

It was wonderfully cool and calm and quiet in the hallway.

The Sarjeant-at-Arms put down his huge gun, leaning it carefully against the closed front doors. He nodded briefly to me.

Good to see you, Eddie. What took you so long?

I stepped forward and hugged him tightly. It was a bit like trying to hug a brick wall, but I gave it my best shot. Then I stepped back and grinned at him.

Good to see you too, Cedric. You have no idea how good.

Please, Edwin, said the Sarjeant. Not in front of strangers. Who are these people you ve brought with you?

Molly armoured down, and the Sarjeant blinked several times as the golden mask disappeared to reveal her features. But that was nothing compared to the look of actual shock that took over his face when he looked at the Regent, Diana and Patrick. He stepped forward involuntarily, his gaze fixed on the Regent of Shadows.

Dear God, he said. It s you!

Quite, Cedric, said the Regent. Demons in Hell are probably snowboarding even as we speak. But, yes, it s me. I m back. Where is the rest of the Council?

Here, said a familiar voice. All that s left of us.

I looked around, and hurrying down the hallway towards us were William the Librarian and the telepath Ammonia Vom Acht. The Librarian looked his usual tall and world-buffeted self, but he was wearing clothes that actually seemed like he d put them on himself for a change, and with his great head of grey hair and full grey beard, he looked more like an Old Testament prophet than usual. His eyes seemed sharper and clearer than they had in a long time. Ammonia Vom Acht stuck close beside him, giving every appearance that she d been doing that for some time. Medium height, sturdy, with a broad mannish face and a shock of unruly auburn hair, Ammonia had a face so full of character there was no room left in it for anything like good looks. She was wearing her usual battered tweed suit and stout brogues with trailing laces. Her jaw protruded forward with bulldog stubbornness. I noted, with quiet shock, that William and Ammonia were holding hands.

I pointed at them. All right, I said, when did that happen?

But before William could answer, I stepped forward and hugged him hard. The Sarjeant sniffed loudly behind me.

He keeps doing that. I don t know why.

I let go of William, stepped back and grinned at him. You re looking a lot more yourself, William.

Ammonia s been helping me, said William.

I always knew what I really needed was the love of a good woman.

But we couldn t find one, said Ammonia,

So he has to settle for me.

They smiled at each other fondly. The Sarjeant-at-Arms gave me a What can you do? look but said nothing.

The three of us are all that s left to form a Council, said William. And we ve been very busy since we arrived here.

Where s Uncle Jack? I said. Has something happened to Uncle Jack?

The Armourer is down with Alpha Red Alpha, said Ammonia. Hitting it with the science stick, trying to persuade it to work again and get us the hell out of wherever it is we are.

And then we all cried out and jumped back as a vicious snapping creature materialised abruptly in the hallway. Covered in dark green scales, long and Reptiloid with a great wedge head, lots of fangs and claws and a vicious barbed tail that snapped back and forth behind it. Big enough that it filled the hallway from wall to wall and from floor to ceiling, it was actually trapped for a moment, unable to manoeuvre. Ammonia pointed a single finger at the beast and scowled really hard, and all the beast s eyes rolled up in its head. It collapsed, slamming its great length on the floor.

Telepathic bludgeon, said William proudly.

Best kind, said Ammonia.

Yes said the Sarjeant. Luckily, it appears only a very few of these things can teleport, or we d be hip deep in the bloody things by now. Is it dead or just sleeping, Ammonia?

Dead, of course. The telepath kicked the creature in the head a few times, just to be sure. William, get this out of here, would you?

Of course, dear.

William armoured up. I didn t think I d ever seen the Librarian in armour before. He grabbed the long barbed tail and dragged the creature briskly down the hallway to the front doors. He kicked them open and dragged the dead thing outside, where he picked the whole creature up and pitched it right through the shimmering barrier. William came back in to join us, and armoured down.

Why am I always the one who has to take out the trash?

Show-off, said Ammonia. She fixed me with a hard look. Don t even think about hugging me, boy. Why are you so pleased to see everyone?

He thought you were all dead, Molly said briskly.

When this Hall disappeared from the world, another Hall rotated in to take its place. That Hall was a burnt-out ruin, full of dead Droods. It took us a while to figure out what had happened.

Wait a minute, said the Sarjeant-at-Arms.

The whole world thinks the Droods are dead? We have got to get back. With the cats away, the rats will run riot.

Well, yes, quite right, Sarjeant, said William.

But first things first. The Armourer really was very clear and most upset when he told us that Alpha Red Alpha couldn t get us home again. That we were, in fact, trapped in this shithole of a world. And it was very nice of you to come and join us, Eddie. But have you brought anything useful with you? Something to help us get back home?

I ve brought along a few useful items, I said. I ll take them down to the Armourer.

I still want to know who all these other people are! said Ammonia, scowling at the Regent in particular.

Ah yes, said William. I should have got around to that, shouldn t I? Sorry, everyone. My mind isn t what it was.

Though we are working on that, Ammonia said quickly.

The Regent smiled gently at the Librarian. Do you remember me, William? I m your uncle Arthur. First husband to Martha. I ve been away for a while, but I m back now in your hour of need. Because that s what I do.

William just nodded vaguely. He clearly still had some way to go. The Sarjeant nodded heavily.

The Regent of Shadows. Never thought I d see the day Welcome home, Great-uncle.

I and my associates here are just along for the ride, said the Regent. It s Eddie s show, really. And Molly s, of course.

The infamous Molly Metcalf, said the Sarjeant-at-Arms. And wearing Drood armour There s a story behind this, I m sure, and I m really not going to like it. Am I?

Almost certainly not, I said.

Then it can wait. Get down to Alpha Red Alpha and do what you can to help the Armourer. Those things out there are getting closer all the time. We don t have any of the Hall s usual exterior defences; they didn t travel along with us. Most of the family are out manning the perimeter, doing what they can with all the weapons we could find in the Armoury, some of which are being field-tested for the first time even as we speak. He scowled briefly. We ve lost some good people. And a lot of the weapons are running out of ammunition. I don t want to open the Armageddon Codex, but I will if I have to. I will destroy this world before I let it destroy us.

Spoken like a true Sarjeant-at-Arms, I said.

The whole hallway was suddenly full of a rose red glow as Ethel manifested, bestowing her peaceful and calming presence on us.

Hello, hello, hello, Eddie! said the familiar disembodied voice. I m so glad you caught up with us at last! Isn t this an absolutely fascinating world? I ve never seen creatures this ugly before, and I ve been to dimensions you don t even have concepts for! I m sure if some of these things would only stop trying to kill us, just for a moment, we could have some really interesting conversations!

You can talk to them? I said.

Well, no, not as such, Ethel said reluctantly.