Simon Green - Property of a Lady Faire

It also occurred to me that there was an awful lot of expensive and impressive jewellery on open display, because after all there couldn’t be any dangers in a place like this . . . I turned back to Molly and found she was also studying the jewellery, with the look of someone doing mental arithmetic. She caught me looking at her.

“Relax, Eddie. I’ll be discreet. They’ll never know what hit them. Yes, I know, we’re not supposed to draw attention to ourselves, but who would be looking for us here?”

“Who wouldn’t?” I said. “It feels like everyone in the world is after us. Very definitely including whoever is really responsible for the murder of all those people at Uncanny. We still don’t have a clue as to who that was. We’re the only ones who can find out, because we’re the only ones looking. Everyone else is convinced it was us. There are a lot of people out there who’d do anything to punish us for what they think we’ve done. The Regent of Shadows did a lot of good for people in his time. He still has a lot of friends out there. Then there are all the people who’d love to get their hands on a rogue Drood and his armour. And finally, people like the Detective Inspectre, who think they can use us to get to the Lazarus Stone.”

“I’m not sure there is anyone like Hadleigh Oblivion,” said Molly.

“You could be right there,” I said. “But you get the point.”

“How could I not, after you’ve explained it all so laboriously? I am keeping up with things, Eddie! Honestly, you’d think I’d never been on the run before . . . So, basically, we’re hiding from absolutely everybody?”

“Basically, yes,” I said. “Just like old times.”

We shared a smile, remembering how we first met. When my family denounced me for the first time, and tried to have me killed, and the only people I could turn to for help were those I’d previously considered my enemies. Molly and I had already tried to kill each other several times, earlier in our careers, so she was one of the first people I turned to. The only person who knows you as well as an old friend is an old enemy. Who knew the two of us would get on so well . . . ?

The waiter came hurrying forward, proudly bearing a bottle of Champagne in an ice bucket. He placed the bucket reverently on the table and then opened the bottle with practised ease. He poured me a glass, and presented it to me with a grand gesture. I think I impressed him, and perhaps even faintly scandalised him, by not even glancing at the label on the bottle. I took a good sip, and nodded nonchalantly. I gestured to the waiter to pour a glass for Molly. He did so quickly, and Molly took the glass and downed it in one. She smiled sweetly at the shocked waiter.

“That’s the stuff. Pour me another, sweetie. I’ve got my drinking cap on, and my liver is going to take some real punishment this evening.”

The waiter looked at me imploringly, but I just gave him a What can you do? shrug. He sighed, quietly, in a Barbarians Are at the Gate sort of way, and refilled Molly’s glass. She knocked that one back too.

“I can’t help feeling you’re not getting the most out of that,” I said.

“I’m thirsty!” Molly said loudly. “It’s been a busy old day.” She glared at the waiter, and he hurried to pour her a third glass. He then put the bottle in the ice bucket and ran away before he could be forced to participate in any more appalling behaviour. Molly sipped at her Champagne, little finger delicately extended, grinned at me, and looked out the window. At all the endless, unmarked snow rushing past. I looked too, just to keep her company. There still wasn’t a single tree or landmark to be seen anywhere, even along the distant horizon. No sign of life, let alone civilisation.

“It’s like looking at a dead world,” Molly said quietly. “Like looking at the surface of the Moon . . . Siberia. You were here once before, weren’t you, Eddie? On that case you still don’t like to talk about.”

“Yes,” I said. “The great spy game. Somewhere out there, beyond the horizon, buried deep beneath the Siberian tundra, lies one of my family’s greatest secrets and most terrible horrors.”

“What?” said Molly.

“Hush,” I said. “Keep your voice down. We don’t want to wake him.”

“Your family history never ceases to appal me,” said Molly.

But there must have been something in my face . . . because she stopped asking questions. We both have our pasts, and our secrets, places we cannot go. Molly looked out at the empty landscape again, resting her chin on her hand.

“How are we supposed to find this Gateway?” she said morosely. “How are we supposed to find anything, in all this . . . wilderness?”

“The Doormouse said we’d just know,” I said. “That we’d sense where it was, the moment we were close enough, whether we wanted to or not. Which is, of course, not in the least worrying.”

“What can you do?” said Molly. “He’s a Mouse.”

We stopped talking, as the food finally arrived. So much food, in fact, that it had to be wheeled to our table on several large trolleys, by several large waiters hoping to share in a really big tip. Or perhaps because they wanted to see what kind of idiots would order so much more food than they could possibly eat. The waiters took it in turn to lay out plates and bowls, dishes and tureens, and all kinds of steaming-hot food, until they ran out of room on the table and had to start overlapping things. I just sat back and let them get on with it. I have to say, everything smelled pretty damned good. Molly started making cute little hungry sounds, and clapping her hands together. When the waiters finally finished, they stood back and stared respectfully at the magnificent repast they’d delivered, and then they all looked expectantly at me and Molly. Molly looked right back at them, and they all suddenly remembered they were needed urgently somewhere else, and ran away as slowly as their dignity would allow.

Molly and I tried bits and pieces of everything, stabbing things with forks or just picking them up with fingers. To the accompaniment of appalled noises from people around us, who couldn’t believe what they were seeing. I chewed enthusiastically at this and that, only occasionally spitting things out. Because there are limits. A lot of what we’d ordered turned out to be regional specialities, and strange delicacies from local cultures. Mostly hotly spiced meats, and unfamiliar vegetables beaten and boiled to within an inch of their lives. Some was just unidentifiable bits of animal, whole organs swimming in sauces thickened with fresh blood. More like a road accident than a meal.

“I think this . . . is yak,” I said, chewing determinedly on something purple, served on a bed of bright pink rice and grey peas. “On the grounds that just eating this fills me with an overwhelming impulse to shout Yak! in a loud and carrying voice.”

“I think what I’ve got here is Mammoth,” said Molly. “It’s certainly big enough. Could this be its trunk, do you think?”

“No,” I said judiciously. “That looks like a much more intimate part of its anatomy. You’re going to eat it, aren’t you?”

“Damn right I am!” said Molly. “I’m hungry! You sure I can’t tempt you to try just a little bit?”

“No,” I said. “I would wince with every bite.”

“I wonder if they had to tenderise it first, with a mallet?” said Molly, smiling wickedly, and I had to cross my legs and look the other way.

We ended up eating a hell of a lot of the food, and drinking all of the Champagne, before finally throwing in the napkin and leaning back in our seats, happily replete and more than a little stuffed. Molly fixed me with a sly grin.