Julie Halpern - The F- It List

Jenna Brown strode up to my locker as I finagled space for my backpack. “I hear Becca’s still sick.” She pouted overzealously.

“Her mom tell your mom that?” I was ready to jump down her throat.

She nodded. “The drama department put some money together to get her this.” She handed me a small box with a card attached. “It’s an iTunes gift card. So she can download TV shows and movies to keep her busy.” Jenna had a slight look of panic as she explained this, as though I would have an abusively snarky comeback. I thought about it, like why it took them so damn long or how would her mom know how she was because she was never around anyway. I stopped myself. What they did was a good thing. I couldn’t fault them for taking a while to do it.

“Thanks. I’ll give this to her. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

Jenna stood stock still, waiting for the punch line. I thought about fulfilling her expectations, when we were interrupted by the appearance of a super-tall figure behind her. I looked up at him and smiled. If I were one of those people, my eyes might have welled up with tears.

“Excuse me,” Leo said to Jenna, and stepped between her and me.

“Hi,” I breathed. He didn’t say anything, just leaned down, hands cupping my face, and kissed me. It was my first instance of hallway PDA, something I held so much disdain for I made it a point to mock regular culprits as a sport.

But Leo’s lips on my lips, his hands on my cheeks, and I wasn’t even in the hallway anymore. It was only me and Leo. Heavenly.

Until Jenna interrupted with a giggle and an overly enthusiastic “Are you guys dating? That is so cute!” She squealed.

“Leo and I are not cute,” I blasted her. But what was I really fighting about? I wrapped an arm around his waist, and he draped his over my shoulder. “And, yes, we are dating. Or whatever,” I admitted.

“Adorable!” she squealed again. I willed myself not to kick her in the shin.

“We have to go,” I announced, and pulled Leo along as best I could through the hall to the book closet. When we arrived, Leo fished out his key and unlocked the door. Inside for the first time in months, Leo looked around. “Something looks different. Did you rearrange the books?” he asked.

“Maybe. Long story,” I dismissed. He kissed me again, and I wanted to pull the clocks off the wall to stop time.

Every day of school after that started the exact same way. I had never looked forward to school, or a guy, as much in my life.

I prayed that the third bad thing had come and gone.

THREE WEEKS PASSED faster than any I could remember before my dad died. For so long, time stood still, dragged, or even moved backward as I focused on every negative, painful thing that happened and wondered what would come next. My guard was only down the tiny bit I allowed myself, as Becca waited for the test results of her cancer treatment. Her radiation was over, and instead of us spending more time together as her health improved, we saw each other less and less. I hated to admit it was because of a guy, but Leo and I were hanging out whenever we could, watching movies, studying at the library, brainstorming a movie I might make someday. Not that Becca wasn’t busy with her own guy. Now that she was starting to feel human again, hair growing back, weight filling out her sunken frame, Caleb was in the picture a lot more. They went from romantic notes between windows to sharing her twin bed most nights. I wondered if Becca’s mom knew what was going on, considering Caleb was a rather large guy to hide. Maybe she was of the mind that Becca went through hell and deserved her little slice of homeschooled heaven. Or maybe she was too cracked out on God to notice.

Leo and I hung out with Becca and Caleb from time to time. He was nice, mind-blowingly smart, but definitely a little pop-culture deprived. I feel like if I were homeschooled it would be impossible not to waste the day in front of the television or computer and try to pass it off as “homework.” But Caleb was all about actual learning. He did deign to come to a midnight screening of The Exorcist with us. Leo and I disagreed on its brilliance. “I think there’s way too much plot and not enough scare,” I argued.

“Which makes the scary parts all the scarier. Plus, there’s all that subliminal stuff,” Leo countered. We discovered on a Blu-ray of the film that the director did all of these extra-creepy secret things, like inserting random, terrifying faces into scenes and playing the squeals of actual pigs being slaughtered to make the movie especially unsettling.

“I’ll take a midnight show of Casablanca over this any day,” was Caleb’s response. Becca stared at him dreamily. It was a good look for her after so many pained ones.

And still we waited for the news of her life.

Becca began making school appearances again, not full days but enough to get some work done. One day at lunch, her phone rang. Becca’s cancer was like a get-out-of-jail-free card and allowed her to carry her cell phone in case of emergency. “Emergency” most of the time meant texting sappy I miss you texts to Caleb, but it was nearing the time of her lab results. Post-chemo, post-radiation, she’d soon find out if the cancer was zapped, if she needed to go through hell again, or the worst possibility: Treatment didn’t work at all.

When her phone rang, Becca announced, “It’s my mom,” which it often was. When Becca was the one out of the house, her mom called to check in every hour or so. She admitted to wishing Helen could follow Becca around school so she didn’t have to worry so much. I don’t think anything could have stopped her mom from worrying. It felt a tad more appropriate than a facial.

“Hello?” Becca stood up and plugged one ear to hear the phone better. The lunch crew followed her expressions. Anticipation. Disappointment. Aggravation.

“Mom! Stop calling me! Seriously. Unless you have news, don’t call anymore. You’re going to make me have a heart attack before I even find out if my cancer is gone.” Pause. “Yeah, love you, too. Crazy woman,” she mumbled at the end.

The following Saturday morning I was busy slicing cucumbers at Cellar when my phone rang in my pocket. I normally didn’t answer it, mostly because then I had to wash my hands for the millionth time. Winter dryness was killing me. But all phone calls had become critical. I knew any day Becca would learn of her post-chemo scans, which would basically say whether her cancer had gone away. Seven months. That’s how long I watched Becca have cancer. That’s a long fucking time to be sick with anything, to have to watch and wonder what was going to happen to my best friend. Could this finally be the call?

I walked into the back room, away from the kitchen scraps and music from the stereo. “Hello?” I answered.

I played out this phone call a billion times in my head. Sometimes it went:

“I have to tell you something, Alex. The cancer’s still there. And it’s spread.”

And when I’m feeling particularly morbid, Becca adds,

“They say I have one month to live.”

I also have the other conversation, where Becca screams at the top of her lungs, “The cancer’s gone!!!” We dance, and I hug whoever’s closest to me, preferably not some sub-slinging douche.

“Hello?” This wasn’t in my head. This was the real deal. The phone call that determined our future. My hands shook as I answered. I hadn’t realized how terrified I was.

There was no dramatic pause. Instead, unlike any of my pre-enactments, Becca blurted out, “I’m clear. No cancer spots. Normal blood.” She was breathlessly quiet.

“That’s good, right? I mean, it sounds good. I just never know if there’s something else coming.”