Terry Pratchett - Thief of Time

“Yes,” said Susan, peering round the corner. “It's the sensory explosion. They lose control of their morphic field. Can you throw at all? Good. Unity, give him as many chocolate eggs as he can carry. The secret is to get them to land hard so that there's lots of shrapnel—”

“And where is Lobsang?” said Lu-Tze.

“Him? You could say he's with us in spirit.”

There were blue sparkles in the air.

“Growing pains, I think,” Susan added.

Centuries of experience once again came to Lu-Tze's aid.

“He always looked like a lad who needed to find himself,” he said.

“Yes,” said Susan. “And it came as a bit of a shock. Let's go.”

Death looked down at the world. Timelessness had reached the Rim now, and was expanding into the universe at the speed of light. The Discworld was a sculpture in crystal.

Not an apocalypse. There had always been plenty of those—small apocalypses, not the full shilling at all, fake apocalypses: apocryphal apocalypses. Most of them had been back in the old days, when the world as in “end of the world” was often objectively no wider than a few villages and a clearing in the forest.

And those little worlds had ended. But there had always been somewhere else . There had been the horizon, to start with. The fleeing refugees would find that the world was bigger than they'd thought. A few villages in a clearing? Hah, how could they have been so stupid! Now they knew it was a whole island! Of course, there was that horizon again…

The world had run out of horizons.

As Death watched, the sun stopped in its orbit and its light became duller, redder.

He sighed, and nudged Binky. The horse stepped forward, in a direction that could not be found on any map.

And the sky was full of grey shapes. There was a ripple in the ranks of Auditors as the Pale Horse trotted forward.

One drifted towards Death and hung in the air a few feet away. It said, Should you not be riding out?

DO YOU SPEAK FOR ALL ?

You know the custom , said the voice in Death's mind. Among us, one speaks for all .

WHAT IS BEING DONE IS WRONG.

It is not your business .

NEVERTHELESS, WE ARE ALL ANSWERABLE.

The universe will last for ever , said the voice. Everything preserved, ordered, understood, lawful, filed … changeless . A perfect world. Finished.

NO.

It will all end one day in any case .

BUT THIS IS TOO SOON. THERE IS UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

And that is—?

EVERYTHING.

And, with a flash of light, a figure clothèd all in white appeared, holding a book in one hand.

It looked from Death to the endlessly massing ranks of the Auditors, and said: “Sorry? Is this the right place?”

Two Auditors were measuring the number of atoms in a paving slab.

They looked up at a movement.

“Good afternoon,” said Lu-Tze. “May I draw your attention to the notice my assistant is holding up?”

Susan held up the sign. It read: Mouths Must Be Open. By Order.

And Lu-Tze unfolded his hands. There was a caramel in each one, and he was a good shot.

The mouths shut. The faces went impassive. Then there was a sound somewhere between a purr and a wail, which disappeared into the ultrasonic. And then… the Auditors dissolved, gently, first going fuzzy around the edges and, as the process accelerated, swiftly becoming a spreading cloud.

“Hand-to-mouth fighting,” said Lu-Tze. “Why doesn't it happen to humans?”

“It nearly does,” said Susan, and when they stared at her she blinked and said, “To stupid, indulgent humans, anyway.”

“ You don't have to concentrate to stay the same shape,” said Unity. “And that was the last of the caramels, by the way.”

“No, there's six in one of W&B's Gold Selections,” said Susan. “Three have got white chocolate cream in dark chocolate and three have got whipped cream in milk chocolate. They're the ones in the silver wrapp—Look, I just happen to know things, all right? Let's keep going, okay? Without mentioning chocolate.”

You have no power over us , said the Auditor. We are not alive .

BUT YOU ARE DEMONSTRATING ARROGANCE, PRIDE AND STUPIDITY. THESE ARE EMOTIONS. I WOULD SAY THEY ARE SIGNS OF LIFE.

“Excuse me?” said the shining figure in white.

But you are all alonehere!

“Excuse me ?”

YES? said Death. WHAT IS IT?

“This is the Apocalypse, yes?” said the shining figure petulantly.

WE ARE TALKING .

“Yes, right, but is it the Apocalypse? The actual end of the actual whole world?”

No , said the Auditor.

YES, said Death. IT IS.

“Great!” said the figure.

What ? said the Auditor.

WHAT? said Death.

The figure looked embarrassed.

“Well, not great, obviously . Obviously not great , as such. But it's what I'm here for. It's what I'm for , really.” It held up the book. “Er… I've got the place marked ready. Wow! It's been, you know, so long…”

Death glanced at the book. The cover and all the pages were made of iron. Realization dawned.

YOU ARE THE ANGEL CLOTHED ALL IN WHITE OF THE IRON BOOK FROM THE PROPHECIES OF TOBRUN, AM I CORRECT?

“That's right!” The pages clanged as the angel hurriedly thumbed through them. “And it's clothèd, by the way, if you don't mind. Clo-the ddd . Just a detail, I know, but I like to get it right.”

What is happening here ? the Auditor growled.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, said Death, ignoring the interruption. BUT YOU ARE NOT OFFICIAL.

The pages stopped clanking.

“What do you mean?” said the angel suspiciously.

THE BOOK OF TOBRUN HAS NOT BEEN CONSIDERED OFFICIAL CHURCH DOGMA FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. THE PROPHET BRUTHA REVEALED THAT THE WHOLE CHAPTER WAS A METAPHOR FOR A POWER STRUGGLE WITHIN THE EARLY CHURCH. IT IS NOT INCLUDED IN THE REVISED VERSION OF THE BOOK OF OM, AS DETERMINED BY THE CONVOCATION OF EE.

“Not at all?”

I'M SORRY.

“I've been thrown out? Just like the damn rabbits and the big syrupy things?”

YES.

“Even the bit where I blow the trumpet?”

OH, YES.

“You sure?”

ALWAYS.

“But you are Death and this is the Apocalypse, right?” said the angel, looking wretched. “So therefore—”

UNFORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, YOU ARE NO LONGER A FORMAL PART OF THE PROCEEDINGS.

Out of the corner of his mind, Death was observing the Auditor. Auditors always listened when people spoke. The more people spoke, the closer to consensus every decision came, and the less responsibility anyone had. But the Auditor was showing signs of impatience and annoyance…

Emotions. And emotions made you alive . Death knew how to deal with the living.

The angel looked around at the universe. “Then what am I supposed to do ?” he wailed. “This is what I've been waiting for! For thousands of years!” He stared at the iron book. “Thousands of dull, boring, wasted years…” he mumbled.

Have you quite finished ? said the Auditor.

“One big scene. That's all I had. That was my purpose . You wait, you practise—and then you're just edited out because brimstone is no longer a fashionable colour?” Anger was infusing the bitterness in the angel's voice. “No one told me , of course…”

He glared at the rusted pages. “It ought to be Pestilence next,” he muttered.

“Am I late, then?” said a voice in the night.

A horse walked forward. It gleamed unhealthily, like a gangrenous wound just before the barber-surgeon would be called in with his hacksaw for a quick trim.