Terry Pratchett - Monstrous Regiment

They shook. “And now, we have duties,” said Major Clogston, as Jade arrived with a white sheet on a pole. “Oh, and by the way… my name is Christine. And, you know, I really don’t think I could get used to wearing a dress again…”

Maladict and Jade were chosen to see Polly through the castle, a troll because a troll commands respect and a vampire because a vampire demands it.

There were groans and cheers as they elbowed their way along the passages, because news had already got around. That was another reason for taking Jade. Trolls could push.

“Okay,” said Jackrum, bringing up the rear. “At the bottom of these steps there’s a door, and beyond that door is enemy territory. Put the white flag out first . Important safety tip.”

“Can’t you come with us, sarge?”

“Hah, me? I dare say there’s a few people out there who’d take a potshot at me, white flag or no. Don’t you worry. The word’s gone out.”

“What word’s that, sarge?”

Jackrum leaned closer. “They ain’t gonna shoot a girl, Perks!”

“You told them?”

“Let’s just say that news gets around fast,” said Jackrum. “Grab the advantage. And I’ll find your brother while you’re gone, upon my oath. Oh, one other thing… look at me, Perks.”

Polly turned in the crowded, jostling corridor.

Jackrum’s eyes twinkled.

“I know I can trust you, Perks. Make the most of it, lad. Kissin’ don’t last!”

Well, that couldn’t be plainer, Polly thought as the armed men by the door beckoned them forward.

“Stick to the walls, okay, ladies? And be quick with that rag!”

The heavy door swung open. Half a dozen arrows bounced and pinwheeled along the corridor. Another one tore through the flag.

Polly waved it desperately. She heard distant shouting, and then cheers.

“Go! Go!” said a guard, pushing her forward.

She stepped out into the sudden daylight and, to make sure, waved the flag overhead a few more times. There were men in the courtyard and lining the battlements around it. There were bodies, too.

A captain, with blood soaking through his jacket, stepped across the fallen and held out his hand.

“You may give that to me, soldier,” he said.

“No, sir. I must deliver it to your commander, and wait for his reply, sir.”

“Then you give it to me, soldier, and I will bring you back the reply. You have surrendered, after all.”

Polly shook her head. “No. This is a truce. That’s not the same thing. I have to hand this over personally and you aren’t big enough.” A thought hit her. “I demand to take this to Commander Vimes!”

The captain stared at her, and then looked closer. “Aren’t you one of those—”

“Yes,” said Polly.

“And you locked them in chains and threw the key away?”

“Yes,” said Polly, seeing her life start to flash before her eyes.

“And they had to hop miles with shackles on and no clothes?”

“Yes!”

“And you’re just… women? ”

“Yes!” said Polly, letting the “just” go for now.

The captain leaned closer and spoke while trying not to move his lips.

“Dan gug show. Ell done. Agout time soes arragunk arsetards ere aken own a eg!”

He leaned back. “Commander Vimes it is, then. Follow me, miss.”

Polly felt hundreds of eyes on her as the squad was let into the Inner Keep. There were one or two wolf whistles, because there were more soldiers in there, including quite a few trolls. Jade bent down, snatched up a rock, and hurled it at one of them, hitting him between the eyes.

“No one move!” shouted Maladict, waving his hands urgently as a hundred men raised their weapons. “That was the troll version of blowing a kiss!”

And, indeed, the troll who had been hit was waving at Jade, a little unsteadily.

“Can we knock it off with the lovey-dovey, please?” said Polly to Jade. “The soft people are likely to get the wrong idea.”

“It’s stopped the whistling, though,” Maladict observed.

More people watched them as they climbed flight after flight of stone steps. No one could take this place, Polly could see that. Every flight was seen by another one higher up, every visitor would be sighted on before she’d even glimpsed a face.

A figure stepped out of the shadows as they reached the next floor. It was a young woman, in old-fashioned leather and mail armour, with a breastplate. She had long, very fair hair; for the first time in weeks, Polly felt a twinge of envy.

“Thank you, captain, I’ll take over from here,” she said, and nodded to Polly. “Good evening, Corporal Perks… if you would follow me, please?”

“She’s a woman! And a sergeant!” Maladict whispered.

“Yes, I know,” said Polly.

“But she gave an order to that captain!”

“Maybe she’s a political…”

“And she’s obviously female!”

“I’m not blind, Mal,” said Polly.

“I’m not deaf, either,” said the woman, turning and smiling. “My name is Angua. If you will wait here, I’ll have some coffee sent in. There’s a bit of an argument going on in there at the moment.”

They were in a sort of anteroom, not much more than a widened area of corridor with a few benches. There were big double doors at the far end, behind which voices were being raised. Angua left.

“Just like that?” said Maladict. “What’s to stop us taking over the place?”

“All those men with crossbows we passed on the way up?” said Polly. Why us? she thought, looking blankly at the wall.

“Oh, yes. Those. Yes,” said Maladict. “Er… Poll?”

“Yes?”

“I’m actually Maladicta.” She sat back. “There! I’ve told someone!”

“Dat’s nice,” said Jade.

“Oh, good,” said Polly. I’d be going out to give the latrines their afternoon swill about now, she thought. This has got to be better than that, right?

“I thought I did pretty well,” Maladicta went on. “Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: vampires have a pretty good time of it whatever sex they are, right? But it’s the same everywhere. Velvet dresses, underwired nightgowns, acting crazy all the time, and don’t let’s even go near the whole ‘bathing in virgin’s blood’ thing. You get taken a lot more seriously if they think you’re male.”

“Right,” said Polly. All in all, it’s been a long day. A bath would be nice.

“I thought I did pretty well right up until the whole coffee thing. A necklace of the roast beans, that’d be the thing. I’ll be better prepared another time.”

“Yeah,” said Polly. “Good idea. With real soap.”

“Soap? How would soap work?”

“What? Oh… sorry,” said Polly.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

“Oh, that. Yes. Thank you for telling me.”

“Is that it? ”

“Yes,” said Polly. “You’re you. That’s good. I’m me, whoever I am. Tonker’s Tonker. It’s all just… people. Look, a week ago the high spot of my day was reading the new graffiti in the men’s latrines. I think you’d agree that a lot has happened since then. I don’t think I’m going to be surprised at anything anymore. The coffee-bean necklace sounds good, by the way.” She drummed her feet on the floor impatiently. “Right now, I just wish they’d hurry up in there.”

They sat and listened, and then Polly became aware of a little column of smoke coming from behind a bench on the other side of the space. She walked over and peered over the back. A man was lying there, head on one arm, smoking a cigar. He nodded when he saw Polly’s face.

“They’re going to be ages yet,” he said.