Terry Pratchett - Monstrous Regiment

… my boy… my boy …

“I see heroes!” said the Duchess, staring at the tableau of officers. “All of you gave up… much. But I demand more. Much more. Is there any amongst you who for the sake of my memory will not die in battle?” Wazzer’s head turned and looked along the row, and smiled.

“No. I see there is not. And now I demand that you do what the ignorant might feel is the easier thing. You must refrain from dying in battle. Revenge is not redress. Revenge is a wheel, and it turns backwards. The dead are not your masters.”

“What is it you want of me, ma’am?” Froc managed.

“Call in your other officers. Make what truces are necessary, for now. This body, this poor child, will lead you. I am weak, but I can move small things. Thoughts, perhaps. I will leave her… something, a light in the eye, a tone in the voice. Follow her. You must invade.”

“Certainly! But how—”

“You must invade Borogravia! In the name of sanity, you must go home! The winter is coming, the trusting animals are not fed, old men die of cold, women mourn, the country corrodes. Fight Nuggan, because he is nothing now, nothing but the poisonous echo of all your ignorance and pettiness and malicious stupidity! Find yourself a worthier god. And let… me… go! All those prayers, all those entreaties… to me! Too many hands clasped, that could more gainfully answer your prayers by effort and resolve! And what was I? Just a rather stupid woman when I was alive. But you believed I watched over you, and listened to you… and so I had to, I had to listen, knowing that there was no help… I wish people would not be so careless about what they believe. Go. Invade the one place you’ve never conquered. And these women will help. Be proud of them. And, lest you think to twist my meaning, lest you doubt… let me, as I leave, return to you this gift. Remember. A kiss.”

… a kiss

… a kiss a kiss return to you kiss

… remember

As one woman, as one man, the crowd in the room reached up hesitantly to their left cheek. And Wazzer folded up, very gently, collapsing like a sigh.

Froc was the first to speak. “This is… I think we need to…” She faltered into silence.

Jackrum got to his feet, brushed the dust off his shako, placed it on his head and saluted. “Permission to speak, sir?” he said.

“Oh, good heaven, Jackrum!” said Froc distractedly. “At a time like this? Yes, yes…”

“What are your orders, sir?”

“Orders?” Froc blinked, and looked around. “Orders, orders… yes. Well, I am the commander, I can request a… yes, I can request a truce, sergeant—”

“That’s sergeant major, sir,” said Jackrum. “Right you are, sir, I’ll organize a runner to go to the Alliance.”

“I suppose a… white flag would be—”

“Good as done, sir. Leave it to me,” said Jackrum, radiating efficiency.

“Yes, of course… Er, before, before we go any further… ladies and gentlemen, I… er… some of the things said here… the whole issue of women joining as… women… obviously…” She raised her hand to her cheek again, in a kind of wonderment. “They are welcome. I… salute them. But for those of us that went before, perhaps it is not… not yet the time. You understand?”

“What?” said Polly.

“Lips sealed, sir!” said Jackrum. “You can leave it all to me, sir! Captain Blouse’s squad, attention! You will obtain uniforms! You can’t go around still dressed as washerwomen, oh dear me!”

“We are soldiers?” said Polly.

“O’ course you are, otherwise I wouldn’t be shouting at you, you ’orrible little woman! The world’s turned upside down! It’s a bit more important than you right now, eh? You’ve got what you’re after, right? Now get hold of a uniform, find yourself a shako and wipe your face, at least. You are taking the official truce to the enemy.”

“Me, sarge?” said Polly.

“Right! Just as soon as the officers have done the official letter. Tonker, Lofty… see what you can find for Perks to wear. Perks, don’t be cowed, and bull yourself up. The rest of you, hurry up and wait!”

“Sergeant Jac—er, sergeant major?” said Blouse.

“Yessir?”

“I’m not a captain, you know.”

“Are you not?” said Jackrum, grinning. “Well, leave it to Jackrum, sir. We shall see what the day brings, eh? Minor point, sir. I should lose the dress if I was you!”

Jackrum marched off, his inflated chest as red as a robin’s and twice as threatening. He shouted at orderlies, harried guards, saluted officers and, despite everything, hammered the blade of purpose out of the red-hot steel of panic. He was a sergeant major in a roomful of confused ruperts, and he was happier than a terrier in a barrel of rats.

Stopping a battle is much harder than starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout “Attack!” but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy.

Polly could feel the news spreading. They’re girls! The orderlies scuttling in and out once more kept staring at them, as if they were some kind of strange insects. I wonder how many Jackrum missed, Polly thought. I wonder…

Bits of uniform turned up. Jade found some trousers that fitted by locating a clerk who was Polly’s height, lifting him up and pulling them off him. A jacket was acquired. Lofty even stole a shako of the right size and polished the badge with her sleeve until it gleamed. Polly was just doing up her belt when she spotted a figure on the far side of the room. She’d completely forgotten about him.

She pulled the belt tight and thrust the leather through the buckle as she walked and then strode through the crowds of figures. Strappi saw her coming, but it was too late. There was no escape short of running, and captains didn’t run from corporals. He stood his ground, like a rabbit hypnotized by the approaching vixen, and raised his hands as she approached.

“Now then, Perks, I’m a captain and I had a job to—” he began.

“And how long do you think you’ll hold that rank, now, sir? ” hissed Polly. “When I tell the general about our little fight? And how you sicked the Prince onto us? And how you bullied Wazzer? And about my hair, you sticky little miserable apology for a man! Shufti’s a better man than you and she’s pregnant!”

“Oh, we knew there were women getting in,” said Strappi. “We just didn’t know how far the rot went—”

“You took my hair because you thought it meant something to me,” hissed Polly. “Well, you can keep it! I’ll grow some more, and no one is going to stop me, understand? Oh, and one other thing. This is how far the rot goes!”

It was a blow rather than a slap, and it knocked him down so hard that he rolled. But he was Strappi, and staggered upright with a finger pointed for vengeance.

“She struck a superior officer!” he screamed.

A few heads turned. They looked at Strappi. They looked at Polly. Then they looked back grinning to what they had been doing.

“I should run away again, if I was you,” said Polly. She turned on her heel, feeling the heat of his impotent fury.

As she was about to rejoin Jade and Maladict, someone touched her arm. She spun round.

“What? Oh… sorry, Major Clogston,” she said. She felt she wouldn’t be able to deal with Strappi again, not without committing murder. That would probably get her into trouble, even now.

“I should like to thank you for a most enjoyable day,” said the major. “I did my best, but I think we were all… outclassed.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Polly.

“This was a pleasure, Corporal Perks,” said Clogston. “I shall watch your future career with interest and envy. Congratulations. And since in here protocol seems to be flapping loose, I will shake you by the hand.”