Jean Auel - The Clan of the Cave Bear

Ayla was right. He's not deformed, he's a mixture, a mixture of her and Clan. I wonder, is that the way it always is? Do the spirits mix? Maybe that's what makes girls, not a weak male totem. Does life start with a mixing of male and female totem spirits? Creb shook his head, he didn't know, but it set the old magician to thinking. He thought often of Durc that cold lonely winter. He had a feeling Durc was important, but just why eluded him.

«But Ayla, I'm not like you. I can't hunt. Where will I go when it gets dark?» Uba implored. «Ayla, I'm afraid.»

The frightened face of the young woman made Ayla wish she could go with her. Uba was not quite eight years old and the thought of spending the days alone away from the security of the cave terrified her, but her totem's spirit had battled for the first time and it was required. She had no choice.

«Do you remember that small cave where I hid when Durc was born? Go there, Uba. It will be safer than staying out in the open. I'll come up to see you every evening and bring you some food. It's only for a few days, Uba. Make sure you take a fur to sleep on and a coal to start a fire. There's water nearby. It will be lonely, especially at night, but you'll be all right. And just think, you're a woman now. You'll be mated soon and maybe have a baby of your own before long,» Ayla consoled.

«Who do you think Brun will choose for me?»

«Who do you want Brun to choose for you, Uba?»

«Vorn is the only unmated man, though I'm sure Borg will be one soon. Of course, he might decide to make me the second woman of one of the others. I think I'd really like Borg. We used to play we were mated, until the time he really tried to relieve his needs with me. It didn't work very well, and now he's shy and so close to being a man, he doesn't like to play with girls anymore. But Ona is a woman, too, and she can't mate with Vorn. Unless Brun decides to give her to a man who already has one mate, there's no one else but Borg for her. I guess that means Vorn will be my mate.» «Vorn has been a man for a while, he's probably eager to mate by now,» Ayla said. She had come to the same conclusion herself. «Do you think you'd like Vorn for a mate?»

«He tried to act like he doesn't notice me, but he looks at me sometimes. He might not be so bad.»

«Broud likes him, he'll probably be second-in-command someday. You don't need to worry about the status, but it would be good for your sons. I didn't like Vorn much when he was younger, but I think you're right. He's not so bad. He's even nice to Durc, when Broud isn't around.»

«Everyone's nice to Durc, except Broud,» Uba said. «Everyone loves him.» «Well, he certainly makes himself at home at every hearth. He's so used to being handed around to nurse, he even calls every woman mother,» Ayla motioned with a fleeting frown. A quick smile replaced her unhappy look. «Remember that time he walked into Grod's hearth, just like he lived there?»

«I remember; I tried not to look, but I just couldn't help it,» Uba recalled. «He walked right past Uka, just greeted her and called her mother and went straight to Grod and crawled up on his lap.»

«I know,» Ayla said. «I never saw Grod look so surprised in my life. Then he climbed down and went straight for Grod's spears. I was sure Grod was going to get mad, but he just couldn't resist that brazen child when he started to drag his biggest spear away.

When Grod took it away from him, he said, 'Durc hunt like Grod.'» «I think Durc would have dragged that heavy spear right out of the cave if Grod had let him.»

«He takes the little spear Grod made for him to bed,» Ayla gestured, still smiling.

«You know, Grod never says much. I was surprised when he came over that day. He barely greeted me, just went straight to Durc and put that spear in his hands, even showed him how to hold it. When he walked out, all he said was, 'If the boy wants to hunt so much, he should have his own spear.'»

«It's a shame Ovra never had any children. I think Grod would like it if the daughter of his mate had a baby,» Uba said. «Maybe that's why Grod likes Durc, he's not really attached to any man. Brun likes him, too, I can tell; and Zoug is already showing him how to use a sling. I don't think he's going to have any problem learning to hunt even though there isn't a man at his hearth to train him. The way the men act, you'd think every man in the clan is his mother's mate, except Broud.» She paused. «Maybe they are, Ayla. Dorv always said every man's totem combined to defeat your Cave Lion.» «I think you'd better go now, Uba,» Ayla said, changing the subject.

«I'll walk with you part of the way. It's stopped raining, and I think the strawberries are ripe. There's a big patch of them partway up the path. I'll come up to see you later.»

Goov painted the symbol of Vorn's totem over the symbol of Uba's totem with yellow ochre paste, blurring her mark and showing his dominance.

«Do, you accept this woman as your mate?» Creb gestured.

Vorn tapped Uba's shoulder and she followed him into the cave. Then Creb and Goov performed the same ritual for Borg and Ona and they went to their new hearth to begin the period of isolation. The summer-dressed trees, still a shade lighter than they would be later, stirred in the light breeze as the congregation broke up. Ayla picked up Durc to carry him into the cave, but he squirmed to get down.

«All right, Durc,» she motioned. «You can walk, but come in and have some broth and mush.»

While she was preparing breakfast, Durc wandered out of the hearth and headed toward the new hearth now occupied by Uba and Vorn. Ayla ran after him and carried him back.

«Durc want see Uba,» the child gestured.

«You can't, Durc. No one can visit her for a while. But if you're good and eat your mush, I'll take you hunting with me.»

«Durc be good. Why can't see Uba?» the boy asked, mollified by the promise to go along with his mother. «Why Uba not come eat with us?» «She doesn't live here anymore, Durc. She's mated to Vorn now,» Ayla explained.

Durc wasn't the only one who noticed Uba's absence. They all missed her. The hearth seemed empty with only Creb, Ayla, and the child, and the strain between the old man and the young woman was more noticeable. They had never found a way to overcome their mutual remorse over the hurt they had caused each other. Many times when Ayla saw the old magician lost in the depths of melancholy, she wanted to go to him, put her arms around his shaggy white head, and hug him as she had when she was a little girl. But she restrained herself, reluctant to force herself upon him.

Creb missed the affection, though he didn't realize its absence added to his depression. And many times when Creb saw Ayla's pain as she watched another woman nurse her son, he wanted to go to her. If Iza had been alive, she would have found a way to bring them back together, but without such a catalyst, they drifted farther apart, each longing to show their love for the other, and neither knowing how to bridge the gap that separated them. They were both ill at ease during the first morning meal without Uba.

«Do you want more, Creb?» Ayla asked.

«No. No. Don't bother, I've had enough,» he motioned. He watched her cleaning up while Durc dived into a second helping with both hands and a clamshell spoon.

Though just a little more than two years old, he was essentially weaned. He still sought out Oga-and Ika now that she had a new baby again-to nurse for comfort and closeness, and because they let him get away with it. Usually, when a new baby was born, any older children still nursing were cut off, but Ika made an exception in Durc's case. The child seemed to sense not to push his privilege too far. He never drained her, never deprived her new infant of milk, just cuddled up for a few moments as if to prove he had the right.