Jean Auel - The Clan of the Cave Bear

What Ayla needed most was her baby. She not only needed to nurse him, she needed the demands of caring for him to bring her back to reality, to make her understand that life goes on. But when she returned to the cave, Durc was asleep beside Uba. Creb had taken him to Oga to feed again. Ayla tossed and turned, unable to sleep, not even realizing that it was fever and pain that kept her awake. Her mind was turned too deeply inward, dwelling on her sorrow and guilt.

She was gone when Creb woke up. She had wandered out of the cave and climbed the bluff again. Creb could see her from a distance and watched her anxiously, but he couldn't see her weakness, or her fever.

«Should I go after her?» Brun asked, as baffled as Creb by Ayla's reaction.

«She seems to want to be alone. Maybe we should let her,» Creb answered.

He worried about her when he could no longer see her, and when she still hadn't returned by evening, he asked Brun to look for her. Creb was sorry he hadn't let Brun go after her sooner when he saw the leader carrying her back to the cave. Grief and depression had taken their toll, weakness and fever had done the rest. Uba and Ebra cared for the clan's medicine woman. She was delirious, alternately shaking with chills and burning with fever. She cried out if her breasts were barely touched.

«She's going to lose her milk,» Ebra said to the girl. «It's too late for Durc to do any good now. The milk is caked, he can't draw it out.»

«But Durc is too young to be weaned. What will happen to him? What will happen to her?» It might not have been too late if Iza had been alive or if Ayla had been coherent. Even Uba knew there were poultices that might have helped, medicines that might have worked, but she was young and unsure of herself, and Ebra seemed so positive. By the time the fever passed, Ayla's milk had dried up. She could no longer feed her own son.

«I will not have that deformed brat at my hearth, Oga! I will not have him brother to your sons!»

Broud was furious, shaking his fists, and Oga was cowering at his feet.

«But Broud, he's just a baby. He's got to nurse. Aga and Ika don't have enough milk, it wouldn't do any good for them to keep him. I have enough, I've always had too much milk. If he doesn't eat, he'll starve, Broud, he'll die.»

«I don't care if he dies. He should never have been allowed to live in the first place. He will not live at this hearth.»

Oga stopped shaking and stared at the man who was her mate. She didn't really believe he would refuse to let her keep Ayla's baby. She knew he would rant and rave and storm about it, but in the end, she was sure he would allow it. He couldn't be that cruel, he couldn't let a baby starve to death, no matter how much he hated Durc's mother.

«Brood, Ayla saved Brac's life, how can you let her son die?» «Hasn't she gotten enough for saving his life? She was allowed to live, she was even allowed to hunt. I don't owe her anything.»

«She wasn't allowed to live, she was cursed with death. She returned from the world of the spirits because her totem wanted her to, he protected her,» Oga protested.

«If she had been cursed properly, she wouldn't have returned, and she would never have given birth to that brat. If her totem is so strong, why did she lose her milk?

Everyone said her baby would be unlucky. What could be more unlucky than losing his mother's milk? Now you want to bring his bad luck to this hearth. I will not allow it, Oga.

That's final!»

Oga sat back and looked up at Broud with calm deliberation.

«No, Brood,» she motioned. «It's not final.» She was no longer timorous. Broud's expression turned to shocked surprise. «You can keep Durc from living at your hearth; that is your right and I can't do anything about it. But you can't keep me from nursing him. That is a woman's right. A woman may nurse any baby she wants, and no man can keep her from it. Ayla saved my son's life, and I will not let hers die. Durc will be brother to my sons whether you like it or not.»

Broud was stunned. His mate's refusal to abide by his wishes was totally unexpected. Oga had never been insolent, never been disrespectful, never shown the least sign of disobedience. He could hardly believe it. Shock turned to fury.

«How dare you defy your mate, woman. I'll make you leave this hearth!» he stormed.

«Then I will take my sons and leave, Broud. I will beg another man to take me.

Maybe Mog-ur will allow me to live with him if no other man will have me. But I will nurse Ayla's baby.»

His only answer was a sharp blow with a hard fist that knocked her flat. He was too filled with rage for any other reply. He started after her again, then turned on his heel.

I will see about such blatant disrespect, he thought, as he stalked to Brun's hearth.

«First she contaminates Iza, now her willfulness has spread to my mate!» Broud gesticulated the moment he stepped beyond the boundary stones. «I told Oga I would not have Ayla's. son, I told her I did not want that deformed boy as brother to her sons. Do you know what she said? She said she would nurse him anyway! She said I couldn't stop her. She said he would be brother to her sons whether I liked it or not! Can you believe it? From Oga? From my mate?»

«She's right, Broud,» Brun said with controlled calm. «You can't stop her from nursing him. What baby a woman suckles is not a man's concern, it has never been a man's concern. He has more important things to worry about.» Brun was not at all pleased at Broud's violent objection. It was degrading for Broud to be so emotionally concerned in matters that were in a woman's domain. And who else could do it? Durc was Clan, especially after the Bear Festival. And Clan always took care of their own. Even the woman who had come from another clan and never produced a single child was not left to starve after her mate died. She may have had no value, she may have been a burden, but as long as the clan had food, she was given enough to eat.

Broud could refuse to take Durc into his hearth. That imposed the responsibility of providing for him and training him along with Oga's sons. Brun wasn't happy about it, but it wasn't unexpected. Everyone knew how he felt about Ayla and her son. But why should he object if his mate nursed the boy, they were all the same clan?

«Do you mean to tell me that Oga can be willfully disobedient and get away with it?» Broud raged.

«Why should you care, Broud? Do you want the child to die?» Brun asked. Broud flushed at the pointed question. «He is Clan, Broud. For all that his head is misshapen, he does not appear to be retarded. He will grow up to be a hunter. This is his clan. A mate has even been arranged for him, and you agreed. Why are you so emotional about your mate feeding someone else's baby? Is it still Ayla that you're emotional about? You are a man, Broud, whatever you command of her, she must obey. And she does obey you. Why do you compete with a woman? You belittle yourself. Or am I wrong? Are you a man, Broud? Are you man enough to lead this clan?»

«It's just that I don't want a deformed child to be brother to the sons of my mate,» Broud gestured lamely. It was a weak excuse, but he hadn't missed the threat.

«Broud, what hunter has not saved the life of another? What man does not carry a piece of every other man's spirit? What man is not brother to the rest? Does it matter if Durc is brother to your mate's sons now, or after they all grow up? Why do you object?» Broud had no answer, none that would be acceptable to the leader. He could not admit to his all-consuming hatred of Ayla. That would be admitting he wasn't in control of his emotions, admitting he wasn't man enough to be leader. He was sorry he had come to Brun. I should have remembered, he thought. He always takes her side. He was so proud of me at the Clan Gathering. Now, all because of her, he's doubting me again.