Jean Auel - The Clan of the Cave Bear

But what about me? No one has ever come from that clan to ask about me. Maybe they just can't find our cave. I don't think they were all that interested, anyway. I'm glad. I don't want to mate a man I don't know. I don't even want any of the ones I do know, and none of them want me. I'm too tall; even Droog barely reaches my chin. Iza used to wonder if I would ever stop growing. I'm beginning to wonder myself. Broud hates it. He can't stand having a woman around taller than he is. But he hasn't bothered me at all since we got back from the Clan Gathering. Why does it make me shudder every time he looks at me?

Brun's getting old. Ebra's been getting medicine for his sore muscles and stiff joints lately. He's going to make Broud leader soon. I know it. And Goov is going to be mog-ur. He's doing more of the ceremonies all the time. I don't think Creb wants to be mog-ur anymore, not since that time I watched them. Why did I go into the cave that night? I don't even remember how I got there. I wish I had never gone to the Clan Gathering. If I hadn't gone, I might have kept Iza alive for a few more years. I miss her so much, and I never did find a mate. Durc did, though. It's strange that Ura was allowed to live, almost as if she was meant to be Durc's mate. Men of the Others, Oda said. Who are they? Iza said I was born to them; why don't I remember? What happened to my real mother? To her mate? Did I have any siblings? Ayla felt a faint queasiness in the pit of her stomach-not nausea, exactly, just a sense of unease. Then suddenly her scalp crawled when she remembered something Iza had told her the night she died. Ayla had pushed it out of her mind; it was too painful to think about Iza's death.

Iza told me to leave! She said I wasn't Clan, she said I was born to the Others. She told me to find my own people, find my own mate. She said Broud would find a way to hurt me if I stayed. North, she said they live north, beyond the peninsula on the mainland.

How can I leave? This is my home. I can't leave Creb, and Durc needs me. What if I couldn't find any Others? And if I did, they might not want. me anyway. No one wants an ugly woman. How do I know I'd find a mate even if I did find some Others?

Creb is getting old, though. What's going to happen to me when he's gone? Who will provide for me then? I can't just live with Durc, some man will have to take me. But who? Broud! He's going to be leader; if no one else wants me, he'll have to. What if I have to live with Broud? He wouldn't want me either, but he knows I'd hate it. He'd do it just because I'd hate it. I couldn't stand living with Broud, I'd rather live with some man I don't know from another clan, but they don't want me either.

Maybe I should leave. I could take Durc and we could both go. But what if I didn't find any Others? And what if something happened to me? Who would take care of him? He'd be all alone, just like I was. I was lucky that Iza found me; Durc might not be so lucky. I can't take him away, he was born here, he is Clan, even if he is part me, too.

He has a mate arranged for him. What would Ura do if I took Durc away? Oda is training her to be Durc's mate. She's telling her there is a man for her even if she is deformed and ugly. Durc will need Ura, too. He will need a mate when he grows up, and Ura is just right for him.

But I couldn't leave without Durc. I'd rather live with Broud than leave Durc. I have to stay, there's no other way. I'll stay and live with Broud, if I have to. Ayla looked at her sleeping child and tried to compose her mind, tried to be a good Clan woman and accept her fate. A fly landed on Durc's nose. He twitched, rubbed his nose in his sleep, then settled down again.

I wouldn't know where to go anyway. North? What does that tell me? Everything is north of here, only the sea is south. I could wander around for the rest of my life and not find anyone. And they can be as bad as Broud. Oda said those men forced her, didn't even let her put her baby down. It would be better to stay here with a Broud I know, than some man who might be worse.

It's late, I'd better get back. Ayla woke her son, and as she walked back to the cave, tried to push thoughts of Others out of her mind, but stray wisps of wondering kept insinuating themselves. Once recalled, she couldn't quite forget the Others.

«Are you busy, Ayla?» Uba asked. She had an expression that was both shy and pleased, and Ayla guessed why. She decided to let Uba tell her anyway.

«No, I'm not really busy. I've just been mixing some mint and alfalfa and wanted to taste it. Why don't I put some water on for tea.»

«Where's Durc?» Uba asked while Ayla stirred up the fire and added more wood and a few cooking stones.

«He's outside with Grev. Oga's watching them. Those two, they're always, together,» Ayla motioned.

«That's probably because they nursed together. They're closer than brothers.

They're almost like two born together.»

«But two born together often look alike, and they certainly don't. Do you remember that woman at the Clan Gathering with two born together? I couldn't tell them apart.»

«Sometimes it's unlucky to have two born together, and three born together are never allowed to live. How could a woman feed three at one time-she only has two breasts?» Uba questioned.

«With a lot of help. It's enough strain on a woman to have two. I'm grateful Oga has always had plenty of milk, for Durc's sake.»

«I hope I have plenty of milk,» Uba gestured. «I think I'm going to have a baby, Ayla.»

«I thought so, Uba. You haven't had your woman's curse since you were mated, have you?»

«No. I think Vorn's totem has been waiting a long time. It must have been very strong.»

«Have you told him yet?»

«I was going to wait until I was sure, but he guessed. He must have noticed that I didn't go into isolation. He's very happy about it,» Uba motioned proudly.

«Is he a good mate, Uba? Are you happy?»

«Oh, yes. He's a good mate, Ayla. When he found out I was going to have a baby, he told me he waited for me for a long time, and he was glad I didn't waste any time getting one started. He said he asked for me even before I became a woman.» «That's wonderful, Uba,» Ayla said.

She didn't add that there wasn't anyone else in the clan he could have mated, except herself. But why would he want me? Why would he want a big, ugly woman when he could have someone as attractive as Uba, and she was born to Iza's line. What's the matter with me? I never wanted to mate Vorn. I guess I must still be thinking about what will happen to me when Creb is gone. I'm going to have to take good care of him so he lives a long time. It just seems that he doesn't want to live. He hardly ever goes out of the cave anymore. If he doesn't exercise, he won't be able to leave the cave.

«What are you thinking about, Ayla? You've been so quiet lately.»

«I was thinking about Creb. I'm worried about him.»

«He's getting old. He's much older than mother, and she's gone. I still miss her, Ayla. I'm going to hate it when Creb walks in the next world.»

«So will I, Uba,» Ayla gestured with feeling.

Ayla was restless. She hunted often, and when she wasn't hunting, she worked with tireless energy. She couldn't stand not having something to do. She sorted through the stores of medicinal plants and rearranged them, then scoured the countryside to replenish old or used-up medicines, then reorganized the whole hearth. She wove new baskets and mats, made wooden bowls and platters, containers of stiff rawhide or birchbark, made new wraps, cured and dressed new furs, then made leggings, hats, hand and foot coverings for the next winter. She waterproofed bladders and stomachs for water and other liquids, constructed a new frame firmly tied with thong and sinew to support skins for boiling over the fire. She nicked out flat stones to make a deeper well for fat for lamps, and she dried new moss wicks, knapped a new set of knives, scrapers, saws, borers, and axes, searched the seashore for shells to make spoons, ladles, and small dishes. She took her turn traveling with the hunters to dry the meat, gathered fruits, seeds, nuts, and vegetables with the women, winnowed and parched and ground grains to a superfine texture to make it easier for Creb and Durc to chew. And still she couldn't find enough to do.