Лиза Макманн - Wake

For now, anyway.

He knows she might have to go away.

Get away from his dreams, so she can sleep.

But when he dreams the fire dream, and meets her behind the shed, kisses and cries, begging for help, she reaches for his fingers in her blind, numb state and takes him with her into it, so he can watch himself.

She shows him how to change it.

It’ s your dream, she reminds him.

And she shows him how to turn the man on the step, the man who carries the lighter fluid and the cigarette, into the man on the step whose hands are empty, whose head is bowed. Who says, “ I’ m sorry.”

When they both wake, the sun streams in the window.

It’ s 11:21 a.m. On a Wednesday.

They exclaim and laugh, loud and long. Because there’ s not one single parent between them who gives a damn.

Instead, they lounge on a giant beanbag in the computer room together, talking, listening to music.

They play truth or dare.

But it’ s all truth.

For both of them.

Janie: Why did you tell me you wanted to see me that first Sunday after Stratford, and then you didn’ t show?

Cabel: I knew I had to hit that party— I was going to come back early. I didn’ t know we were going to hold a fake bust. I got sent to jail overnight, just to make me look real. I was devastated.

Captain let me out at six the next morning. That’ s when I left the note on Ethel.

Janie: Did you ever sell drugs?

Cabel: Yes. Pot. Ninth and tenth grade. I was, uh… rather troubled, back then.

Janie: Why did you stop?

Cabel: Got busted, and Captain made me a better deal. Janie: So you’ ve been a narc since then? Cabel: I cringe at your terminology. Most narcs are young cops planted in schools to catch students. Captain had a different idea. She’ s not after the students, she’ s after the supplier.

Who happens to be Shay’ s father. And she thought this was a good way to go— since he’ s starting to sell coke to kids at the parties. And implies he’ s got a gold mine somewhere. I’ ve got to get him to say it on mic.

Janie: So you’ re a double agent?

Cabel: Sure. That sounds sexy.

Janie: You’ re sexy. Hey, Cabel?

Cabel: Yeah?

Janie: Did you really flunk ninth grade?

Cabel: No. (pause) I was in the hospital, most of that year. Janie: (silence) And thus, the drugs.

Cabel: Yes… they helped with the pain. But then I got myself into a few, well, uh, situations. And

Captain stepped in my life at exactly the right moment before junior year, before I was too far in trouble. And it sounds weird, but she became sort of this army-type, no-nonsense mother I desperately needed. That was the Goth stage, where I decided I’ d never get the girl of my dreams because of my scars. Not to mention the hairstyle. (pause)

But then she slammed a door handle into my gut. And when a girl does that to a boy, it means she likes him.

Janie: (laughs)

Cabel: So that made me feel better. Because she didn’ t care what people thought if she spoke to me. Before I changed. (pause)

Janie: (smiles) Why did you change it? Your look, I mean.

Cabel: Captain’ s orders. For the job. It’ s not my car, either, by the way. It’ s part of the image. I suppose I’ ll have to give it back after a while. (pause)

Hey, Janie?

Janie: Yeah?

Cabel: What are you doing after high school?

Janie: (sighs) It’ s still up in the air, I guess. In two years, I’ ve barely saved enough money for one semester at U of M… God, that’ s just crazy… so, unless I get a decent scholarship, it’ ll be community college.

Cabel: So you’ re staying around here?

Janie: Yeah… I, uh, I need to be close enough so I can keep an eye on my mother, you know?

And… I think, with my little “ problem,” I’ m going to have to live at home. Or I’ ll never get any sleep. Cabel: Janie?

Janie: Yes?

Cabel: I’ m going there. To U of M.

Janie: You are NOT.

Cabel: Criminal Justice. So I can keep my job here. Janie: How do you know? Did you get an acceptance letter already? How can you afford it?

Cabel: Um, Janie?

Janie: Yesss, Cabel?

Cabel: I have another lie to confess.

Janie: Oh, dear. What is it?

Cabel: I do, actually, know what my GPA is.

Janie: And?

Cabel: And. I have a full-ride scholarship.

Cabel is pushed violently from the beanbag chair. And pounced upon. And told, repeatedly, what a bastard he is.

Janie is told that she will most certainly get a scholarship too, with her grades. Unless she plays hooky with drug dealers.

And then there is some kissing.

December 10, 2005

The weekend is shot. Cabel is back to courting Shay, and Janie is working Friday night, and

Saturday and Sunday first shifts at the nursing home.

But Carrie finds Janie. And Janie, worried that the drug bust will go down over the weekend, really doesn’ t want Carrie mixed up in it. She asks Carrie if she wants to study for exams sometime. They reluctantly agree on Saturday night at Janie’ s.

Carrie shows up around six p.m., and she’ s already loaded. Janie makes her haul out her books and notes, anyway. “ Are you gonna go to college or not?” she asks sharply.

“ Well, sure,” Carrie says. “ I guess. Unless Stu wants to get married.”

“ Does he?”

“ I think so. Maybe. Sometime.”

“ Do you?” Janie asks, after a moment.

“ Sure, why not. Get me away from my parents.”

“ Your parents aren’ t that bad, really. Are they?”

Carrie grimaces. “ You should have seen them before.”

“ Before what?”

“ Before we moved in next door to you.”

Janie hesitates. Trying to decide if this is the right time to ask. “ Hey, Carrie?”

“ What.”

“ Who’ s Carson?”

Carrie stares at Janie. “ What did you just say?”

“ I said, who is Carson?”

Carrie’ s face grows alarmed. “ How do you know about Carson?”

“ I don’ t. Otherwise, I wouldn’ t need to ask.” Janie is walking a thin line here. One she can’ t see.

Carrie, obviously troubled, paces around the kitchen. “ But how did you know to ask me about him?”

“ You said his name once,” Janie says carefully, “ in your sleep. I was just curious.”

Carrie sloshes some vodka in a glass. Sits down. Starts to cry.

Oh, shit, Janie thinks.

And then Carrie spills the story.

“ Carson… was four.”

Janie’ s stomach twists.

“ He drowned. We were camping by a lake… it was… ” Carrie trails off and takes a swallow of her drink. “ He was my little brother. I was ten. I was helping Mom and Dad set up the campsite.”

Janie closes her burning eyes. “ Oh, shit, Carrie.”

“ He wandered down to the lake— we didn’ t notice. And he fell off the dock. We tried… we tried… ” Carrie puts her face in her hands. Takes a long, shuddering breath. “ We moved here a year later.” Her voice turns quiet. “ To start over. We don’ t talk about him.”

Janie puts her arm around Carrie and hugs her. Doesn’ t know what to say. “ I’ m so sorry.”

Carrie nods, and then whispers in a broken voice, “ I should have watched him better.”

“ Oh, honey,” Janie whispers. She holds Carrie close for a moment, until Carrie gently pulls away.

“ It’ s okay.” Carrie sniffles.

Janie, feeling completely helpless, fetches a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom. “ I don’ t have any tissues… Carrie? Why didn’ t you ever tell me?”

Carrie wrings her hands. Blows her nose. Sniffles. “ I don’ t know, Janers. I thought it would go away. I was so tired… so tired of being sad. I couldn’ t stand any more silent, pitying looks.”