Аманда Хокинг - Flutter

“That’s a good question.” Bobby exhaled and stared off, thinking. “I don’t know really. As long as it still feels good, it’s a pretty hard thing to convince somebody to stop. I think it has to start hurting her, and then you have to keep reminding her how much it hurts.”

“How does it hurt her?” I wrinkled my nose. “I know that it’s killing her, but she’s unaware of that.

Like, any time she feels like crap, she just gets bit, and then feels better, right?”

“Not exactly,” Bobby shook his head. “Immediately after, you feel really good. But shortly after that is when you feel the worst. The loss of blood really damages your body, and you start to feel what it’s going through. And then you also have the residuals of the vampire you’re with, and if your friend is picking up random John’s at the club, they’re probably mostly dicks. Meaning she’s left with none of the euphoria but all of their emotions and how they feel about you, which is usually pretty shitty. It’s after that, after the bad feelings fade and you get your strength back, that’s when you go back to the club. You forget how bad they made you feel, how incredibly weak you were, and for some reason, all you can remember is the pleasure of the bite.”

“Huh.” I eyed him suspiciously, and he noticed, so he shrugged sheepishly. “Not that your information hasn’t been helpful, but I’m starting to think you picked up a lot more vampires than you let on.”

“It’s different with Milo,” Bobby insisted with a wounded look in his eyes. “Honest. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s more than that. Than just biting and fooling around. So… Please don’t tell him, okay?

He knows that he’s not the first vampire I was with, but he doesn’t know how many were before him. And I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him to think that’s what this is about, because it’s not.”

“I won’t tell him unless I think it’s relevant. So just don’t make it relevant,” I allowed, staring at him evenly. He nodded, realizing that was about the most he could get from me.

“This is a pretty awesome place,” Bobby said randomly, changing the subject. He had moved onto making coffee, and the coffee maker looked brand new. Mae had probably bought it especially for him, so he must not be all bad if she approved of him. “And Mae is amazing. How is she doing today?”

“I haven’t seen her.” I glanced back over my shoulder towards her room, and I tried to listen for the sound of her over the coffee pot gurgling, but I couldn’t hear anything. “Have you?”

“No, but if Ezra left, I didn’t think it would be that bad,” Bobby said.

The kitchen smelled completely of coffee, and I felt an odd pang of knowing I couldn’t drink any. I had never really liked coffee, but I loved the smell of it, and it was weird knowing that I couldn’t drink it. My stomach gave me a sharp pain, reminding me that I didn’t want any of that anyway. Bobby suddenly seemed to smell stronger, and I pushed it back. This was just my body’s attempts to convince me I was hungry, but I shouldn’t be yet, and even if I was, I had to learn to get control of my hunger instead of letting it control me.

“You okay?” Bobby looked at me with concern.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I shook my head to clear it. “I think I’m just gonna get a shower.

But, um, it was nice talking to you, and I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, alright,” Bobby said, but he still looked worried. He was definitely a good match for Milo.

When I went upstairs, Matilda started following me again. For some reason, she assumed that every time I went anywhere, Jack would be there waiting. Maybe I spent too much time with him, although lately, it wasn’t really feeling like I spent any time with him. I had just gotten back from a trip, and then he left again. In his room, with all his things, my heart throbbed at the thought of him. Matilda jumped on his bed, covering his blankets with her white fur, and sniffing about, as if he was hidden amongst them.

I sighed and started rummaging around my room for something to change into. In all honesty, I wouldn’t mind a shower, but I didn’t really feel like going through all the trouble of getting ready. What was the point? I’d most likely spend the day watching TV or reading or something. Nothing worth getting gussied up for. Maybe if I was lucky, I could get Milo and Bobby to hang out with me, if they weren’t too busy with each other.

That was another thing. What kind of cruel world was it where my little brother got to have sex and mess around with his boyfriend any time he wanted, and my boyfriend was stuck sleeping in the den every night? Sure, I was still sorely lacking in self-control, whereas Milo had always been a master of that, but come on! A girl has needs! While Jack was gone, I vowed to work on getting myself under control, so when he came back, we could move onto the next phase of our relationship. Namely, the really fun stuff.

Instead of doing anything fun, I spent my time curled up in Mae’s bed with her. She was unnaturally quiet, so I mostly just sat in silence with her. Eventually, Milo came in her room later on, and that helped. He was always much better with people in crisis than I was, and for some reason, he was bonded incredibly close to her. I was starting to think that maybe he was her favorite, but that didn’t bother me so much, because I was Jack’s favorite, and that’s all that really mattered.

Bobby didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with Mae when she was like that, and that made sense. She was nearly inconsolable, and he hadn’t known her that long. I ended up making an escape once Milo had her sitting up. He put on Houseboat starring Raquel Welch on her TV, and that got her talking about her plans to buy a houseboat for the lake someday. Her cheeks were still puffy from crying, but I hadn’t seen a real tear in hours. And with Milo there, she had even hinted at a smile a few times.

That left me to further bond with Bobby. We played some war game on the Xbox, which I seriously sucked at, but he didn’t yell at me once. When I played with Jack, he could usually manage about twenty minutes of it before he was suggesting that sit out this turn and let Milo play instead. It was nice being tolerated and killing Nazi’s.

Before going to bed, I tried calling and texting Jane a few times. She didn’t answer or reply, but I hadn’t expected anything different. I’m pretty sure she was pissed at me, although I didn’t really know why.

Maybe she hated me for introducing her to vampires, or maybe she hated me for not introducing her sooner.

I don’t know. She was usually pretty easy to get a read on. Her life revolved around boys, clothes, and getting drunk or high or something. I hadn’t interfered with any of those things, so she didn’t have anything to hold against me.

Jack texted me letting me know he loved me and they’d be getting on a plane soon. I thought about staying up to wait for him, but then I figured that falling asleep would make the time go faster. I crawled in his bed and couldn’t wait for him to get home.

I felt him the instant he came in the house. My heart pounded with happiness, and I opened my eyes.

Jack was home, and he’d only been gone for a day, but it felt like much longer. Running my fingers through my hair, I jumped out of bed. I could’ve spent time trying to look better, but it was only two in the afternoon.

He couldn’t really expect much more from me, and I knew he’d actually be heading to bed pretty quickly himself.

As soon as I stepped out of my room, I heard them arguing. They weren’t shouting, but they weren’t doing anything to be quiet about it either. I still wanted to run down and greet Jack, but I decided that my time would be better spent at the top of the steps eavesdropping.