Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

N o1 noticed both Artemis and Holly’s awkward expressions and took pity on them.

‘I suppose you could keep one thing, if you must. A small garment, but make sure it’s your colour, because you could be wearing it for a really long time.’

Though they both knew that this was no time for modesty, neither Artemis nor Holly could suppress a blush. Holly covered her embarrassment by tearing off her shimmer suit as quickly as possible.

‘I’m keeping the one-piece,’ she said belligerently, daring N o1 to argue. The one-piece looked similar to a swimsuit, but was padded on the shoulders and back to support a wing rig. There were also heat and kinetic panels, which could absorb energy from the wearer to power the suit.

‘OK,’ said N o1. ‘But I would advise you to remove the pads and any other electronics.’

Holly nodded, tearing the pads from their Velcro strips.

Artemis gathered Holly’s things.

‘I will put your helmet and suit in the safe, just to be certain they are secure. No need to take chances with the People’s technology.’

‘Now you’re thinking like a centaur,’ Foaly piped up.

It took only a minute to hide the fairy gear, and when he returned from the safe room, Artemis took off his shirt and trousers carefully, hanging them in his wardrobe. He placed his loafers on a shoe rack alongside several similar black pairs, and one brown, for casual days.

‘Nice underwear,’ snickered Foaly from the screen, momentarily forgetting the gravity of the situation.

Artemis was wearing a pair of red Armani boxer shorts, which were pretty much the same colour as his face.

‘Can we get on with it?’ he snapped. ‘Where do you need us to stand?’

‘Wherever you need to be,’ replied N o1 simply. ‘It’s far easier for me if you take off and land at the same point. It’s hard enough shooting you off down a wormhole faster than the speed of light without worrying about location too.’

‘We are in the right location,’ said Artemis. ‘This is where we need to be.’

‘You need to know when you want to arrive,’ added N o1. ‘The temporal co-ordinates are as important as the geographical ones.’

‘I know when.’

‘Very well,’ said N o1, rubbing his hands together. ‘Time to send you on your way.’

Holly remembered something. ‘I haven’t completed the Ritual,’ she said. ‘I’m low on magic, and without weapons that could be a problem. We don’t have an acorn.’

‘Not to mention a bend in the river,’ added Artemis.

N o1 smirked. ‘Those things could be problems. Unless …’

A spiral rune on the demon’s forehead glowed red and spun like a Catherine wheel. It was hypnotizing.

‘Wow,’ said Holly. ‘That’s really …’

Then a pulsing beam of crimson magic blasted from the centre of the rune, enveloping Holly in a cocoon of light.

‘Now you’re full to the brim,’ said N o1, bowing low. ‘Thank you very much. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your goblins and bury those acorns.’

‘Wow,’ said Holly again, when her fingertips stopped buzzing. ‘That’s a neat trick.’

‘More than you know. That’s my own signature magic. The Number One cocktail if you like, which makes you a beacon in the time stream.’

Artemis shuffled self-consciously. ‘How long do we have?’

N o1 gazed at the ceiling while he ran some calculations. ‘Three hundred years… No, no, three days. Holly can bring you back at any point before that simply by making herself open to my power, but after three days the link grows weaker.’

‘Is there anything we can do about that?’

‘Let’s face facts: all-powerful I may be, but I’m a novice at this, so taking off from where you landed is vital. If you go beyond three days, then you are stuck in the past.’

‘If we do get separated, couldn’t Holly come back and get me?’ wondered Artemis.

‘No, she could not,’ said N o1. ‘It would be impossible for you to meet at a point neither of you had experienced. This is a one-time deal only. It will take everything I have to hold you together for this trip. Any more and your atoms would lose their memory and simply forget where it is they are supposed to go. Both of you have already been in the time stream twice. I can transport objects forever and a day, but living beings break down without a warlock in the stream to shield them.’

Holly asked a very pertinent question. ‘Number One, have you done this before?’

‘Of course,’ said the demon. ‘Several times. On a simulator. And two of the holograms survived.’

Artemis’s determination barely flickered. ‘Two survived. The last two?’

‘No,’ admitted N o1. ‘The last two were trapped in a time wormhole and consumed by quantum zombies.’

Holly felt her pointy ears tingle, always a bad sign. Elfin ears could sense danger.

‘Quantum zombies? You’re not serious.’

‘That’s what I said to Qwan. He wrote the program.’

‘This is irrelevant,’ said Artemis sharply. ‘We have no option but to go.’

‘Very well,’ said N o1, flexing his fingers. He bent his knees, resting his entire body weight on the tip of his tail.

‘Power posture,’ he explained. ‘I do some of my best work in this position.’

‘So does Mulch Diggums,’ muttered Foaly. ‘Quantum zombies. I need to get a copy of that program.’

A red haze blossomed around the demon warlock, tiny lightning bolts crackling across his horns.

‘He’s powering up,’ said Foaly from the screens. ‘You’ll be off any second. Remember, try not to touch anything you don’t have to. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t contact me in the past. I have no desire not to exist.’

Artemis nodded. ‘I know. Make as little impact as possible, in case the time paradox theory has some merit.’

Holly was impatient to get going. ‘Enough science. Just blast us into the past. We’ll bring the monkey back.’

‘Lemur,’ said Artemis and Foaly together.

N o1 closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were pure crimson.

‘OK, ready to go,’ he said conversationally.

Artemis blinked. He was expecting N o1 ’s voice of power to be a bit less squeaky.

‘Are you sure?’

N o1 groaned. ‘I know. It’s the voice, isn’t it? Not enough gravel. Qwan says I should go for less airy and more fairy. Trust me, I’m ready. Now hold hands.’

Artemis and Holly stood together in their underwear, gingerly locking fingers. They had crossed space and time together, weathered rebellions and tangled with demented despots. Coughed blood, lost digits, inhaled dwarf fumes and swapped eyeballs, yet they found holding hands awkward.

N o1 knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t resist a parting crack.

‘I now pronounce you …’

Neither hand-holder was amused, but before they had time to do more than scowl, twin bolts of red energy crackled from N o1 ’s eyes, blasting his friends into the time stream.

‘Man and elf,’ he said, finishing his joke, then chuckling delightedly.

On screen, Foaly snorted. ‘I’m guessing you’re laughing to cover your anxiety?’

‘Exactly right,’ said N o1.

Where Artemis and Holly had been standing there were flickering copies of them both, mouths open to object to N o1’s comment.

‘That really freaks me out, the ghost images. It’s like they’re dead.’

Foaly shuddered. ‘Don’t say that. If they’re dead, we all could be. How soon will they be back?’ ‘In about ten seconds.’ ‘And if they’re not back in ten seconds?’ ‘Then never.’ Foaly started counting.

THEREis a moment of confusion when a land animal enters the water. Beast, human or fairy, it doesn’t matter. The surface is broken and every sense is suddenly shocked. The cold stings, motion slows and the eyes are filled with smears of colour and the snap of bursting bubbles. The time stream is like that moment sustained.