Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

Not N o1, though, who had no limb-chomping ambitions whatsoever. He was something of an anomaly among demons. N o1 loved everyone, even humans, especially Artemis Fowl, who had saved them all from the deathly dreariness of Limbo, not to mention Leon Abbot, the psychopathic ex-tribe leader.

So when the call came through to Section Eight that Artemis needed him, N o1 had strapped himself into the division’s shuttle and demanded to be taken above ground. Wing Commander Vinyáya had agreed, because disagreeing could lead to all sorts of magical tantrums from the fledgling warlock. Once, in a fit of frustration, N o1 had accidentally shattered the magnifying wall of the city’s huge aquarium. Fairies were still finding minnows in their toilet ponds.

You can go, Vinyáya had told him, but only if you take a squad of guards to hold your hand every step of the way.

Which did not literally mean hold his hand, as N o1 had found out when he tried to link with the captain of the guard.

‘But Commander Vinyáya said,’ he’d objected.

‘Stow the hand, demon,’ ordered the captain. ‘There’ll be no hand-holding on my watch.’

And so N o1 appeared to approach Fowl Manor alone, though he was flanked by a dozen shielded fairies. Halfway up the avenue he remembered to shroud his real appearance with a shape-shifting spell. Any human who happened to be looking down the driveway would now see a small boy in flowing flowered robes strolling towards the front door. This was an image N o1 had seen in a human movie from the last century, and he thought it was appropriately non-threatening.

Miss Book happened to appear at the doorway just as N o1 reached it. The sight of him stopped the nurse/publicist in her tracks. She tugged off her glasses as though they were feeding false information to her eyes.

‘Hello there, little boy,’ she said, smiling, though she probably would not have been so jolly had she been aware of the twelve plasma rifles pointed at her head.

‘Hi,’ said N o1 cheerily. ‘I love everyone, so no need to feel threatened.’

Miss Book’s smiled faltered. ‘Threatened? Of course not. Are you looking for someone? Are you playing dress-up?’

Artemis appeared at the doorway, interrupting the conversation.

‘Ah… Ferdinand, where have you been?’ he said, quickly shepherding N o1 past the nurse. ‘This is the gardener’s boy, Ferdinand,’ he explained. ‘A dramatic type. I’ll summon his father to collect him.’

‘Good idea,’ said Miss Book doubtfully. ‘I know your mother’s room is sealed, but don’t let him upstairs all the same.’

‘Of course not,’ said Artemis. ‘I’ll send him out the back way.’

‘Good,’ said the nurse. ‘I just need a breath of fresh air, then I will come to check on your mother.’

‘Take your time,’ said Artemis. ‘I can read the instruments.’

I designed a few of them, he thought.

As soon as Miss Book disappeared round the corner, Artemis escorted his demon friend up the stairs.

‘We’re going upstairs,’ objected N o1 mildly. ‘Didn’t that young lady tell you not to allow me upstairs?’

Artemis sighed. ‘How long have you known me, Number One?’

N o1 nodded craftily. ‘Ah, I see. Artemis Fowl never does what he is told to do.’

Holly greeted N o1 on the landing, but refused to hug him until he dropped the shape-shifting spell.

‘I hate the feel of those things,’ she said. ‘It’s like hugging a wet sponge.’

N o1 pouted. ‘But I enjoy being Ferdinand. Humans smile at me.’

Artemis assured him that there was no surveillance in his study and so the demon warlock waited until the door was closed behind them, then banished the spell with a click of his fingers. Ferdinand unravelled and fell from N o1 ’s body in a flurry of sparks, leaving the small grey demon warlock wearing nothing but a wide grin.

Holly hugged him tightly.

‘I knew you would come. We need you desperately.’

N o1 stopped smiling. ‘Ah, yes. Artemis’s mother. Does she want a magical cure?’

‘That’s the last thing she wants,’ said Holly.

Once the situation was explained to N o1, he immediately agreed to help.

‘You are in luck, Artemis,’ said the little demon, wiggling his eight fingers. ‘I did a module on time travel last week on the warlock diploma course I’m taking.’

‘Small class, I bet,’ commented Artemis drily.

‘Just me,’ admitted N o1. ‘And Qwan, of course, my teacher. Apparently, I am the most powerful warlock Qwan has ever seen.’

‘Good,’ said Artemis. ‘Then transporting us all into the past shouldn’t pose any problems for you.’

Foaly had projected himself on to five of Artemis’s various monitors. ‘All?’ spluttered each image. ‘All! You can’t take Number One with you.’

Artemis was not in the mood for argument. ‘I need him, Foaly. End of discussion.’

Foaly looked as though his head would bulge through the screens. ‘It is most certainly not end of discussion. Holly is an adult — she can make her own decision — but Number One is little more than a child. You cannot jeopardize him on one of your missions. A lot of hopes rest on that little demon. The future of the fairy families.’

‘None of us will have a future if Number One doesn’t take us to the past.’

‘Please stop,’ said N o1. ‘All this arguing is making me dizzy. There is no time for it.’

Artemis’s face was red, but he held his tongue, unlike Foaly who kept shouting, but at least he muted the screens.

‘Foaly needs to vent,’ explained Holly, ‘or he gets headaches.’

The three waited until the centaur calmed himself, then N o1 spoke: ‘In any event, I cannot go with you, Artemis. That’s not how it works.’

‘But you transported us from Limbo.’

‘Qwan did that. He is a master; I am but an apprentice. And, anyway, we had no desire to go back to Limbo. If you wish to return here, I need to stay as a marker.’

‘Explain,’ said Artemis tersely.

N o1 spread his arms wide. ‘I am a beacon,’ he declared. ‘A shining supernova of power. Any magic I release into the ether will be attracted back to me. I send you into the past, and you will snap back to me like puppies on a leash.’ N o1 frowned, not happy with his simile. ‘One of those retractable leashes.’

‘Yes, we get it,’ said Artemis. ‘How long will it take to weave the spell?’

N o1 chewed his lip for a moment. ‘About as long as it takes you two to remove your clothing.’

‘Hurkk,’ said Artemis, half-choking with surprise.

‘D’Arvit,’ swore Holly.

‘I think we all know what D’Arvit means,’ said N o1. ‘But hurkk is not English. Unless you meant hark, which means to listen or to remember something from the past. Which I suppose could be relevant. Or perhaps you were speaking Dutch, and then hurk would translate as squat.’ N o1 paused for a wink. ‘Which means squat to me.’

Artemis leaned close to the demon’s cornet-shaped ear. ‘Why do we need to take our clothes off?’

‘That is a very good question,’ said Holly into the other ear.

‘It’s quite simple,’ said N o1. ‘I am not so skilled as Qwan. And even with Qwan overseeing the last transfer, you two managed to switch an eye each, which was probably because someone was focusing on stealing magic. If you take clothes or guns in there, they could become a part of you.’ The demon raised a stiff finger. ‘Lesson number one of time transfers,’ he stated. ‘Keep it simple. It’s going to take all of your concentration just to reassemble your bodies. And you will be thinking for the lemur too.’