Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

‘Calm yourself, Captain,’ said Artemis, unconsciously patronizing. ‘He stays outside. I saw it with my own eyes.’

‘Saw what with your own eyes?’ asked Butler, who had appeared in the archway behind them, having let himself in through the adjoining bedroom door.

Artemis felt his pulse throb in his fingertips. How could this be? This was not the way it happened. Artemis had never been on the receiving end of Butler’s glare before, and understood for the first time just how terrifying his bodyguard could be.

‘You two kids have been helping yourselves to the Fowl wardrobe I see,’ continued Butler, without waiting for an answer to his question. ‘Now, are you going to cause a fuss or are you going to come quietly? Let me give you a hint, the correct answer is come quietly.’

Magic is the only way out, Holly realized.

She twisted her chin sharply to call on her fairy power. If she couldn’t stun Butler, she would mesmerize him.

‘Stand down, human,’ she intoned, voice loaded with hypnotic magic. But the mesmer is a two-pronged attack, audio and visual. Butler could hear the magical words but eye contact was not consistent in the shadows.

‘What?’ he said, surprised. ‘How did you …’

The hulking bodyguard had been drugged enough times to realize that his will was being sapped. Somehow these kids were putting him under. He staggered backwards, his shoulder bashing against the arch.

‘Sleep, Butler,’ said the little one in the star-ship-trooper wig.

She knows me?

This was serious. These two had done some surveillance and decided to break in anyway.

I have to neutralize them before I pass out, thought Butler. If I go down, Master Artemis and Mrs Fowl are defenceless.

He had two options: fall on the midget burglars, or shoot them with the tranquillizer pistol he was carrying for the planned animal abduction at Rathdown Park.

He chose the second option. At least tranquillizer darts would not smother these two or crush their bones. Butler felt mildly guilty about his decision to trank a couple of kids, but not overly so; after all, he worked for Artemis Fowl and knew exactly how dangerous children could be.

The star-ship trooper came out of the shadows, and Butler could see her eyes clearly. One blue, one tawny.

‘Sleep, Butler,’ she said again, in that melodious layered voice. ‘Aren’t your eyelids heavy? Sleep.’

She’s hypnotizing me! Butler realized. He dragged out the pistol with fingers that felt as though they had been dipped in molten rubber, then sprinkled with ball bearings.

‘You sleep,’ he mumbled, then shot the girl in the hip.

Holly stared in disbelief at the hypodermic dart sticking out of her leg.

‘Not again,’ she moaned, then collapsed to the floor. Butler’s head cleared immediately.

The other intruder did not move an inch.

The little girl is the professional of the two, thought Butler, climbing to his feet. I wonder what this scruffy individual contributes to the partnership.

Artemis quickly saw that he had no choice but to reveal his identity and enlist Butler as an ally.

This will be difficult. I have nothing more than a passing resemblance to my younger self as proof.

Still, he had to try before his plan unravelled utterly.

‘Listen, Butler,’ he began. ‘I have something to tell you …’

Butler didn’t entertain another word. ‘No, no, no,’ he said briskly, shooting Artemis in the shoulder. ‘No more talking from either of you.’

Artemis pulled out the dart, but it was too late. The tiny reservoir of sedative was empty.

‘Butler!’ he gasped, dropping to his knees. ‘You shot me.’

‘Everyone knows my name,’ sighed the bodyguard, bending to sling the intruders over his shoulders.

‘I am intrigued,’ said ten-year-old Artemis Fowl, studying the two individuals in the Bentley’s boot. ‘Something extraordinary has happened here.’

‘Hardly extraordinary,’ said Butler, checking the girl’s pulse. ‘Two thieves somehow broke into the manor.’

‘They bypassed all the security. Not so much as a blip on the motion sensors?’

‘Nothing. I just happened on them during a routine sweep. Hiding in the shadows, wearing cast-offs from the wardrobe.’

Artemis tapped his chin. ‘Hmm. So, you didn’t find their clothes.’

‘Not a stitch.’

‘Which would mean that they broke in here and bypassed security in their underwear.’

‘That is extraordinary,’ admitted Butler.

Artemis took a penlight from his jacket pocket, shining it on Holly, setting the strands of her silver wig sparkling like a disco ball. ‘There’s something about this one. Her bone structure is very unusual. The cheekbones are high — Slavic, perhaps — and the brow is wide and childlike. But the proportion of skull to torso is adult, not infant.’

Butler chuckled low in his throat. ‘So, they’re aliens?’

‘The young man is human, but she’s something else,’ said Artemis thoughtfully. ‘Genetically enhanced, perhaps.’ He moved the beam of light along her cheekbone. ‘See here. The ears are pointed. Amazing.’

Artemis felt an excitement buzzing on his forehead. Something was happening here. Something important. There were surely serious amounts of money to be earned from this situation.

He rubbed his palms briskly. ‘Very well. I cannot be distracted by this now. Long-term, this strange creature could make our fortune, but right now we need to get that lemur.’

Butler was crestfallen, but covered it by slamming the boot. ‘I had hoped we could forget the monkey. I was trained in several forms of martial arts, none of them had a monkey defence.’

‘It’s a lemur, Butler. And I am aware that you believe this operation is beneath us, but my father’s life is at stake.’

‘Of course, Artemis. Whatever you say.’

‘Exactly. So, here is the plan. We will proceed to Rathdown Park as planned and after we have done the deal with the Extinctionists, then I can decide what to do with our two guests. I presume they will be safe in the boot?’

Butler snorted. ‘Are you kidding?’

Artemis did not smile. ‘Perhaps you have not noticed, Butler. I rarely kid. ’

‘As you say, young master. You are not a kidder. Maybe some day, eh?’

‘Perhaps when I find my father.’

‘Yes. Perhaps then. Anyway, to answer your question. This is your father’s car and there have been more prisoners in this boot than you’ve had birthdays. Mafiya, Triad, Yakuza, Tijuana Cartel, Hell’s Angels. You name the gang and a couple of them have spent a night in this boot. In fact, your father had it specially modified. There’s air-conditioning, a stay-cool light, soft suspension and even drinking water.’

‘Is it secure? Remember our captives already broke into the manor.’

Butler closed the boot. ‘Titanium lock, reinforced door. No way out whatsoever. Those two are staying in there until we let them out.’

‘Excellent,’ said Artemis, sliding into the Bentley’s rear seat. ‘Just give me a moment to do this one little thing, then let’s forget about them and concentrate on the lemur.’

‘Excellent,’ echoed Butler, and then under his breath: ‘Monkey business. My favourite.’

RATHDOWN PARK, COUNTY WICKLOW, IRELAND

Even though Holly was five kilograms lighter than Artemis, she came to her senses before him. She was glad to be awake, as her dream had been terrible. While asleep, her knees and elbows had struck the metal walls of the Bentley’s boot and she’d imagined herself in an LEP submarine.