Patrick McLean - How To Succeed in Evil

Edwin is surprised to find that he is not afraid. Ever since Agnes’ death, long forgotten feelings and emotions have coursed through him. Most of these spasms have been unpleasant. He has struggled, not only to keep control of his thoughts, but to remember the words that are used to describe emotions. It has been so long since he felt anger, greed, hope, fear, sadness, joy — any of them. But now, Edwin is calm, resolved, resigned to his fate.

“Jesus, you can’t go home again can ya?” says Topper, as he emerges from the darkness.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for you, you morose bastard. I was worried I would find you here. This is no good for you. Lingering in the past.”

Now Edwin feels a little fear. But not for himself. “You should go. It’s not safe.”

“Well if it’s not safe for me, then it’s certainly not safe for you. You’re not as resourceful as I am.”

“Excelsior is coming for me.”

“Then what are you doing here? You gotta run. You gotta hide.”

Edwin smiles at his little friend. “No Topper, the time for running and hiding — the time for playing it small — has passed. This is the reckoning.”

There is a beeping. It is the sound of a large truck backing up. Men in white jumpsuits, throw open the doors. Inside is the Cromoglodon. He senses a chance at freedom and roars, rattling the panels of the truck that contains him.

Edwin reaches into his pocket and triggers the fear. The Cromoglodon moves to the back of the truck and cowers. Edwin reaches out to the beast. “It’s all right,” he says, even as his hand stays firm on the trigger. The Cromoglodon moves towards him. Edwin lowers the intensity of the fear. When the Cromoglodon touches him, Edwin deactivates the electrodes. Relief floods through the Cromoglodon, and he holds Edwin’s hand, weeping with joy.

“You see,” Edwin says, “He is not completely lost. He is trainable. All that is needed is the proper reinforcement mechanism. We may yet civilize him.” Edwin gives The Cromoglodon a pat on the head, as one might pat a dog, and walks away. The Cromoglodon shuffles after him on his knees. Unwilling to leave his master’s side.

“Oh,” says Topper, “Okay, you’re gonna get revenge for what Excelsior did to Agnes. I like to see that passion in you Edwin. Revenge is what keeps me young.”

“Revenge isn’t the point Topper. There is work to be done here. My work. And even if I find pleasure in it, it must be done all the same.”

“But what if the Cromoglodon can’t kill Excelsior. What if Excelsior can’t be killed?”

Edwin sets his jaw. A slight tension ripples across his brow. “Then we are doomed.”

There is a sonic boom and Excelsior appears before them.

“Windsor, I’m going to enjoy this,” says Excelsior.

Edwin gives the Cromoglodon a little pat on the shoulder, “Go on. Get him.” The Cromoglodon looks unsure.

“Look at me Windsor,” says Excelsior.

But Edwin is still coaxing the Cromoglodon. “It’s okay. You go ahead.”

Excelsior lunges for Edwin. His fingers stop, mere millimeters from Edwin’s throat. No one is more surprised at this than Edwin. He and Excelsior look down. The Cromoglodon has grabbed Excelsior. For a moment, all is still. Then the Cromoglodon lifts Excelsior into the air and slams him into the ground. The concussion knocks Edwin and Topper from their feet.

Excelsior is hurt, but he’s not stunned. He’s been thinking about the last time this happened. And he’s got a few more things to try. The last time, he had tried to match brute strength with brute strength. He won’t make that mistake again. Even as he feels his ribs compress as they contact the ground, beams of energy leap out from his eyes. The smell of burning flesh fills his nostrils. He laughs. The Cromoglodon’s face is burning.

The Cromoglodon bellows in pain. He takes his other hand and smashes the palm of it into Excelsior’s face. His fingers find Excelsior’s eyeballs and press. Excelsior blinks. It’s an involuntary reflex. The back of Excelsior’s eyeballs get hot and he lets the beams drop. Using his legs, he kicks the Cromoglodon high into the air. As the beast recedes into the sky, Excelsior realizes that the Cromoglodon’s shirt is displaying an advertisement for painkillers.

As they watch the struggle, Topper turns to Edwin and says, “Let’s make it interesting. I’ll put twenty dollars on Excelsior.”

Edwin does not look away from the fight. “If Excelsior wins, he’s going to kill me.”

“Yeah, right, so you’re clearly betting on the other guy,” says Topper, still cheery.

“And he’ll probably kill you as well.”

“Ah whatever. At least I’ll die twenty dollars richer. And that way I'll be less upset about getting killed," Topper says with a smile.

The Cromoglodon literally hits the ground running. As he lumbers towards towards Excelsior, the caped hero fills his lungs with air. The Cromoglodon bellows with rage and braces for impact, but he never gets there. Hurricane force winds hold him back as Excelsior breathes out. The Cromoglodon fights against the current of air. His fingers clench and unclench in frustration. He’s dying to get a hold on Excelsior.

Edwin says to Topper, “You see, one-dimensional thinking. If the Cromoglodon would only step to the side. ”

“Yeah. I think you should just pay up now,” says Topper.

Excelsior grows red in the face and starts to sputter. He has run out of aier, but the Cromoglodon has not run out of anger. He crashes into Excelsior. Using his forearms like an ape, he bludgeons him to the ground. Excelsior rolls out from underneath the blows and soars into the sky. The Cromoglodon stands there, trying to figure out what’s going on. Now he’s all worked up. He wants something to smash. But the something he was smashing just flew away.

“I can’t believe it!” says Topper. “The BUM! He ran away. What a cowar—” Before Topper can finish his sentence, Excelsior comes streaking out of the sky and hits the Cromoglodon at a terrific speed. The Cromoglodon is pushed backwards. His feet leave large furrows in the earth, but he does not fall. He whirls to face his attacker, but Excelsior is already gone.

Excelsior swoops down and hits him again. This time The Cromoglodon slumps to a knee. He coughs up some blood.

“I got some bad news,” says Topper. “I think I’m winnin’ twenty bucks.”

This time, Excelsior is really cooking. He means to break the Cromoglodon’s spine. No more holding back. He gets in the slot and pours it on. It feels good. But just as he is about to hit the Cromoglodon, something happens. His target disappears. Then earth leaps up and hits him in the face. Then it does it again. And again. Things go black.

The Cromoglodon has grabbed Excelsior by the cape. He’s beating Excelsior against the ground like a rug. A very dirty rug that the Cromoglodon is very, very angry with.

Topper tries to hand Edwin a $20 bill. Edwin ignores him.

Now Excelsior is unconscious on the ground. The Cromoglodon stands over him brandishing a large hunk of building over his head. He gives a triumphant roar. As he steps forward to deliver the coup de grace Edwin triggers the fear.

The Cromoglodon drops the stone and scurries to Edwin’s side. In the Cromoglodon’s mind, Edwin does not cause the pain. Edwin is the one who stops the pain. Edwin has worked hard to cultivate this illusion. “That’s enough,” he says.

Edwin reaches into his pocket for a walkie-talkie. He keys the mike and says, “We’re a go.” Men in jumpsuits emerge from the truck. They rush to Excelsior and put him on a stretcher and bring him to Edwin. “Is he dead?” Edwin asks.

As if in response, Excelsior stirs slightly. From a long way away he asks, “What are you going to do to me?”