Patrick McLean - How To Succeed in Evil

Edwin nods.

“All right then.” Judge Perkins sits. “Commence.” Perkins pounds the gavel a few times. “Court’s in session.”

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury,” Topper begins with a flourish of the hands. “My client is an ordinary, hard-working businessman. Perhaps his talents are unusual. He does have clients that are far from ordinary. But he is a businessman, a man of trade, if you will. He has never been convicted of any crime. In fact, the only time he has ever been charged is for an illegal right on red. And the case was thrown out, because while the turn was, in fact, illegal, the sign that indicated this to the general public had fallen into disrepair.”

“Objection! The counsel for the defense can’t see how this can possibly be relevant to the matter at the bar.”

“Your honor,” Topper answers with infinite courtesy, “We all know what an upstanding member of the community Excelsior is. I am trying to emphasize that, in the eyes of the law, these two men are exactly the same. My client is tax-paying, law-abiding, as honest as the day is—”

“Enough,” says Judge Perkins. “You’ve made your point. Objection overruled. Move along.”

But Topper has no desire to move along. Because when he said, “As honest as the day,” Excelsior had snickered. Topper’s not about to let that go. “Excuse me, I didn’t quite catch that,” he says to Excelsior

“My client didn’t say anything,” says McEllroy.

“Well of course you’d defend him. You’re his defense attorney aren’t you Lee? Can you read that back from the record?” Topper asks the court reporter.

“I have it as a snigger,” says the court reporter.

“A snicker?” asks Topper.

“No, no a snigger. Two g’s”

“A snigger? Really?”

“Your honor please,” protests the defense.

“I thought you would never ask.” The Judge Perkins drops his gavel. “Objection granted.”

“He didn’t object,” objects Topper.

“Well then I’m objecting. Strike this nonsense from the record.”

“Your honor, he laughed at my client.”

“Sniggered,” says the court reporter.

Judge Perkins’ head swims a little. Not five minutes into the trial and it was already falling apart. “Sniggered, snickered or guffawed, I want it struck from the record! As far as I’m concerned and the jury is concerned, it never happened. You got it?”

Topper says nothing.

“Now would you like to continue with your opening statement or can we strike the rest of that from the record?” says Judge Perkins.

“I’d like to continue, if it please the court,” says Topper. The judge, beyond speech, waves his hand — get on with it already. “My client, is not a villain. He is not a criminal of any kind. Yet, for some reason, Excelsior has seen fit to treat him as one. We will show you how he has hounded my client. Destroyed his property. Assaulted his clients. Terrorized him and ruined his livelihood.

“That’s right,” Topper says with a close-to-the-ground-swagger, “He’s made it impossible for my client to make a living.”

“Objection! Your honor!,” says McEllroy. “Mr. Windsor works with known criminals, villains of the worst sort.”

Topper smiles. “Your honor, we will so stipulate. It is an agreed fact of this case that my client works with persons who are know to have a criminal record. But many people do. The law sees fit to deprive felons of the right to vote. Would the counsel for the defense also see fit to deny them professional services? Medical Care? Employment? Legal Counsel?

“The defense betrays a bitter prejudice of the worst kind. A prejudice that preys upon the disadvantaged and downtrodden of our society. Perhaps this prejudice is at the heart of Excelsior’s criminal actions against my client.”

Both the Judge and the defense team bristles. Topper moves on. “But that is not our case. That is not our concern.”

Topper walks back across the courtroom. “No, we’re going to show you that on May 15 at 2:45, Excelsior did willfully destroy the office of my client. And not just the office, the entire building, a valuable structure worth many millions of dollars.

“Excelsior claims to have been in pursuit of a dangerous felon. A man known as Lifto the Magnificent. Yes, the man had just committed a bank robbery. But he was on his way out of the building at the time Excelsior was attempting to apprehend him. And as such, there was no reason to pick my client’s place of employ as the site of this violently destructive takedown. He could have simply waited until Mr. Lifto was out on the sidewalk. There was simply no reason to destroy a perfectly good building. There was no reason that innocent people had to die in the process. No reason other than the purest malice.”

“Objection your honor. Counsel is exaggerating.”

“Your honor, if you will examine exhibit 34 you will find a statement from Mr. Windsor’s insurance company, complete with structural engineering assessment and a denial of claim on the basis that the damage was an “Act of Superpersons” and therefore, not covered. Exhibits 35 ‘a’ through ‘m’ are death certificates, including that of Mr. Windsor’s beloved secretary Agnes Plantagenet. This has wrought grave physic harm to my client and has created a very real climate of terror in his mind.”

“Objection overruled,” said the Judge.

“We do not seek to damage this… great man’s reputation. Far from it. First, we seek immediate injunctive relief. It is our hope that this court will see fit to place a restraining order on Mr. Excelsior that will prevent him from harassing my client any further. In addition, we seek compensation for property damage, emotional distress, and the defamation of character that comes from being the object of so mighty a hero’s aggression.”

Topper scans the jury. Some are with him, but a few aren’t buying it. Time for a little extra heat.

“My client has great respect for Excelsior. So do I. I looked up to him as a child and, due to unfortunate genetics, I still do. But for one reason or another, this great man has lost his way. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we must help him find it again. And the instrument of our assistance will be the law. An instrument directed by your good and fair judgement.

“And one more thing, ladies and gentleman of the jury. There is one more thing you should know. My client is willing — and has been willing — to settle out of court at anytime. And is also willing to agree to total secrecy about the whole matter, to protect the dignity of our great hero. The only thing preventing this timely resolution — the only reason this court has been convened and your private lives are being disrupted — is their stubborn refusal to be reasonable.”

R. Lee McEllroy gets up from his chair. He admits to himself that the midget is better than he expected. Perhaps even inspired. Now he will proceed with caution. He pinches the bridge of his nose, takes a deep breath, and begins.

“Reasonable. An interesting word, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. A seductive word. Reasonable. After all, who doesn’t want to be reasonable? Likable. Nice. So as you decide this matter, I’ll ask you to use the standards of a reasonable person. In fact, that is exactly what the law directs you to do in this matter. Use the standards of a reasonable person, to determine, on the Preponderance of Evidence, how responsibility falls in these matters.”

He glares at Topper and Edwin and makes sure the jury sees it happening. “We’re going to show that there is nothing reasonable about the Plaintiff. In fact, the preponderance of evidence will show, that he has a long history, as they have just admitted, of consorting with the worst sort of criminal. Villains, supervillains whatever you want to call them. If you believe as one the earliest members of the supreme court did that, ‘society is a fabric, woven together from the threads of our common action’ then this man, Edwin Windsor, is the man, that most irresponsible of souls who finds the loose threads and yanks on them for his personal profit.”