Patrick McLean - How To Succeed in Evil

When Lifto becomes excited, his complexion turns a deep shade of red that can only be described as purple’s mortal enemy.

Edwin lies, “I am pleased to meet you Mr. Lifto.”

“The Magnificent!” says Lifto.

“My mistake. Mr. The Magnificent.”

As they talk, Edwin discovers that Lifto’s sole power is the ability to lift about 10,000 pounds. Lifto is inordinately proud of his ability. He also likes lifting cars so that pretty woman can have a place to park. It is his disturbed idea of chivalry. Lifto does not tell Edwin that after such feats he swells with pride, turns purple and fails miserably in his attempt to woo the freshly parked women.

Edwin quickly discovers that Lifto is a man with something to prove. He craves attention. This is unfortunate, because Edwin believes Lifto’s real value is his anonymity.

Edwin has a way that Lifto can become a wildly successful. But it requires that he never, ever be famous. For the moment that Lifto became famous he would be an easy target for even the most minor of superheroes. Lifto can make a killing, but it will have to be a quiet killing. How to convince Lifto of this? Because, not only does Lifto want to be famous, he thinks he already is.

Lifto tries to impress Edwin with a scheme of his own devising. His plan is to go on a car-throwing spree during which he will heave cars through the front windows of banks in a three-state area. He follows this rudimentary description of his plan with, “And rob them of course.”

“I’m not sure that –” Edwin starts

“I rip the door off safe, take all money and leave. Maybe throw police car, maybe not. You know, uhh, details. What you think?” Although Edwin doesn’t understand how it is possible, Lifto’s broken, heavily accented English makes his plan sound even dumber than it actually is.

“I don’t think it’s a very good idea.”

“No rob bank? But that where money is!” Lifto protests. He laughs as if he has said one of the most original things in the long-winded history of saying things. Lifto is disappointed when, instead of joining in the hearty guffaw, Edwin searches for a non-existent speck of dirt underneath his perfectly manicured fingernails.

“I just lift up the safe and SMASH it on ground!”

Edwin sighs. This is probably as good a time as any. He says, “The problem is not the safe. Or police cars. Or lifting of any kind.”

“No lifting?” Lifto asks.

“Yes. And you’ll not be robbing any banks either.”

“No banks. But...” Lifto draws a deep breath. He’s getting ready to tell his joke again. To make sure it is funny, this time he is going to tell it very loud. Edwin cuts him off.

“Yes, yes, that’s where they keep the money. But if you rob banks, you lose money.”

“That is no sense making.”

“I’ll try to explain. You see, if there was money in robbing banks, everyone would rob banks.”

“But it’s all profit!”

Edwin presses a panel on the wall and a hidden whiteboard is revealed. He uncaps a marker and asks, “So how much cash do you expect to take in your average bank robbery?”

“$1,000,000?”

“Ah, ambition. Large numbers. I like that line of thought, but unfortunately the average bank robbery grosses only $5,000.”

“5,000?”

“Yes, only $5,000. Hardly worth it.”

“But $5,000 is a lot of money.”

“$5,000 wouldn’t even pay for my suit. But let us assume,” wildly, thinks Edwin, “that you are above average and you are able to gross $10,000 for each bank robbery.”

Edwin writes $10,000 on the board.

“But I’m going to rob many, many bank!”

“Of course, that is your plan. And it is my point. Just stay with the numbers Lifto. So, $10,000 is your benefit from robbing an individual bank. Now, what does it cost for you to rob a bank?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing! Lifto strong like bull. Easy for me to throw cars.”

“Of course it is easy for you to throw cars. But while you are throwing cars and robbing banks you can’t do anything else. It costs you time at the very least. But that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m concerned with what it would cost you if you were caught.” Edwin waits for it. He does not have to wait long.

“NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO THE MAGNIFICENT!”

“No, of course not. How silly of me. But let’s just say it was possible. Not in the real world. But in the numbers. These are just numbers, Lifto. Like make-believe. So stay with me. Stay with the numbers.”

“Okay.”

“Now, hypothetically, how many years do you think —”

“But NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO!”

“The sentence for armed robbery, first offense, is usually 7 years.”

“But I am to rob many banks!”

“Of course you are. So the sentence would be longer. Let’s call it 20 years.”

“That’s better.”

“Now, let’s assume that instead of going to prison for those 20 years, you hold down a job.” Lifto shakes his mane of hair indignantly. Lifto does not work for other men. He is a ruler of men. A mighty, hairy, lion. Edwin can see that he was losing him again. “A normal job. Say construction.”

“Lifto does not do manual labor. I am in show business.”

Edwin considers asking for clarification on this point. Lifting things is clearly manual, but perhaps Lifto only does it for pleasure. Edwin quickly abandons this line of thought. That way lies madness.

“All right then, what kind of hypothetical job would you like to have?” No good, still too close to madness. Edwin is finding it difficult to keep his mind clear.

With an air of great ceremony Lifto rises from his chair and proclaims, “Lifto will be King of Missouri!”

“Missouri is not currently hiring for that position.” Stop. Get out. Stop. Get out.

“Oh,” says Lifto, obviously disappointed. “Then I don’t care. Something with people. Lifto is a people person.”

“Reservations agent with a car rental company?”

“Yes, I think I would like that.”

“So 20 years helping people with their rental cars, 40 hours a week at $10 an hour would be $400,000.”

“$400,000! Without stealing anything?”

“Without stealing anything. So, we’ll say the cost of getting caught would be the $400,000 you would give up in income.

“Now, let’s say that you got away with the money 95% of the time. But there is still a 5% chance that you will end up in jail for 20 years.”

“But NO ONE CAN —”

“Catch the mighty Lifto. Yes of course. But humor me. Stay with the numbers for just a moment longer.”

So 95% times a 10,000 benefit is $9,500. This is incremental benefit to you of robbing a bank. That is, if our hypothetical Lifto were to rob an infinite number of banks.”

“An INFINITE amount of money.”

“Yes. Very good,” and very loud, thinks Edwin. “That would be an infinite amount of money.”

“So I go rob banks now. Thank you.”

“Wait, wait, we haven’t factored in the cost yet.”

“Lifto don’t like costs.”

“Neither do I Lifto.”

“Costs suck.”

“Yes they do. But we know that already. The only question left to us is how much do they actually ‘suck’ as you say. So, there is a 5% chance that you will get caught -- I’m sorry, sorry, the hypothetical Lifto will get caught — times -400,000 dollars is -20,000 dollars. So, over time, each time you rob a bank it costs you $20,000 dollars.

“But there’s an infinite number of banks,” says Lifto with dreams of filthy lucre glittering in his eyes.

“Yes, yes, so we add the costs and the benefits to learn what the true value of robbing a bank is to you and we see that, over time, it costs you -$10,500 each time you rob a bank.”