Sara Larson - Defy

My heart racing, I shifted my body away, to the direct center of my mat, lying flat on my back with my arms folded across my chest, staring up at the top of the tent.

“Alex,” Damian spoke, his voice low.

Hesitantly, I turned my head toward him. Even though I’d moved, his face was still so close to mine that my breath caught in my throat. He stared into my eyes for a moment, looking troubled. He glanced past me to where Rylan lay with his back turned to us, then his gaze returned to me. Finally, Damian said, “Thank you for saving my life today.”

I swallowed once, trying not to get lost in the depths of his blue eyes. “You saved me, as well.”

Damian’s gaze didn’t waver from mine. “Yes. I did.”

I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and my whole body hummed with a strange kind of energy. Of … of … something . I didn’t know what. But I was also very aware of Rylan lying behind me, listening to every word. I felt like a bowstring pulled so taut, I might break with any more pressure. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew how to fight?” I couldn’t keep the hurt from my voice.

Damian hesitantly lifted his hand; his fingers trailed across my jaw. “It was necessary to keep it a secret. I wasn’t planning on revealing myself, but when I saw that soldier rushing toward you …” His thumb brushed my parted lips and his gaze dropped to my mouth.

I couldn’t breathe. I wanted him to keep touching me; I wanted to feel his whole body against mine again. But Rylan was here. Rylan was listening. Rylan, who had cared for me all along.

“Thank you,” I said, my voice unsteady, and somehow I made myself move and turn away from his touch to stare at the tent again, my heart hammering. Rylan’s back was still turned to me, but I could see how stiff he was, as if every muscle in his body was clenched.

“I hope you are able to rest well, Alex,” Damian said.

“You, too,” I said, making myself close my eyes, to pretend I was going to sleep. But inside, I thought, Rest well? Is he serious?

It was going to be a long night.

I was shocked when the sound of a bird somewhere close by woke me up, just before dawn. Somehow, I’d managed to drift off after hours of hardly daring to breathe, let alone move. I’d ended up on my side, facing Rylan. He’d also rolled over in his sleep, and his arm rested against mine. His mouth was slightly parted in sleep, his face relaxed. His jaw was obscured by the ever-thickening stubble on his face.

I could feel Damian on the other side of me as well. I turned to look and saw that he was on his stomach, his arm and leg only inches from me, his head turned toward me. He, too, had over a week’s worth of stubble. His face was completely relaxed; the tightness that nearly always lingered around the corners of his mouth and eyes was gone. He looked much younger when he was asleep. Watching him made my heart pick up speed. I found myself blushing when, just for a moment, I imagined what it would feel like to have his lips touch mine. Before I remembered what Rylan had said to me the night before.

Why was I even letting myself think about touching — or kissing — the prince? I could never be his queen. It was foolish and stupid to even let myself dream of kissing him. It wasn’t like I could suddenly throw on a dress and hope he would court me. My life depended on continuing to maintain the pretense of being a boy, if we ever made it back to the palace.

But maybe you won’t , another voice inside me responded. Maybe you won’t ever make it back, and this will be your only chance to feel like a girl. To kiss a boy. And not just any boy. To kiss a prince.

And then I wanted to smack myself. Tanoori was right. I was a harlot.

Moving as slowly as possible, trying to be completely silent, I inched my way over to the flaps. I had to get out of the tent before either of them woke up.

When I finally made it out into the muggy morning air and the gray light of yet another dawn in the jungle, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. I headed for Lisbet’s tent, nodding at the few men who were already up, preparing our meager breakfast before we broke camp and moved out. I noticed Eljin standing by a larger tent, in deep discussion with two other men, and I picked up my pace, not wanting to have another encounter with him.

Jax was already digging in the dirt outside his mother’s tent with a stick as I approached, but when he saw me, he jumped up and ran to give me a hug.

I awkwardly hugged him back, surprised by the gesture.

“I’m glad you didn’t die yesterday,” he said, as he pulled away and looked up at me. He had beautiful blue eyes, nothing like Lisbet’s. I wondered where his father was — who his father was. I wondered why Lisbet was with us at all. So many unanswered questions. It made my head hurt.

“I wasn’t going to die. Who told you that?”

“No one. I was watching from the trees where Mama told me to hide.” He scuffed his foot against the dirt. “I saw Damian save you. Mama said he exposed his secret because he cared too much about you to let you die. She said love can either make a person stronger or weaker, and she hasn’t decided if he’s getting stronger or weaker yet.”

I stared down at Jax with my heart in my throat. There was something familiar about the way he looked at me in that moment, in the way his eyes pierced mine even though he was only a child.

“I … I … ah …”

“Jax.” Lisbet parted the opening to the tent, saving me from having to answer. “Run along and find us some breakfast before we have to pack up to go again.”

“Yes, Mama.” He lifted his eyebrows at me, then turned on his heel and dashed off.

Lisbet’s arms were folded across her chest as she gazed at me, her dark eyes guarded in the growing light as the sun slowly woke up behind us.

“You knew about Prince Damian’s secret?” I finally asked. “You knew he could fight?”

She didn’t respond.

“How? How do you know him? Why are you here with us and what do they want with him?”

Her eyes narrowed. I felt like she was trying to search me with the intensity of her gaze. “Did you come to see how Tanoori is?” she responded at last, parting the tent flaps again.

Frustrated, I followed her in to see Tanoori lying on the ground, still pale, with a sheen of sweat on her face and chest.

“Why does she still look so … sick?”

Lisbet knelt down and wiped a damp cloth across Tanoori’s forehead. “Healing is a very difficult and draining type of sorcery. I used up much of my strength healing you and Rylan, and I’m weary from this journey. And as I said, the bloodroot still isn’t completely out of my system. I’m doing all that I can for her, but I don’t know if it will be enough.”

“Isn’t bloodroot used to treat wounds? Why would it have anything to do with your ability to heal her?”

Lisbet shook her head sadly. “The people of Antion are regretfully ignorant of many things.”

I glared at her in consternation, about to demand she give me a real answer when she continued, “Yes, it can be used to help staunch the flow of blood in a wound. But when bloodroot is ingested by a sorcerer, it suppresses their magical abilities. I took it for quite some time to protect myself while in Antion.”

“So you are a sorceress. I knew it.” Was the bloodroot Damian had me gather meant for her? They certainly seemed to know each other — and yet, I wondered how.

Lisbet gave me a sharp look. “There are all sorts of magic in this world. You would do well to learn that.”

“I don’t agree with the king,” I said quickly. “I don’t think all sorcery is evil.” Most of it, yes. But not all. How could it be, when the only reason I was still alive was because of a sorceress just like Lisbet?