L. Modesitt - Mage-Guard of Hamor

"I am sorry I led Jienela on. Even though it was as much her doing as mine, it wasn't fair to her." And after what Deybri had said, and what he had sensed, he was even more regretful than he had been before. "I can't say I'm sorry about defending myself against her brothers or hurting them. I was trying to explain that we'd already arranged to talk to her parents. They didn't listen."

"Rahl… Bhulyr was never sorry. He wasn't capable of regret. He couldn't understand someone else's pain." Deybri put both her hands around Rahl's. "I could see what you felt just from my words. I didn't know why until you told me. So long as you feel like that, you'll never be like one of them. "

"I… how can…" Rahl wasn't sure what to say. He had been one of them. He hadn't meant to be, but…

"Rahl… do you remember what I said to you when we first met.. about your being almost a pretty boy?"

He could hear the quiver in her voice as well as feel the uncertainty and the anguish, and it tore at him. He nodded slowly, unwilling to trust his voice.

"I was so… surprised… taken aback… by what I felt in seeing you… that… I said what I felt. After Bhulyr, I'd been so cautious. I never thought I'd ever again see anyone who attracted me, and then to see you… and realize how much younger you were, I wasn't thinking, and I couldn't believe what I'd said." Her eyes dropped for a moment. "I just tried to pass it off. You knew better, and that frightened me. I'm supposed to be a grown healer, but, maybe, someplace deep inside, we're all still barely grown girls and boys."

"Maybe we are." He managed a smile. "Maybe we could still grow up together."

Her laugh was shaky, but it was a laugh, and he lifted his other hand to take both of hers in his.

Oneday morning was far more like a spring day than winter, although winter had several eightdays yet to run, with a warm and gentle breeze flowing through the open windows of the administrator's study. Taryl did look more rested, finally, and the deep circles under his eyes had disappeared, but he was more angular than he once had been-and Taryl had never carried any fat.

"… and the patrollers will just have to put some of the troublemakers and cutpurses in one of the station gaols until one of the mage-guards can question them," Rahl concluded his summary of the mage-guard/patroller situation in Nubyat.

"Once the younger mage-guards get more experience, Chewyrt can change that."

Rahl nodded. "What can you tell me about Prince Golyat and the rebels?"

"As for the situation with regard to the rebels…" Taryl coughed, then continued, "Shuchyl should be in control of Elmari by now, but we haven't gotten any dispatches yet, either from the fleet offshore or from Shuchyl himself."

"If he has, when will we move on Sastak?" asked Rahl.

"Shortly," replied Taryl. "I expect we'll be able to begin mobilizing within a few days."

Taryl was waiting for something. That was clear. But what? And why? "I've certainly appreciated the time here, but I almost feel guilty, ser, just waiting."

"Every tactics manual cautions against both unnecessary delay and impatience, but none of them define either one except in generalities, Rahl. That's because the terms can only be defined in context of the particular situation. Right now, both supplies and tempers are getting short in Sastak."

"We're blockading the port, but we're not cutting off their access to the surrounding land."

"You're right, and the land is fertile," Taryl pointed out. "It's one of the breadbaskets of Merowey and Hamor."

Rahl frowned.

"All their surplus grain and tubers were shipped out for hard coin after last fall's harvest. It is every year. There's not enough left for both the port and the troopers and their mounts."

Rahl wasn't certain that was the only reason for delay, but Taryl wasn't about to say more. "What will you be having me do?"

"Third Company will be utilized as it was in the attack on Nubyat."

"Standing by until needed, or until I figure out what to do, later than I should?"

"Something like that," Taryl said amiably. "Your abilities and the support Third Company provides are still largely unrecognized."

"After the wall?"

"Anyone on the rebel side who understood what you did is dead. Those on our side who know you did it won't be able to explain how it could have been your doing in any fashion that is believable to those who were not there. Thus, the credit, if one can call it that, will go to me or be attributed to someone of greater experience who is currently elsewhere, but who will be rumored to have been here." Taryl laughed, a sound that combined humor with a sardonic cynicism without being cold. "Feats of great and stupid strength are always attributed to the young, and those of skill and devastation to the old because that is what all, except the young, wish to believe." He stood, signifying that it was time for Rahl to head out on his daily duties.

Rahl rose quickly. "I'll see you tomorrow, ser, unless there's something urgent."

"Let's hope there isn't."

After offering a smile, Rahl left the study. He had only taken three or four long strides away from the study door and from Falyka and her ledgers and neat stacks of papers when he saw Deybri coming down the long corridor. He smiled and kept walking toward her. "Good morning." He stopped short, just looking into her golden brown eyes.

"Good morning, Rahl." An amused smile played around her lips, but beneath it was both warmth, and preoccupation.

"You have some problems? Besides me, that is?"

"Some of the troopers are getting something like a chaos-flux. It's not too bad, but when it gets warmer… more of them will start getting it. They really should be in real barracks."

"They'll probably be moving out before too long. That might help."

"It might."

"You could help my chaos, too," Rahl bantered, offering a grin he hoped was disarming. "You could accept my offer to consort you."

"Did you actually propose?" Her smile was amused, but he could sense the worry behind it.

"Several times, as I recall, if not exactly in those words." He paused. "You're worried about my proposal?"

She sighed. "A woman can't keep many secrets from you."

"I can sense how you feel, but not necessarily why," he pointed out.

"You know how I feel. I can't hide that from you. Much as I want you, I still worry that your loins are playing a larger part than your head or heart." She leaned forward and kissed his lips, gently. "It's all very strange. In some ways, we've known each other our entire lives, even from before the first time we met. In others, we don't know each other at all…"

"If that's so… why did you come here?"

"Rahl… isn't it better to look for your heart's desire than to turn your back on it? I think and feel that you are, that our spirits could become one, but I want to know it, and I want you to know that as well."

"That's why I wrote you… and gave you the letters I never had a chance to post… the letters I wrote hoping I could send…"

"I've read them, and they help… They help a great deal." Her eyes were bright again.

He took her hands. "I'm sorry. You are my heart's desire-and far more than that." He swallowed. "I won't press you again, not because I don't want you for my consort, but because you know what I want, and I'll wait for your decision."

"Rahl… don't… don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"You know what."

He offered a contrite smile. "I'm sorry."

"How do I know? You're so self-contained."

Rahl just looked at Deybri, then dropped all his shields, letting her sense everything-the longing, the love, the fear that she would reject him-even the desire.

"Rahl… please." Her face had gone white.