L. Modesitt - Mage-Guard of Hamor

"That I had to decide who went where in a hurry, but now that I've had a chance to get a better look at matters and schedules, I think he'll be more valuable here at the harbor station."

"That's a good approach…" From there Rahl went over the ledgers with Chewyrt, both the supply ledger and the payroll ledger, and it was close to dinner by the time he finished and rode back to the small stable beyond the overcommander's villa.

When Rahl finally dismounted and led the gelding inside for grooming, he was thinking about how he was looking forward to having dinner with Deybri. Over the past few days, he'd managed to spend as much time as he could with her, but that depended on her free time-which was at dinner and little enough-given that she was often exhausted from dealing with the scores of injured who might not recover at all from their wounds without a healer.

Drakeyt was already grooming his mount outside the third stall, and he turned to Rahl. "Majer, I finally saw your healer." The captain shook his head and laughed. "Now I can see why you wrote so many letters to her…"

"Was it that obvious?" Rahl was a little chagrined.

"Perhaps not that obvious, but I noticed. That's because I don't have anyone worth writing, and even if I could, I doubt that I'd be able to put it on paper well enough for anyone to want to read."

"I'm sure you could."

"Not like you."

Rahl only laughed, then turned his attention to the gelding. He forced himself not to shortchange the grooming, but after he finished, he hurried to wash up and get to the staff dining chamber so that Deybri wouldn't feel that he'd forgotten her.

When he hurried into the dining chamber, she was sitting alone at a corner table in the chamber that held ten tables, although there were only ten or eleven others in the room. She set down the beaker of golden ale she had been sipping, and a slow smile crossed her face as he neared. "You don't have to hurry. I would have waited."

Like Taryl, she had deep circles under her eyes, but Rahl only smiled in return. "When I can help it, I never want to keep you waiting."

"You're kind."

"No, you're the one who's kind. You're probably starving." He slipped into the chair across the battered wooden tabletop from her, belatedly noticing the beaker of lager awaiting him. "Thank you."

Almost immediately, the assistant to the cook set two platters on the table, along with a basket of bread. Each platter held four biastras-the Hamorian pepper-beef tubes that were floured and fried. "These are lamb, Healer… ser."

Rahl had the definite impression that she still did not know how to address him, but he wasn't certain what title fit him. "Majer or ser will do," he said after a moment, making sure his words were warm and kind.

"Yes, ser."

Rahl could sense her relief. He could also sense more than a few pairs of eyes directed at the two of them.

"We're confusing them," Deybri murmured. "We should either be eating here all the time, or with the administrator all the time."

"We wouldn't eat half the time," Rahl replied in a low voice. "He takes most of his meals in his study-or with the commanders at their mess."

"He drives himself so hard, and he expects much," murmured Deybri. "Those around him either wish to leave or to be as good as he is."

"That can be rather difficult," Rahl replied dryly.

"Would you have it any other way?"

Rahl flushed, but did not reply. Neither spoke more for several moments as they ate, hungry as they both were. Not until Rahl had finished the second biastra did he ask, "What did you do today? More healing?"

She nodded. "I can only offer healing to so many each day. There are some who died before I could get to them. There have been every day."

"I'm sorry. That sounds like a long day. You must be tired."

"I am tired," she admitted. "There are still so many wounded. So many." She straightened. "One of them knew about you. Not by name. He kept talking about a battle near someplace called Thalye, and about an officer with a long black truncheon who broke an entire battalion and killed scores single-handedly."

Rahl winced. "That… there was at least a battalion coming down the road through the swamp, and if they'd gotten through, they could have turned our flank. Third Company had to stop them. I just did what I could." Her question brought back images of the swamp, the ooze-traps he'd created, and the scores who had died, either at his hand or through his magery. He managed not to shudder.

"Rahl…"

He could sense the warmth behind that single syllable, but he still had to explain, even if the explanation wasn't enough. "It's just… I feel like you're trying to undo the damage that what I've been doing has caused. I know it's not true. I mean… I didn't cause the rebellion, and I'm not the one who wounded or killed our troopers, yet…" He shrugged, almost in frustration. "I'm supposed to be keeping and restoring order, and it seems as though what I'm best at is using it for killing and destruction."

"What were you doing today?"

"I briefed Taryl, then rode out to the water-master to complete getting the sewer repairs started, made sure that the portmaster started on dredging out that sandbar near the end of pier two, checked on the mage-guards, talked to several crafters and shopkeepers, looked over what the new undercaptain was doing…"

"All that builds order." She reached out and laid her hand on his.

The warmth of her touch gave him the courage to ask something that he had pondered more than once. "You've been most cautious with me, and I'm trying to understand and be patient, but at times… I feel as though…" How could he express what he felt? He swallowed and forced himself to go on. "I sometimes feel that it's not even between you and me, that there's something else, almost… someone else.. "

Deybri nodded slowly, her eyes meeting his. "There was. Not anymore, not for years. The reason I went to Atla, one reason, was for Bhulyr. He was exiled, except he wasn't a mage. He wasn't much of anything, now that I look back. He was a junior trader, and he was assigned to the Merchant Association in Atla, and I thought I was in love with him. I begged, and I pleaded, and Uncle Thorl finally worked out something, and when I got there, Bhulyr had already taken up with the daughter of a local factor-and I had to stay for almost five eightdays. It was half a season that lasted a year."

"You'd only told me that you were a healer for a trading company," Rahl said evenly.

"I was. I needed more healing than anyone there. I was so in love with him. I would have done anything for him." Her voice turned thoughtful, with just a touch of bitterness. "Young women in love, girls, can be so stupid."

Rahl just listened. Had he taken advantage of Jienela in the same way? He tightened his lips. He had. He'd never thought of it in the way Deybri had put it.

"Rahl? You look so distant. What is it?"

"I was thinking. You must have heard how I ended up in Nylan, didn't you?"

"Not really. Leyla said that you'd gotten in trouble with a magister and used order in ways you shouldn't have."

"I did." Rahl didn't want to say more, but he had to be honest, especially after what Deybri had told him. "I also got a girl with child. I didn't mean to, but it was… I didn't want to consort her, but I agreed that I would if she and her parents insisted. It never came to that. Her brothers attacked me-they were much older, and then, I didn't even know I was an ordermage. Magister Puvort actually used some sort of order to lower their self-control. Taryl thinks he did that because he didn't want to deal with a natural ordermage." Rahl forced himself to look squarely at Deybri. "In some ways, maybe I'm not any better than Bhulyr."

"Do you regret what you did? Honestly?"