Сьюзен Коллинз - Mockingjay

There’s something like a collective sigh of regret from the semicircle of people spread out before me. Because I know this now. Because there will never be a way for me to not know this again. Because, beyond the military disadvantage losing a Mockingjay entails, I am broken.

Several sets of arms would embrace me. But in the end, the only person I truly want to comfort me is Haymitch, because he loves Peeta, too. I reach out for him and say something like his name and he’s there, holding me and patting my back. «It’s okay. It’ll be okay, sweetheart.» He sits me on a length of broken marble pillar and keeps an arm around me while I sob.

«I can’t do this anymore,» I say.

«I know,» he says.

«All I can think of is—what he’s going to do to Peeta—because I’m the Mockingjay!» I get out.

«I know.» Haymitch’s arm tightens around me.

«Did you see? How weird he acted? What are they—doing to him?» I’m gasping for air between sobs, but I manage one last phrase. «It’s my fault!» And then I cross some line into hysteria and there’s a needle in my arm and the world slips away.

It must be strong, whatever they shot into me, because it’s a full day before I come to. My sleep wasn’t peaceful, though. I have the sense of emerging from a world of dark, haunted places where I traveled alone. Haymitch sits in the chair by my bed, his skin waxen, his eyes bloodshot. I remember about Peeta and start to tremble again.

Haymitch reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. «It’s all right. We’re going to try to get Peeta out.»

«What?» That makes no sense.

«Plutarch’s sending in a rescue team. He has people on the inside. He thinks we can get Peeta back alive,» he says.

«Why didn’t we before?» I say.

«Because it’s costly. But everyone agrees this is the thing to do. It’s the same choice we made in the arena. To do whatever it takes to keep you going. We can’t lose the Mockingjay now. And you can’t perform unless you know Snow can’t take it out on Peeta.» Haymitch offers me a cup. «Here, drink something.»

I slowly sit up and take a sip of water. «What do you mean, costly?»

He shrugs. «Covers will be blown. People may die. But keep in mind that they’re dying every day. And it’s not just Peeta; we’re getting Annie out for Finnick, too.»

«Where is he?» I ask.

«Behind that screen, sleeping his sedative off. He lost it right after we knocked you out,» says Haymitch. I smile a little, feel a bit less weak. «Yeah, it was a really excellent shoot. You two cracked up and Boggs left to arrange the mission to get Peeta. We’re officially in reruns.»

«Well, if Boggs is leading it, that’s a plus,» I say.

«Oh, he’s on top of it. It was volunteer only, but he pretended not to notice me waving my hand in the air,» says Haymitch. «See? He’s already demonstrated good judgment.»

Something’s wrong. Haymitch’s trying a little too hard to cheer me up. It’s not really his style. «So who else volunteered?»

«I think there were seven altogether,» he says evasively.

I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. «Who else, Haymitch?» I insist.

Haymitch finally drops the good-natured act. «You know who else, Katniss. You know who stepped up first.»

Of course I do.

Gale.

Today I might lose both of them.

I try to imagine a world where both Gale’s and Peeta’s voices have ceased. Hands stilled. Eyes unblinking. I’m standing over their bodies, having a last look, leaving the room where they lie. But when I open the door to step out into the world, there’s only a tremendous void. A pale gray nothingness that is all my future holds.

«Do you want me to have them sedate you until it’s over?» asks Haymitch. He’s not joking. This is a man who spent his adult life at the bottom of a bottle, trying to anesthetize himself against the Capitol’s crimes. The sixteen-year-old boy who won the second Quarter Quell must have had people he loved—family, friends, a sweetheart maybe—that he fought to get back to. Where are they now? How is it that until Peeta and I were thrust upon him, there was no one at all in his life? What did Snow do to them?

«No,» I say. «I want to go to the Capitol. I want to be part of the rescue mission.»

«They’re gone,» says Haymitch.

«How long ago did they leave? I could catch up. I could—» What? What could I do?

Haymitch shakes his head. «It’ll never happen. You’re too valuable and too vulnerable. There was talk of sending you to another district to divert the Capitol’s attention while the rescue takes place. But no one felt you could handle it.»

«Please, Haymitch!» I’m begging now. «I have to do something. I can’t just sit here waiting to hear if they died. There must be something I can do!»

«All right. Let me talk to Plutarch. You stay put.» But I can’t. Haymitch’s footsteps are still echoing in the outer hall when I fumble my way through the slit in the dividing curtain to find Finnick sprawled out on his stomach, his hands twisted in his pillowcase. Although it’s cowardly—cruel even—to rouse him from the shadowy, muted drug land to stark reality, I go ahead and do it because I can’t stand to face this by myself.

As I explain our situation, his initial agitation mysteriously ebbs. «Don’t you see, Katniss, this will decide things. One way or the other. By the end of the day, they’ll either be dead or with us. It’s…it’s more than we could hope for!»

Well, that’s a sunny view of our situation. And yet there’s something calming about the idea that this torment could come to an end.

The curtain yanks back and there’s Haymitch. He has a job for us, if we can pull it together. They still need post-bombing footage of 13. «If we can get it in the next few hours, Beetee can air it leading up to the rescue, and maybe keep the Capitol’s attention elsewhere.»

«Yes, a distraction,» says Finnick. «A decoy of sorts.»

«What we really need is something so riveting that even President Snow won’t be able to tear himself away. Got anything like that?» asks Haymitch.

Having a job that might help the mission snaps me into focus. While I knock down breakfast and get prepped, I try to think of what I might say. President Snow must be wondering how that blood-splattered floor and his roses are affecting me. If he wants me broken, then I will have to be whole. But I don’t think I will convince him of anything by shouting a couple of defiant lines at the camera. Besides, that won’t buy the rescue team any time. Outbursts are short. It’s stories that take time.

I don’t know if it will work, but when the television crew’s all assembled aboveground, I ask Cressida if she could start out by asking me about Peeta. I take a seat on the fallen marble pillar where I had my breakdown, wait for the red light and Cressida’s question.

«How did you meet Peeta?» she asks.

And then I do the thing that Haymitch has wanted since my first interview. I open up. «When I met Peeta, I was eleven years old, and I was almost dead.» I talk about that awful day when I tried to sell the baby clothes in the rain, how Peeta’s mother chased me from the bakery door, and how he took a beating to bring me the loaves of bread that saved our lives. «We had never even spoken. The first time I ever talked to Peeta was on the train to the Games.»

«But he was already in love with you,» says Cressida.

«I guess so.» I allow myself a small smile.

«How are you doing with the separation?» she asks.

«Not well. I know at any moment Snow could kill him. Especially since he warned Thirteen about the bombing. It’s a terrible thing to live with,» I say. «But because of what they’re putting him through, I don’t have any reservations anymore. About doing whatever it takes to destroy the Capitol. I’m finally free.» I turn my gaze skyward and watch the flight of a hawk across the sky. «President Snow once admitted to me that the Capitol was fragile. At the time, I didn’t know what he meant. It was hard to see clearly because I was so afraid. Now I’m not. The Capitol’s fragile because it depends on the districts for everything. Food, energy, even the Peacekeepers that police us. If we declare our freedom, the Capitol collapses. President Snow, thanks to you, I’m officially declaring mine today.»