Stanisław Lem - Solaris

“Kris… Kris… surely he’s… you yourself said he died…”

“He might be alive in a dream,” I said slowly. I was no longer at all certain it had been a dream. “He was saying something. He was here,” I added. I was fearfully sleepy. If I’m sleepy, I must be asleep, I thought to myself idiotically. I brushed Harey’s cold arm with my lips and arranged myself more comfortably. She said something in reply, but I was already plunged in oblivion.

In the morning, in the red sunlight of the room, I recalled the events of the night. The conversation with Gibarian had been a dream, but the things that had happened next? I’d heard his voice, I could have sworn it; I just didn’t quite remember what he’d been saying. It hadn’t sounded like a conversation, more like a lecture. A lecture…?

Harey was getting washed. I heard the splash of water in the bathroom. I looked under the bed, where I’d shoved the tape recorder a few days before. It wasn’t there.

“Harey!” I called. Her face, dripping water, appeared from behind the locker.

“You didn’t see a tape recorder under the bed by any chance, did you? A little pocket-sized one?”

“There were various things under there. I put them all over on that shelf.” She pointed to near the medicine cabinet and vanished back into the bathroom. I jumped out of bed, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

“You must have seen it,” I said when she came back into the main room. She combed her hair in front of the mirror and didn’t reply. It was only now I noticed she was pale, and that when her eyes met mine in the mirror there was a searching look in them.

“Harey,” I began again insistently, “the tape recorder isn’t on the shelf.”

“You don’t have anything more important to tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “You’re right, it’s not that big of a deal.”

That was all we needed — to start an argument!

After that we went to get breakfast. Harey was doing everything differently than usual that day, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly had changed. She was looking closely at everything around her; a couple of times she didn’t hear what I was saying to her, as if she’d suddenly gotten lost in thought. One time, when she raised her head I saw her eyes were glistening.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, lowering my voice to a whisper. “Are you crying?”

“Let it be. They’re not real tears,” she stammered. Perhaps I shouldn’t have left it at that, but there was nothing I was so afraid of as “heart-to-hearts.” Besides, I had other things on my mind. Though I knew Snaut and Sartorius’s scheming had only been a dream, I’d begun to wonder if there was some kind of handy weapon on the Station. I’d no idea what I would do with it; I just wanted to have it. I told Harey I needed to swing by the hold and the depositories. She followed me in silence. I searched among the crates and rifled through the capsules; then, when I went all the way down to the lowest floor, I couldn’t resist the temptation to look in on the cold room. I didn’t want Harey to go in there though, so I just half-opened the door and checked the whole place over with my eyes. The dark shroud bulged over the elongated figure beneath, but from where I was standing I couldn’t tell if the black woman was still lying where she had been. It seemed to me that her place was empty.

I didn’t find anything I could use, and I was in an ever-worsening mood as I wandered about, till all at once I realized I couldn’t see Harey. She appeared right after that — she’d stayed back in the corridor — yet the very fact she’d tried to distance herself from me, something that was so hard for her even for a moment, should have made me think. But I was still acting offended at no one in particular, or just generally behaving like a jerk. I’d gotten a headache, I couldn’t find any aspirin and, mad as hell, I tipped out the entire contents of the first aid kit. I couldn’t be bothered to go back to the surgery; I’d rarely been such a mess as I was that day. Harey was moving about the cabin like a shadow; from time to time she’d disappear. In the afternoon, after we’d eaten lunch (though in fact she rarely ate at all, while I’d lost my appetite from the headache and didn’t even press her to have something). All of a sudden she sat down next to me and began picking at the sleeve of my shirt.

“How’s it going?” I murmured absently. I had an urge to go upstairs, because I had the impression the pipes were carrying a faint echo of knocking sounds, meaning that Sartorius was tinkering with the high-tension apparatus. But I lost interest when it occurred to me that I’d have to go with Harey, whose presence might have been semi-understandable in the library, but there, among the machinery, might have led Snaut to make some inopportune remark.

“Kris,” she whispered, “how are things between us…?”

I gave a sigh despite myself. I can’t say it was a happy day for me.

“Couldn’t be better. Why do you ask?”

“I wanted to have a talk with you.”

“Fire away.”

“Not that kind of talk.”

“Then what kind? Like I said, I’ve got a headache, I’ve all kind of things on my mind…”

“A little good will, Kris.”

I forced myself to smile. It couldn’t have been impressive.

“What is it, darling? I’m listening.”

“Will you tell me the truth?”

I raised my eyebrows. I didn’t like this as an opener.

“Why would I lie?”

“You might have your reasons. Serious ones. But if you want there to be… you know… then don’t lie to me.”

I said nothing.

“I’ll tell you something and you’ll tell me something. OK? It’ll be the truth. Regardless of anything else.”

I wasn’t looking her in the eye. She sought my gaze, but I pretended not to notice.

“I already told you that I don’t know how I got here. But maybe you know. Wait, I haven’t finished. Maybe you don’t know. But if you know and it’s just that you’re not able to tell me now, then will you later, one day? That won’t be the worst thing. In any case you’ll give me a chance.”

I had the sensation of an icy current running through my entire body.

“What are you saying, kid? What chance…?” I mumbled.

“Kris, whoever I am, I’m for sure no kid. You promised. Tell me.”

That “whoever I am” gave me such a lump in my throat that all I could do was stare at her, shaking my head like an idiot, as if I were trying to prevent myself from hearing everything.

“I already said you don’t have to tell me. It’s enough for you to say you can’t.”

“I’m not hiding anything…,” I answered hoarsely.

“Very good then,” she replied, standing up. I wanted to say something. I sensed I shouldn’t leave her like that, but all the words stuck in my throat.

“Harey…”

She was by the window, her back to me. The empty dark blue ocean lay beneath a bare sky.

“Harey, if you think that… Harey, you know I love you…”

“You love me ?”

I went up to her. I tried to put my arms around her. She freed herself, pushing my hand aside.

“You’re so good,” she said. “You love me? I’d rather you beat me!”

“Harey, darling!”

“No. No. Best just don’t say a thing.”

She went up to the table and began clearing away the plates. I stared into the dark blue emptiness. The sun was starting to set, and the great shadow of the Station moved evenly on the waves. A plate slipped out of Harey’s hands and fell on the floor. Water sounded in the sinks. At the edges of the horizon the ruddy color turned to a dirty reddish gold. If only I knew what to do. Oh, if only I knew. All at once things went quiet. Harey came and stood right by me.